"Responding To A Baby's Cries"

Zephy started childcare when he was eight months old. He goes for half-days, five days a week, while I work. The ratio at the center is 3:1 in the baby room. But sometimes Zephy cries all afternoon. In order to develop security and independence, I am convinced that Zephy needs to be held when he wants to be held. They do not always do this at his daycare.
      Zephy's dad, who I co-parent with, also disagrees with me - in order to be independent, he thinks that Zephy needs to learn that he cannot always be picked up and held. I cannot communicate to Zephy's dad my extreme distress with this attitude. Eight months old is not the age at which one "teaches" a baby independence; it's the age to nurture security and confidence by holding him in your arms. I am okay with a baby crying as long as he is being held, but cannot bear the idea of Zephy crying alone on the floor or in a crib. Am I right about this? Isn't an infant too young to understand anything but primal feelings of safety and abandonment? How can independence develop from a shaky base?

-- trying to figure it out in San Lorenzo Valley

It seems that you are asking several important questions here: "What is an appropriate way to respond to a baby who is crying so that he will develop a secure sense of trust in his world?" "How can I work with my child's caregiver to develop care that both of us feel meets Zephy's needs?" And, "How do the different people who care for a baby work out differences of opinion about the care of their baby?"
      We agree that your baby's first year is a significant time in his life for learning trust. Also, crying is one of the main forms of communication a baby has. When we respond to a baby's cry, he learns that his world is a responsive, secure place to be. He feels safe enough to continue reaching out, exploring and learning.
      In your question you describe two different responses to a baby's cry. The first is to pick him up and hold him. The second is to leave him crying alone on the floor or in his crib. I agree with you that ignoring him and leaving him to cry alone isn't going to help him feel safe and trusting in the world.
      However, there are a variety of ways you can respond to a crying baby that will communicate that he is being listened to and cared for. Picking him up and holding him is one way. Coming close to him or laying on the floor beside him, while talking and listening is another way. Touching him, patting him or bringing him something new to explore is a third.
      For more suggestions about responding to children's crying, read on:
. Ask the baby. Whenever someone asks infant development specialist Magda Gerber how to respond to a crying baby, she answers, "Ask the baby." Her point is that you can't make up your mind how you are going to respond until you get close enough to the baby to see what he or she might need. If we always respond in a predetermined way, (based on what we think babies need, )we may be missing important cues from the baby that he, in fact, needs something different.
. Understand that you can't always fix it. Like all babies, Zephy cries for many different reasons, some of which you may be able to resolve for him, some of which you may be able to help him resolve, and some of which he will need to resolve on his own.
. Be a witness. At times, Zephy may be feeling sad or frustrated or angry, and these may be feelings he needs to express by crying. Yet for many of us, it's hard to witness our children's unhappiness without trying to "do" something about it. One thing that might help you is thinking back on times you've been unhappy or have cried. What did you need in those moments? Did you always want to be picked up and held close? Did you want someone to pat you on the back, and whisper soothingly in your ear, "Shhhh! There, there?" Or were there times when you would you have given anything for someone to just be close to you, fully listening to whatever you needed to express?
. Compassionately allow babies to struggle. If Zephy is trying to learn how to pull up and stand, and he is repeatedly falling down, being picked up won't help him. It may even interrupt his mastery of an important new skill. On the other hand, walking away and ignoring Zephy's frustration may leave him feeling alone in the world. Staying close, paying attention to his struggle and describing his efforts will let him know that you support his learning, but that it is something that he has to do for himself.
. When you and your partner have a difference of opinion, talk about what matters to you. From the information you've given us, it's hard for us to know what considerations play a role in Zephy's dad's point of view. If at all possible, it would be useful for the two of you to talk more deeply about your differing points of view. Once you stop trying to convince each other that you're the only one who's right, and practice listening to each other respectfully, you'll get closer to working out a plan that's acceptable for both of you. If the bottom line for you is that you want Zephy to feel like he's being listened to, maybe Zephy's dad could try "being there" for Zephy without necessarily picking him up. If what matters to him is fostering Zephy's autonomy, maybe you could find ways to nurture his independence at times when Zephy isn't crying.
. Find out more about a child's crying when they're away from you. In terms of Zephy's crying at daycare, communication with his caregivers is your most important tool. You say that sometimes he cries all afternoon. What does "crying all afternoon" look like? Does he cry off and on? What else does he do? How do his caregivers respond? Has the duration and/or intensity of his crying changed since he began care? Have his caregivers talked to you about the ways they feel they are responding to Zephy's needs? Getting more information will help you figure out if Zephy is progressing in his adjustment to daycare and if his caregivers are tuned in and responsive to him, or if you should try to find childcare that is a better match for your and Zephy's needs. (For more on children's adjustment to childcare, see "Separation Trauma.")
. Use your resources. Making adjustments to co-parenting and to child care both take resourcefulness, dedication, insight, communication and plain hard work. This is a time when it might be especially useful to talk to friends and other parents, join support groups, consult with a counselor or mediator by yourself or with Zephy's father. Also, see if you can find a little time just for you every day to reflect, care for and nurture yourself. It will be good for both you and Zephy.