"Exclusionary Play"

We belong to an informal play group of about eight children. The kids are between 4 and 5 years of age. Recently, there has been a rash of exclusionary play: "You can't play with us. Only 5-year olds can play here," or "You can't play with us because you are a dummy." Kid's feelings are getting hurt and parents are feeling upset and thinking about pulling out of the playgroup. What can we do when these situations arise?

-- Worried in Worchester

We're glad that you are thinking about this issue. While exclusionary play occurs normally in the play of young children, neglecting to respond to it robs us of the opportunity to do some important teaching.
      Children exclude others for many reasons. With beginning-level social skills, children sometimes end up playing with a friend without knowing how they got there, how the play started, or how to get the play going again in the future. Therefore, the play may seem tenuous to them and any little distraction can feel like it threatens the survival of the play. If she could articulate it, a child who is excluding another child might actually be saying, "I'm worried that if you come into our play, we will lose our game."
      Another reason for exclusion is children's single-focus thinking. In each relationship a child has, he is a unique person. With Dad, I act one way. With Grandma, I act another way. With my friend, Justin, I always play dress-up. With my friend Leila, I like to make forts. When I am playing dress-up with Justin and Leila comes over to join us, I feel confused -- like I can't be my dress-up self and my fort-builder self at the same time.
      Single-focus thinking also affects children's understanding of friendship. There are periods during the first five years when children think that they can only have one friend at a time, so when they're engaged with one child, they tend to exclude a third: "You can't play here. You're not my friend anymore." The child's thinking might go something like this: "If I am playing with Juan, then he is my friend and if I can only have one friend, then I can't play with Jasmine. And if I am not playing with her, she must not be my friend anymore."
      A third reason for children's exclusionary play is that in new or tenuous friendships, children often latch onto something that holds them together or aligns them with their new buddy. Agreeing to exclude another person is one way children might try to cement their existing relationship: "We're friends, riiiight? Cause we don't like her, riiiiight?"
      Another factor for three to five-year-old children is the development of categorical thinking. They are noticing and talking about similarities and differences in people and in the world around them. They understand that there is a group of people called girls and a group called boys. There are people with long hair and people with short hair. They are building new categories every day, but they don't yet fully understand the significance of these groups, or what it means to be a member of one and not of another. They go through periods when they believe that only people who are "alike" can play together, so they might say, "You can't play with us because you don't have a Ninja Turtle on your shirt." It is particularly important for adults to play a facilitation role in these interactions, because children are learning important concepts about what it means to be alike and different, and they're also starting to understand the significance of membership in certain groups.
      Children sometimes exclude others as a way to explore power, ownership and control: "You can't play here!! This is our spaceship!!" Sometimes the excluded person is such an important part of the play that the excluding friends will have to chase after him to remind him, "You can't play with us." This leads to further discoveries about feelings, including hurt, rejection and hopefully, empathy.
      Depending on your guess about what is behind children's exclusionary behavior, there are several ways you can respond:
. Acknowledge the play that is already going on. As you describe to children what you see them doing and ask them to talk about it, they will start feeling less threatened and more confident that their play will be able to continue: "The two of you have been working hard over here. Can you tell Shondra and I what you are building?" In many cases, when kids understand that the new person won't threaten their play, they can allow her to join.
. Talk with children about ways the new person could join. You can offer a suggestion, "So, this is a fire station." Do you need someone to bring water for the fire? I wonder if Shondra could help you with that." Or you can ask children for their ideas: "What kinds of workers does a fire station need? Is there a way Shondra could help with the fire station?" Or, "Shondra, do you have an idea of something you could do in the fire station?"
. Encourage the excluded child to share his ideas and feelings. "Taylor, you can tell Rigo how you feel when he says you can't play here." Or, "What is your idea about playing here?"
. Help children protect their play without hurting other's feelings. Sometimes, it is important for two children to keep their play private. You can give them ideas for doing this without hurting the feelings of others: "It looks like they two of you want to play alone right now. Is there a time later that Leila could join you?" Or, "Could you think of something else that Leila could play right now?"
. Keep most play areas open for all children. It is important for children to know that they can have private play, but cannot monopolize large areas of the environment: "It's alright for you to play with your special friend, Joy, but that sandbox is for everyone."
. Establish safety limits to prevent children from being physically or emotionally hurt. You can set ground rules to help children stay safe: "I won't allow you to say that to Leila. It hurts her feelings when you call her names. Let's figure out another way to tell her your idea. You could say, 'I just want to play with Sara right now. Maybe I could play with you later.'"
. Find ways to challenge exclusions based on children's categorical thinking. It is important that we don't allow children to treat somebody hurtfully based on their membership in a particular group. As well as stopping children from excluding someone because she is a "girl" or because he has a "funny nose," it is important to challenge children's thinking.
      You can do this by asking children to think about behavior, rather than physical characteristics: "So what do you need to be able to do to play here?" Once kids have outlined the necessary skills, you can talk with the person who wants to join about which of those things they might be able to do: "Julie says that she loves to dig. She could help you make your hole deeper." If children "require" skills that the new child doesn't possess, you can help them broaden their thinking by offering other ideas for help: "Darren isn't tall enough to build on the top there, but he could bring carpet pieces for the floor."
      In cases where kids can't get past a categorical rule, "Girls can't play here!" you may have to step in and make a clear statement, "You can't stop someone from playing just because she's a girl. And we also don't stop boys from playing anywhere just because they're boys."
. Set the stage for success. At home, if you find that having two of your daughter's friends over at the same time usually ends up with one being excluded, you may want to stick to having just one friend over at a time.

For more on exclusionary play and teasing at the elementary school level, click here.