"Separation Trauma"

My three-year-old son, Micah, just started child care a week ago and he cries for half an hour every day when I leave. I have to listen to him sobbing as I drive out of the parking lot and often I'm crying too. My heart is breaking. I feel like I'm doing something terrible to my son, but I need to go to work. My partner and I both like the teachers and the program, and we visited with Micah before we left him there by himself. Is his crying normal? Or is it a sign that something is wrong?

-- Distraught in Des Moines

Beginning child care can be a big transition for children as well as for their parents. For young children, the transition is difficult because of their limited cognitive and emotional development. Young kids don't have a clear sense of time. When you tell Micah, "I'll be back at 4:30," he isn't able to conceptualize what eight hours are going look like. He only knows that you're gone and that he can't be with you right now. When you're coming back is a distant abstraction, not something he can hold on to for comfort.
      Another thing that is challenging for children is that it takes them a while to build a sense of trust and safety in a new setting. During their first few weeks in a new child care setting, your son may be asking the questions, "Who will help me if I get hungry? If I get sad? Tired? Mad?" He may also be uncertain about whether or not you're going to come back to get him. Even though you have never neglected to pick him up before, he may have questions about whether you will pick him up here, in this new setting.
      Micah may also be wondering, "Who are my friends going to be?" Since his experience as a three-year-old is limited, Micah probably doesn't know a lot about how one makes friends. Nor will he understand that all the strangers running around his childcare center are potential friends.
      The issues that make child care challenging for parents are complex as well. Many parents feel ambivalent about having their children in child care. They may not have a choice about working or going to school, and would prefer to stay at home with their child if they had a choice. Other parents have more of a choice, and believe its best for them and their families if they work, but still have mixed feelings about not staying home with their child full-time. Some parents, particularly mothers, feel criticism from family and the larger community about "leaving their children." Parents also want to be sure that their children are safe, happy, and well-cared for.
      There are a number of things you can do to address both your adjustment issues and your son's as well:
. Plan for warming-in time. Once you have decided on a program or provider, set aside some time for you and your child to make the transition to his new care situation. Depending on your particular child, this may mean one or several visits together before you leave him by himself. It may also mean that you will leave him for progressively longer periods of time until he has reached his "full" day. Many providers welcome this kind of adjustment period, but some have a policy of quick drop-offs from the first. In this case, you may want to work with the provider to come up with a mutually comfortable transition. If you are unable to do that, you may want to reevaluate your child care choice.
. Maintain daily contact with your child's caregiver. The quality of your communication and relationship with your child's caregiver is pivotal to your child's adjustment to and success in care. You child needs you to be on the same team with her caregiver in order for her to feel trusting in her care environment.
      Good communication and support between parent and caregiver is a two-way street. You can choose a program which includes daily parent-teacher communication or you can work with your child's care provider to create a way for it to happen. You should be able to give and get written and/or verbal information about your child daily. If there is not time budgeted for this, you may be able to help by coming ten minutes early to do the snack dishes, so that the teacher will have time to talk. Check-ins can also happen in the form of a periodic phone call. If you and your provider make it a priority, it will happen.
. Let your child know when you leave and when you are coming back. As tempting as it is to sneak away, disappear and "avoid" all the tears, it is important to your child's sense of trust in you that you let her know when you are going to leave. When parents "slip away," children often feel they have to be constantly vigilant: "I can't really relax here because someone I care about might suddenly disappear." Even when you have to interrupt your child, saying good-bye is important. Telling your child goodbye also demonstrates that you have faith in her; that you think she is capable of doing well with her caregivers in your absence.
      Your return is as important as your leaving. Let your child care provider know when you expect to return and tell your child that you will be back. Then it is important for you to return on time. Even though your child can't yet read the clock, after repeated 3:30 pick-ups, your daughter will begin to look for you after she's woken up from her nap and had her snack.
. Make your comings and goings as regular as possible. Making your drop off and pick up times as consistent as possible helps your child adjust to the rhythm of the day. If you always drop her off after breakfast and pick her up right after lunch, her internal time clock with start to recognize that pattern, and that will make the separation easier. If, however, your work schedule is such that you work six hours on one day and an hour and a half on another, sometimes twice a week, and sometimes every day, you can expect that it will take longer for your young child to adjust.
. Develop a regular goodbye routine. For many children, a predictable routine around leave-taking -- reading a book together, having a goodbye nurse, blowing three kisses, walking to the elevator and waving good-bye -- can make separations easier. Such rituals reassure children and fulfill their strong inner need for repetition.
. Leave a token of yourself behind. Sometimes it can help to leave a token of yourself with your child. For a baby, this might be a familiar shirt that has your smell on it; for an older child, it could be a laminated picture of you that can be slipped into a pants pocket. Children can hold these cherished items or put them in their cubbies for safekeeping. Touching or looking at them during the day can help your child hold on to a tangible memory of you.
. Value crying as a form of communication. Even when children are well prepared for child care, they may still be upset when you leave them. For many children, crying is part of the goodbye, a reasonable way to make the transition between you and a caregiver. If your child recovers quickly, spends the rest of the time exploring, and is relatively happy, you can assume that the crying is just how your child says goodbye. If, however, your child cries the whole two hours, several days in a row, it may be time to reassess what you're doing: "Is this the right caregiver for us? The right schedule? The right situation?"
. Talk to your child's caregivers about the kind of support you would like your child to have if she cries. Some caregivers feel like they are not supposed to let children cry at all, and will try to distract them from their sad feelings. Having a caregiver who is comfortable with your child's sadness, and who will stay present and listen to her express her feelings, is an important part of teaching your child that this new place is a place she can feel safe in.
. Write or talk about your feelings regarding this transition. Even in the best of situations--when you are clear about your decision and delighted with your child's new care situation, there are bound to be feelings of sadness and loss. Give yourself some time to talk to friends or others who will listen to you without feeling the need to give you advice. You could also make notes in a journal, reflecting your feelings about this new, big step.
. Honor separation as a part of life. There's a natural ebb and flow to relationships that encompasses being together and being apart, being close and being independent, exploring the world and then coming back to our family, our home base. Good-byes and reunions are an integral part of family life. We go away and we come back. Learning to deal with separation is a skill that evolves throughout our lives.
For information on choosing childcare, click here.