"Co-parenting After Divorce"

My partner and I got divorced six months ago. We have an 18-month-old and a 5-year-old. We are both committed to co-parenting and now that things have settled down somewhat, we would like to know what we can do to make our two-household family a secure, healthy place for children to grow up in.

-- trying to go with the changes in Santa Barbara

It sounds as if you understand that adjusting to divorce and redefining your family are long-term commitments which are not wrapped up neatly as soon as the divorce papers are signed. Your commitment to co-parenting, and to the redefinition of your family as a family that spans two households, are important steps towards building a new, healthy, inclusive family. There are several other factors to keep in mind which can help your family during this time and in the future, as well:
. Work to build or maintain regular communication with your "ex." While this may be the most challenging task of all, it is probably the most important key to successful co-parenting.
      Most divorced couples go through stages in developing communication. A few are able to do it consistently, on their own, from the start. Others can handle many of the day-to-day encounters fine, but need mediation help for the bigger discussions and decisions. Still others need to have help with every interaction at first. It is important to figure out what kind of help your family needs to create the kind of communication which will make shared parenting successful.
      If you and your partner do decide that you need mediation help, it is useful to schedule appointments regularly, rather than just in response to a crisis. Regular appointments allow you to come in ready to talk, rather than always braced for a conflict.
. Children deserve to have each of their parents respected. Children feel that they hold a part of each parent. When one of their parents is disrespected, children can feel that there is something wrong with themselves. Even though there are probably things you don't like or can't stand about your ex, it is important, for your children's sake, that you work to hold on to the things that you appreciate about your ex, so that you can communicate that appreciation and respect to your children. (In situations where a parent is unsafe or abusive with children, it is important to get professional input so that you can learn appropriate ways to talk to your child about their other parent.)
. There is enough love to go around. Avoid putting children in the position where they have to choose one parent over the other. This goes beyond issues of physical custody. It encompasses putting children in a bind where they feel they need to love us the "best." It means not implying, however subtly, that if our children love their other parent, they don't love us or love us enough.
      Even though many people believe that there is a finite amount of love, that isn’t how love works. You are now in a situation where you have an opportunity to teach your kids that there is more than enough of love for every person in their family. In fact, the more you can allow your child to love his or her other parent, the deeper the love they will be able to hold for you.
. Develop a schedule for your child(ren). This is one of the biggest decisions for two-household families to make. In developing a schedule, it is important to take a number of factors into account: the age of the children (younger children need shorter, more frequent contact with both parents), the temperament of the children (how well or poorly they handle transitions) the schedules of the parents, the physical location of each parent, the location of the children's daycare, school and friends, and the kinds of contact the child has had with each parent before the divorce.
      It can be helpful to utilize the resources of mediators and child development professionals in coming up with a schedule that works to meet your needs as well as the needs of your children. It is important to be thoughtful in developing a schedule, because once you have implemented it, children begin to learn it and count on it. Changes to the schedule require new adaptation on the part of the child and may take considerable adjustment, depending on the child's temperament. Any time you make a change, either temporary or permanent, it is important to let the child know ahead of time if possible.
. Work to make transitions positive. Changing from one home to another or from one parent to another is a big transition for children. It is complicated by the fact that the adults who are helping probably have negative, uncomfortable or angry feelings toward the other parent.
      Ideally, for children, the transitions should be smooth, friendly, relaxed and information-filled. There are ways to work towards this ideal, even while adults are still struggling with their own issues. Some families arrange for transitions to happen through a third party, like school or child care. Dad drops her off and mom picks her up. Or parents, who do face-to-face transitions, have an agreement not to bring up any of the "hard topics" during drop-off or pick-up.
      In either of these situations, communication is still essential. It can happen by phone, by written note or through a weekly session with a mediator. Communication serves several purposes. It provides for sharing important information about the care of children. "He had one dose of his antibiotic this morning. He'll be ready for another at 2:00." "Her gymnastics class will be meeting for two hours tomorrow instead of one." It allows for shared decision-making. "He wants to go trick-or-treating until 6:00 with his friend, Jake. What do you think?" Equally important, communication allows for your child's experience in two households or wt. two different parents to be more integrated.
      When parent and child share stories of their time together with the other parent, it gives the child permission to hold and talk about his memories whenever they come up, to fully integrate the different parts of his life. He doesn't have to always monitor himself: "Where am I now? Can I talk about my trip to the fair with my dad here?"
      Lastly, children pick-up on the subtle and not-so-subtle messages and feelings in the interactions that happen around them. When their most important people continue to have stressful interactions, that stress impacts their lives. Even if you don't start with easy transitions, they are worthwhile to work towards.
. My journal. Some families find that keeping a journal with children which records the events in each home helps the child make the transition, and lets her feel more integrated. People do them different ways. Some write and draw in them, together with their children, every day. Others sit down just before leaving for the other parent's and write/draw about their time together. The journal then travels with the child and is shared between the child and the other parent.
      The journal's purpose is to provide a record of what the child wants to include, and also to serve as a catalyst for conversation which can help the child make the transition from one home to the other. It's important to point out that the journal should never be used as a way for parents to "compete" for who did the best activity or to send accusing messages back and forth.
. "Mom's House, Dad's House" Although this terminology is widely used, it may imply to some kids that they don't have a house to call their own. If homes could be delineated by "my apartment house and my blue house," or "my Cedar Street house and my swing-set house," then children can identify both houses as their own unique homes.