There are so many books on parenting. What makes yours different?Unlike the majority of how-to parenting books, BECOMING THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE empowers all parents to define their own parenting style. Respecting each family's unique values, culture, and life circumstances, we ask parents to think about what's most important to them and what they want to teach their children. Providing basic information about how children learn, we invite parents to choose the strategies they want to try. We also deal with the realities of contemporary families -- from traditional and non-traditional family structures to the changing roles of men and women.
You call your book, "BECOMING THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE" What does that mean exactly?When children join our families many of us are surprised to find that we don't instantly turn into the parents of our dreams. As parents, we are growing and learning all the time, just like our children. Our book provides parents with tools to help them grow: ways to learn from mistakes, keep optimism alive, balance needs in a family, learn about children, and build supportive communities in which families can thrive.
What's the most important thing you have to tell parents today?Being a parent today is a complex, stressful and challenging task. Parents work hard and bring lots of their own resources to their parenting, but they also need support. Currently there is not enough help for families in our society. Parents need practical information as well as encouragement. Parents need help thinking about ways to better deal with the stresses of contemporary life. It's also critical for parents to work together to build communities that really support families.
What is your philosophy of discipline?We define discipline as teaching -- a way to model the values by which a family lives. To discipline effectively, parents must focus not only on stopping a particular behavior, but on the kind of person they want their children to be in the long run. If parents want their children to be respectful and responsible, they need to treat them that way when they discipline them. Parents teach respect by responding to what a child is trying to learn, by respecting the motive behind the misbehavior. Parents teach responsibility by choosing a discipline strategy that establishes clear limits, while acknowledging a child's need to question and explore.
What about spanking?Although spanking can sometimes stop a certain behavior, we don't believe it's an effective form of teaching. It makes children scared instead of confident. It teaches them to be afraid rather than trust. It teaches them to act out of fear rather than good judgment. Ultimately it teaches children the life lesson that it is okay to hit and okay to be hit.
So many parents today are feeling stressed and caught between responsibilities: work, career, relationships, elderly parents, children. What's the best way to balance needs in a family?As parents today, we are juggling many more responsibilities in a much faster world than our parents did before us. And many of us feel inadequate to the task. Before we judge ourselves too harshly, we need to look realistically at how many full-time jobs we are asking ourselves to do.
As much as we try for perfect balance, most of us never achieve it. Most of us have to make peace with our imperfections. As one mother put it, "One week I'm a great parent, a terrible housekeeper, a mediocre worker. The next week I'm an okay parent, a good housekeeper and a great worker. It balances out in the long run, not at the end of every day. I feel a lot more peaceful since I realized I didn't have to do it all."
Whose needs should come first in the family -- the parents' or the children's?Parents often say to us, "We feel like our three-year-old is the dictator of the family. We call her Queen Jessie." As parents, many of us have tried to give our children more choices, more say in what happens to them. Yet sometimes in the attempt to give children more power, the scale gets tipped too far in the other direction. Children can be taught that their needs and wants are important, but that they also have to be in balance with the needs of the other people in the family.
What's the best way to deal with a screaming child?For most parents this can be one of the most stressful, disturbing and embarrassing things to deal with. As one exasperated father once told us, "Tiffany seems to pick the times I'm the most hurried and exhausted to yell her lungs out, and we're usually in some public place!"
When confronted with a screaming child, there are several things that are important to do: to listen to the child's feelings, to set limits about unacceptable behavior, to give the child social information -- about how her screaming affects others, and to provide her with other outlets for her feelings.
As parents, it can also be useful to think about what brought on the screaming: "Was I trying to do too many errands?" "Did my daughter miss her nap today?" "Was she hungry and in need of a snack?" Sometimes examining what brought on the screaming can help prevent similar incidents in the future.
When my two kids are fighting and hitting each other, what should I do?The bad news is that they are disturbing the whole household and that they might be hurting each other. The good news is that they are trying to figure out ways to communicate and work out their conflicts. As parents, our job is to help our kids develop the tools to listen to each other, to come up with mutually agreeable solutions. In doing so, we teach our kids how to go through the steps of problem-solving. It is essential that we do this in a way which supports both children and doesn't leave us taking sides.
Isn't a certain amount of sibling rivalry inevitable?Most sibling relationships have some conflict. People usually choose their closest relationships to work out their hardest issues, often learning things they can use in other relationships. While we need to stop our children from hurting each other, we can also try to help them practice ways to communicate and resolve conflicts. Such lessons will serve them through a lifetime of relationships.
What do you recommend for parents of children who just aren't sleeping at night? What can parents do when they're exhausted and at their wit's end?Sleep disruption is one of the biggest challenges the parents of young children face. The parent of one young toddler got to the core of this dilemma when she lamented, "If I could just get one good night's sleep, I know I could figure out the solution to Jason's sleep problems."
It's hard to think clearly when we're exhausted, especially in the middle of the night. It's useful to think about possible solutions during the day and to develop a plan to use at night before you're woken up for the fourth time in a row by a screaming child.
The most important thing we tell parents is that there is no one right answer to sleep problems. There is only the answer that works best in your family at any given point in time.
However, it usually takes some experimentation to figure out the best plan for your family -- and often a number of failed attempts before you come up with the necessary clarity to make your plan work. In our experience, it's when parents finally get really clear -- and unified -- about the change they want to make, that their children actually shift into a new sleeping pattern.
It seems like so many of today's kids are spoiled and materialistic. What can parents do to help children care more about other people?It's true that we live in an increasingly consumerist society and that children are the newest consumer target group. Children and their families are bombarded at every turn with things they absolutely have to buy. Parents who are required to spend long hours away from their children sometimes are vulnerable to this pressure to buy things for their children to make up for lost time together. In fact, what parents and children really want the most is time to connect with each other. Figuring out meaningful ways to be together and consciously teaching kids to resist consumer pressure can help families stay focused on meeting their real needs for connection and closeness.
Do you think it's better for mothers to stay-at-home or to work and have careers?Opportunities for women in the workplace are increasing as is the need for women in the workforce. Combined with the economic realities many families face, more and more women are working outside the home. The important issue for families is not whether mom works outside the home. What is important is that children have consistent, loving adults caring for them, that children have an opportunity to spend regular time with loving parents who have the energy and interest in being with them, and that families have a variety of good resources available.
Do you think the role of fathers has really changed in the last twenty years?Many more fathers today are taking an active role from the start. In Janis's parents' groups and classes more and more dads are coming -- some as a stay-at-home parent, some who work part-time and share parenting, and others who work full-time, but are making it a priority to be involved in all aspects of their children's lives. Many dads are faced with the same difficult balancing act between work and family that mothers are.
What are some of the benefits and challenges for families in which two parents are actively involved?It benefits every member of the family. Mothers have someone who is thinking about the day-to-day decisions with them. They get to experience their partner as a nurturing, involved parent. Fathers get to be really connected with their children from the start -- not just when they start walking or talking.
One father of twins we know became the expert in his family on reading his sons' cries. Way before his kids learned to talk he could understand what they were saying, and they learned that they could count on him. Kids who have two active, involved, full parents experience the richness and individuality of each parent. And the more parents you have involved, the higher your chances of having a fresh parent when you need one.
There are, however, several new challenges that come up in families where parents are really sharing the caring. Decisions which might have been decided unilaterally by one parent are now open to negotiation and differences of opinion. Also, in many families where parents are caring equally for the children, parents have opposite schedules, so finding time together is difficult. Families are working out these challenges and coming up with creative solutions.
Parents today often complain about being isolated. What can they do about it?This is such an important issue. Isolation is one of the major causes of stress in families. The kind of support that happened historically in some communities could happen in the workplace, with family friendly policies, lunch time parent workshops and networking opportunities, on-site child care. Community centers which combined the various services families need could become places where families could build connections. Many child care programs have strong parent education components.
In the past, much of the community organizing that happened was done by a stay-at-home-parent. With fewer of those, we need to look to ways community programs might step up to fill the need.
We know families who exchange child care one night a week. One family watches the kids one week and the other, the next week. Many families have a standing date for dinner every week and they alternate houses. Some parents organize parent support groups with several of the parents they know to meet in the evening and share information about their kids. Some parents belong to child care co-ops.
So many children today come from broken homes. What does it mean for kids today that the family unit is no longer intact?While it can be a major adjustment for everyone in the family when parents separate, most children don't perceive their family as broken, only changed. While this transition is stressful for families, in the long run, it's not the exact configuration of the family that makes the most difference to the children. It's how well that family can meet the emotional and physical needs of those children that counts. Sometimes, this means the parents have to consider what is going to work best for the children when they are making their decisions about where to live. One lucky family found houses on the same street, so that their kids didn't have to change neighborhoods when they made the transition from one home to the other.
