"Sibling Spats"

My three and five-year-old seem like they are always quibbling about something: who gets to sit in the front seat of the car, who got the bigger piece of pie, who took whose toy. And then, there are times that they play happily together for hours. How can I get them to stop fighting?

-- frustrated father in Santa Barbara

This on-again/off-again relationship that you describe is common between siblings. They can be each other's best friends as well as each other's best fighting partners. It can be distressing to watch your children call each other names and hit and taunt each other. However, these encounters offer children rich opportunities for learning about how relationships work and for practicing important communication skills.
   It seems that children sense this opportunity and embrace every chance to practice. Why else would we find them in a room full of toys, arguing over the broken racing car? Or on a six-foot couch staking out the same two-square-inch spot?
   There are several ways we can help our children find those successful play periods and offer them tools for problem-solving when they are squabbling.
. Hold a vision. Many of us come to parenting feeling like sibling conflict is inevitable and that there really isn't anything we can do about it. If, instead, we begin the premise that the interpersonal communication skills our kids learn with their siblings will enrich all of their relationships, we can work with them towards this end. If we understand that sibling relationships offer unique resources to our children that differ from what they get in parent-child relationships, we can move away from the concept of "sibling rivalry" where all the focus is on getting the parent's limited attention.
. Set them up for success. Often, our children want to play peacefully with each other, but they can't quite figure out how to start. Through your observations of them, it's likely that you've gathered some information about the kinds of play which are most likely to be successful. If taking baths and building forts are their best times together, you could set them up together in a bath in the middle of an afternoon of arguing. You could put some blankets out and suggest that they build a fort for their stuffed animals. Sometimes, going outdoors or otherwise changing the environment can relieve some of the pressure. Often, if you can give them a little jump start, they will be on their way.
. Help them build a strong reciprocal relationship. At times when your children are not arguing, you can support successful interactions. When your son asks you for a cookie, give him two so he can offer one to his sister. Invite them to celebrate each other's achievements: "Lara, look, I think your brother is learning how to turn over!" "Lara, you learned how to fold a paper airplane! Show Kenji what you did."
. Support both children in a conflict. When we arrive on the scene of the crime, we often believe there is a "victim" and an "aggressor." What seems obvious on the surface is not necessarily true. The one who is hitting in the moment is probably the one who got her toy grabbed earlier. You can assume that if two kids are in a fight, both of them need support. If you come in only feeling supportive of one of the children, the other one will leave the encounter feeling and acting like a loser.
. Model and teach communication skills. Your job in your children's conflict is not to determine a winner and a loser, or even a specific outcome. You are there to ensure that communication is clear, that emotional and physical hurt is minimized, and that both people participate until each feels that the conflict is "over." With this kind of support, children will eventually arrive at their own "mutual" solution -- an outcome that not only solves the immediate problem, but also gives them the faith and experience that future conflicts can be solved. For more on how to mediate children's conflicts, click here.