"A Family Bed?"

Our 11-month old, Benji, has been sleeping with us since he was born. We've tried putting him in his crib, but we all get the best night's sleep when all three of us sleep together. We have been getting some pressure from Benji's aunts and uncles who have older children. They tell us that we are starting bad habits, that we will never be able to get our child to sleep on his own, and that we are raising a dependent child. Are we harming our child by continuing to let him sleep with us? Is it time for him to be out of our bed?

-- wondering in Philadelphia

Where, when, how long and with whom children sleep is the subject of much debate among child development experts as well as among parents. As we look around the world at family sleeping arrangements, we know that this discussion is influenced largely by culture. What people believe is good for children ranges from an absolute conviction that the family bed is the only way children will develop attachment to just as absolute a conviction that children won't learn independence if they sleep with their parents.
   What we have learned from years of talking with parents is that no one way works for all families. We've also learned that there isn't just one way to learn attachment and independence. There are many opportunities during the day, as well as the night, to foster both.
   Depending on parents' and children's sleep patterns and temperament, arrangement of living space, and amount and quality of time spent together during the day, each family develops its own unique plan. Some parents, who work outside the home, find night time a special time to connect with their children, while other working parents find that they need private uninterrupted sleep in order to be alert on their jobs and available to their children during the day. Some families with children who wake often find it easier to have them close in bed, instead of having to get up for each waking.
   It is not unusual for your family's sleeping arrangements to surprise you. Many families, who think they want to have a family bed, find that their child sleeps better on his own, or that they can't sleep well with their child in the bed. And the opposite holds true as well. Many families, who thought they would never have a family bed, discover that it is the most successful arrangement for them.
   Finding the right arrangement for your family often takes quite a bit of trial and error. And then, when you finally do figure it out, you may find that you face criticism and disagreement from extended family members and others about your chosen strategy for nighttime parenting.
    In your case, the criticism is coming because you have a family bed. The good thing about your relatives' criticism is that it shows that they care about you and your children, as well as your success as parents. They obviously have experience that has worked for them (or taught them what not to do), and they are eager to share it with you. The problem arises when their caring and experience comes across as criticism, or when they start giving you directives about how to be the best parent.
   There are ways that you can encourage your extended family's continued interest and involvement, while still carving out the space to make your own decisions about what is best for your family. (For more on how to do this, click here.).
   It sounds like you have figured out the best sleeping arrangement for now, one in which everyone gets the rest they need. Here are some things to consider as you continue to evaluate the best sleeping arrangement for your family:
. Be creative about bed arrangements. Arranging a bed big enough for all of you to sleep comfortably in is sometimes a challenge. People have put mattresses on the floor, have created "sidecar" arrangements with cribs or other beds, or had children sleep on pallets on the floor next to their parents' bed. Some families have made a whole room the sleeping room. And sometimes sleeping locations change during the course of a single night.
. Make time for your adult relationships. If you're parenting with a partner who lives with you, carving out time to be alone together may be challenging when you have night-time company in your bed. You may have to be creative to figure out how to have regular time with your partner, both for private conversations and intimate contact.
. Check-in regularly to see how things are going. Because children and families change, the sleeping arrangement that worked last month won't necessarily still be working this month. One father states, "My son developed 'egg-beater' legs when he reached four years old. We had to figure out how to transition him to his own sleeping area, quickly."
    When we continue a routine without reassessing about it, we sometimes discover that we are feeling resentful about '"being crowded out of bed every night," or "still having to lay down with my daughter until she falls asleep." When we care for our children resentfully, both parents and children grow frustrated: we feel we are giving too much, and they feel they are not getting what they need. If you realize that your family's sleep routine is no longer working for you, it is important to take steps to transition to different system.
. Make changes gradually. If you decide that it is time for a change, try to allow yourself enough time to make the change gradually. This allows your child time to develop new ways of doing things. When you are ready to transition your child out of your bed, he may still want to be on a mat in your room for a while, or he may want you to lie down with him as he is going to sleep in his own bed. Some children start by napping in a new bed. Including the child in making the transition helps, also. Children may want to choose new sheets or help set up their new bed.
. Changes may be initiated by children as well as parents. Sometimes the change from a family bed is initiated by the child. Children may want to join a sibling in a different bed or a different room, or they may become interested in "my own bed." Some want a bed they can call their own, but they're not yet ready to sleep in it. Others want to experiment with the independence of sleeping on their own. Often, children will go back and forth as they make the change -- a night or part of a night in their own bed, then back to yours. It's important to be sensitive to the clues of children about when they are ready, as well as being aware of your own needs.