"Toddler Tantrums"

My two-year-old has started exploding in tantrums. If I give him his sandwich on the wrong plate, ask him to get into his carseat or tell him he can't have another cookie, he starts kicking and screaming and hitting me. His reaction seems so extreme for such little things. Sometimes I feel so sad for him and other times, I'm just furious. My in-laws say, "Ignore him. He'll stop." My friend says, "Try to distract him. Get him interested in something else." I'm not sure what I should do. Will I ever get my sweet, agreeable guy back?

-- confused dad in Lansing

What a welcome to toddlerhood! While the behaviors you describe are some of the most challenging and upsetting things parents and children have to deal with, they are a normal part of two-year-old development.
      Two-year old children have made great advances since they were babies. They are mobile and able to explore the world, rather than waiting for it to come to them. They've developed a more sophisticated system of communication. Now as toddlers, their major task is to discover themselves as individuals -- separate from the people who love and care for them. In essence, their job description has exploded and they are doing their best to keep up.
      Children this age can be passionate, tenacious, full-speed ahead, delighted, delightful, excited, emphatic, fearful, controlling, unyielding, defiant, exasperating, endearing, affectionate, funny, curious, loving, and full of themselves. Many of these characteristics set them up for exhaustion, conflict, struggle and frustration. Toddlers are rapidly learning concepts they can't fully comprehend. They are driven to attempt things they can't yet do successfully. They are compelled to test everything and everybody. Their job is to find out which decisions they can make on their own, so they are highly motivated to contradict every decision that you want to make for them.
      Tantrums are usually cumulative. Being a toddler means that you are encountering numerous frustrations all day long (many of which are invisible to us). Frequently, children just get to their bursting point. The "little" things that set them off are usually the "last straw." Trying to resolve "the little thing that set him off" usually does not produce a content child. He may still need to unload his sackful of collected miseries.
      Like you, many parents of toddlers find themselves experiencing the "loss" of the child they had come to know. Parents of toddlers often feel unprepared for the enormity of feelings their toddlers are expressing. They feel overwhelmed when they see their children out-of-control, and at times, they too, feel angry and out-of-control.
      As the parent of a two-year-old, you may feel inadequate to the task of dealing with a rigid, screaming child. You may not know what to do or how to respond. You may experience resentment or jealousy of the freedom with which your toddler expresses himself. You may also wonder if your child's behavior is "normal."
      Aside from understanding your child's developmental struggles, there are some things you can do to lessen the number of tantrums your child has, to respond to those that he does have, and to help him learn more about his feelings and healthy ways to express them:
. Observe your child. Because toddlers have a limited vocabulary, we learn more about them by observing their total behavior than we do just listening to their words. Parents naturally do this with their children and make daily adaptations to schedules and interactions to make their child's day more successful. By observing children over time we learn what they are interested in, what is important to them, what situations are hard for them and how they can most successfully manage those difficulties. We learn their own unique system of communication -- non-verbal, as well as verbal. We learn to see the world through their eyes.
      Many of us have observed that playing with a friend in the late afternoon, if our child has not had a nap, is doomed, so when we make plans, we avoid this situation when possible. We work to keep our child's sleep, eating and stimulation quotas in balance because we know from observation that these factors can influence frequency of tantrums.
. Offer toddlers choices and choose your battles. Since many toddlers want to make all of the decisions, they have to face the frustration of not getting their way many times a day. (And their parents have to face the frustration of having their authority continually challenged.) While consistency and follow-through are important, choice and negotiation are also important when dealing with toddlers. Toddlers need opportunities to practice making decisions. By offering them choices and listening to their ideas, they get to experience a sense of personal power and influence.
      While it is important to hold to most of the limits we set with children, there are times that it is reasonable to negotiate. Choosing our battles allows us to keep our energy for the important issues and be more flexible about the little stuff. However, most parents of toddlers have discovered that some tantrums are inevitable, even if they offer their kids choices, negotiate with them, and make sure they get enough food and rest.
. Responding to tantrums. There is much advice around about "what to do" when your child has a tantrum. Finding a response that works best for both you and your child may take some experimentation. It helps to keep in mind that children's expression of feelings helps them work through their emotions. It is not our job to make our child's crying stop. Parents can listen, support, and help their children understand their feelings, we can keep kids emotionally and physically safe, but it is not useful for us to distract, cajole or threaten children in an attempt to stop their tantrums. These "stop the crying" techniques teach children that the feelings they are having are unacceptable or scary to us, and usually serve to force the feelings underground -- only to surface at another time.
. Listen to your child. Often what children want -- even more than the "thing" they are begging for is to be listened to; to have someone who can hear and accept their frustration. This kind of supportive listening may be difficult for us when we feel caught up in the struggle, when we're dealing with our own waves of emotion, or when we're juggling full schedules and other family needs.
      If we can perceive these times of emotional upheaval as opportunities for growth and closeness, we can use tantrums to get to know our children and ourselves better. We can use tantrums as an opportunity to teach our children about the full range of healthy feelings. We can teach them appropriate ways to express those feelings and let them know that they (and their big, scary feelings) are safe with us.
      Listening to your child may mean just sitting close, while being quiet and attentive. It may mean verbally acknowledging what you see your child feeling: "You seem really upset that your sandwich came on the blue plate instead of the helicopter plate." Your child may want to be held while she cries and rants. She may want you to stay within view, but to give her a little space.
      Sometimes, it feels like our "listening" isn't helpful because our child continues to cry. You may feel tempted to say, "If you are going to keep crying, than it doesn't do any good for me to stay here with you." Actually, it may be your presence that is allowing your child to feel safe enough to express her full feelings.
      For some of us who aren't used to this kind of intense emotional expression, it can be very difficult to stay close and be supportive. If that's true for you, you can take breaks, checking back frequently with your child to see how he is doing. When you leave, it is important that your child is safe, that you acknowledge that he needs some time to express his feelings, and that you tell him you will be back in a couple of minutes to check-in.
. Keep your child safe. Some of the ways children find to express their anger and frustration can be dangerous. If your child bangs his head, throws things or tries to hurt himself or you, you need to help keep things safe. You may do this by altering the environment -- putting a pillow under his head or moving him to a soft area to finish his tantrum. You can remove things that could be dangerous if thrown. You may need to physically hold your child, safely and gently, but firmly enough to keep you and him safe.
. Offer safe outlets for your child's anger. You can offer your child suggestions of safe ways to express his anger: "If you are mad you can say, 'I don't like that!!!' Or, you can pound on the couch or throw this small stuffed animal." Even when children can't immediately use our suggestions, they may store them for future use. They also serve to let children know that we accept their angry feelings, even when we are stopping a particular behavior.
. Take care of yourself. Dealing with toddler tantrums can be exhausting and upsetting. You may find that you are having many feelings of your own to sort out. Find a time and place to talk about what is happening and to express your own feelings. This will help you take care of yourself and also be more available to your child during his struggles.

      For an example of how one parent dealt with a toddler tantrum, see "Carseat Trauma".