"Dealing With Divorce"

After months of trying to "work it out," my partner and I have decided that we are going to get a divorce. We have a two-year old son and a five-year old daughter. Even though we have tried to be careful in front of the children, there has been a fair amount of fighting (the yelling kind) going on which seems to upset them. About the only thing we agree on is that we both want this to be as easy on the kids as possible. We're worried about the impact it might have on them and wonder how and when we should tell them. Also, we wonder what the best visitation and living arrangements will be for them after the divorce.

-- divorcing dad in Memphis

Divorce is a very big event in the lives of young children. Nothing can change that fact. However, the ways you support children through the transition, and the quality of ongoing family relationships you maintain during and after the divorce, will greatly influence the nature of the experience for your children.
      As concerned parents, there are three main areas you can work on. The first is the immediate physical and emotional changes brought about by the divorce. The second is the long-term relationship between each child and each parent. And the third is the relationship with your partner as you transition from living as a couple to being co-parents together.
      Here are some things to think about during the actual separation and preparation for it:
. Telling the children. It is important that both parents get together at the same time, in the same place, to tell the kids about the separation. As hard as it may be, it is reassuring to the children to see you and your partner working together as a team as much as possible during this process. Telling them "together" means more than just sitting in the same room. It means that you have a unified story about what is going to happen and that you avoid "blaming" each other. It is also important to reassure them that they will still have a relationship with each parent and that both of you will always be their parents.
. Work to develop a respectful relationship with your partner --- for the sake of the children. Children see themselves as a reflection of each parent. Disparaging remarks to children about one of their parents is doubly detrimental. Children take those remarks personally and negative comments undermine their rightful sense of pride in their other parent. So, when the work of creating good communication with your ex seems overwhelming, remember that you are doing it not for your ex, but for the children.
. Get help. This is a time when your family needs lots of help. You probably need practical help figuring out the physical break-up, and you also need emotional support, both individually and as a separating couple. This kind of emotional support often takes the form of professional counseling and/or mediation.
      If you are reluctant to ask for help or feel like there are too many barriers, look carefully at what is getting in your way. Whatever help you get during this rocky time will have a direct benefit on your children's experience of the divorce. Not only will you be in better shape, but your children will learn that when families go through hard times, there are resources available to help.
. Children think about divorce differently than adults do. Children have differing abilities to understand divorce, depending on their age and developmental level. While your two-year old son can pick-up on the tension in the family and can imagine being sad that mommy or daddy is going bye-bye, he can't fully envision what a divorced family will look like or what implications it might have on his life. He may wonder things like, "Who will make breakfast for me?" Or, "Will I still get to sleep with my beary?" Even your five-year old will understand the divorce mostly from her own point of view. She may even feel responsible for causing it, thinking that the anger she senses around her is because of her misdeeds: "Maybe if I cleaned up my toys and didn't fight with my brother, my parents wouldn't be getting a divorce."
      Children also wonder if their relationship with you is going to change since your relationship with each other is changing. From a child's perspective, divorce can raise frightening questions: "If you can decide not to live together because you were fighting too much and couldn't solve your problems, does that mean that if you get mad at me, that I might want to divorce me so I wouldn't be your child anymore?"
      It is important to explain to children that sometimes parents decide not to be married anymore or not to live together anymore, but that parents and children never get divorced, even if they are very, very mad at each other.
. Respond to children's questions. Children will need reassurance about their worries and concerns, even if they seem petty to us: "Sometimes Mommy will make breakfast for you and sometimes Daddy will, but you will always have someone to fix your breakfast." "You can always sleep with your beary." "I will always be your Daddy, even when you are all grown-up." "Yes, I still love your Daddy because he is your Daddy, even though I don't love him as my husband anymore."
      Sometimes questions are just a way of trying to talk about what is going on. You can ask the question back to children before answering it as a way to get more information about what they are thinking or not understanding. "Who do you think will fix you breakfast?"
. Stay open to children's feelings -- in their own time. Children's feelings about divorce can be confusing to understand. Often they are delayed, mixed, or misdirected. Children may even be excited when you first tell them. "Oh, goodie, now I can have two bedrooms." "Yeah! I'm going to get a new house."
      What can be confusing to the adult (and to the child, also) is that people can have more than one feeling about an event. Even children who are very excited are probably also very fearful, sad and confused. Letting children know throughout the entire process that it is normal to have many different feelings --even at the same time -- will help them be more in touch with what may seem like contradictory feelings.
      Often feelings of any kind are quite delayed. Because most young children cannot fully fathom the implications of the change, they don't know how they feel about it until they start experiencing it. You can still let children know that you expect that at times they might feel sad or angry or scared about the things that are happening to them: "Going through a divorce can be a hard thing for children. Sometimes you might feel mad or scared or like you want to cry."
      Children may also misdirect their feelings -- falling apart with one parent when they are really upset at the other one, or getting very mad about not being able to find their lost binoculars when they are really feeling scared about whether dad is still a part of their family. They may also express their feelings through "acting out" or misbehavior. Setting clear, safe limits and listening to children when they are expressing any feelings are especially important during this time. Children may even be afraid of the intensity of their own feelings and your presence will reassure them that they are okay, despite their overwhelming feelings.
      It is not your job to try to "solve" the thing that set your child off in the moment. Often the precipitating event is like a match struck to a ready pile of kindling. Rather than trying to pacify your child or "fix" the problem, it's important to keep your child safe and listen to her feelings as fully as you can. Your child's crying is not something to stop; it is an important expression of feelings that will help her feel better.
      This kind of focused listening can be very difficult for parents in any situation; it is hard for most of us to witness our children's strong feelings. But, it can be particularly difficult for parents who are going through a divorce, both because they are experiencing strong feelings of their own, and also because they may be feeling guilty or responsible for causing the anguish their child is dealing with.
. Take care of yourself. It is important during this time that you have a safe place where you can deal with your feelings, so that you can give your children permission to have theirs without yours getting all mixed in.
. Provide consistency and predictability. As much as possible during the immediate separation as well as later on, create predictable schedules for your children, so that they know when they will be seeing each parent. If you need to make changes, let children know in advance, and work to allow children consistent time with both parents.
. Protect children from fighting, bickering and violence. While it is all right for children to witness some healthy disagreement, most of us don't have positive problem-solving skills, particularly during a divorce. Work to make an agreement with your partner about creating private time for those difficult discussions and fights and develop a system where you can alert each other to postpone an impending argument if one of you senses that things are about to erupt. When dealing with touchy issues, most divorcing couples can benefit from the ongoing help of a mediator.
      Children should never be witness to violence between their parents. Watching physical or emotional abuse can have long-term damaging effects on children. If kids have seen parental abuse or violence, it's important that they have access to counseling to help them work through it.
. Focus on your children's needs as much as possible. During the stressful period of divorce, you can help children by doing the following: providing consistency, committing yourself to working out a respectful co-parenting relationship, and creating space for the expression of children's feelings and outside resources when necessary.

For more on what to do long-term after the initial period of separation and divorce, see "Co-Parenting After the Divorce."