"Dealing With A 2-Year-Old's Fears"

My two-year-old is frightened of dogs. When we are in the back yard and the neighbor's dogs bark, he runs to my side and holds on. When we see a dog on the street, he cries and wants to be held. Meanwhile, he is fascinated with the dogs in his book and always wants to turn to that page. What is up with him? Will he every get over this? How can I help him?

Your child's fears are a sign that he has incorporated some new ways of thinking. When he was younger he wasn't aware that anything existed outside of his immediate range -- what he could touch, mouth or see. Now he is understanding that there are things in the world that exist even though they are not in his present environment. He can imagine the park and ask to go there, understanding that it exists even when he is not there. This can be exciting and also somewhat scary to him. "If the park is still there, but I can't see it, what else is out in the world that I can't see?" In essence, children are understanding that the world is a much bigger place than they previously thought and may feel "small" and powerless in the face of their new discovery. And so, when children "name" a fear -- dogs, monsters, bugs -- that thing is really only part of their fear.
      It is not unusual for children to be scared of noises, such as sirens, or dogs barking, for two main reasons. Toddlers are beginning to understand that if there is a noise, there is something connected with that noise. When your son was an infant, a dog's bark was just another sound in his environment. Now, when he hears it, he knows it is connected to a dog that is somewhere he can't see. The second reason that the barking may be upsetting to him is that it comes as a surprise. Since he can't predict when the dog is going to bark, it makes him feel even more powerless when the dog barks.
      The interesting thing about many young children's responses to their fears is that they are frequently fascinated with them. We believe that this attests to children's determination and motivation to understand and overcome them. So, your son's single-minded interest in the "doggy picture" in his book fits perfectly with the fact that he is currently terrified of dogs. His natural inclination -- to learn more about the thing he is scared of while continuing his exposure to it -- will be his key to mastering his fear.
      Following your son's lead, here are some more suggestions about helping your toddler cope with fears:
. Listen to your child's fear and observe his/her response. Sometimes we are so ready to jump to action that we don't get enough information about what our child is afraid of or how they might naturally respond. As well as giving us needed information, talking about and expressing their fear will help empower a child. Whatever you can talk about is less scary than what you can't talk about.
. Help your child get more information about his/her designated fear. Fear is often caused by lack of information. Your son doesn't know enough about dogs to make a determination about whether the barking he hears is safe or not. Giving him chances to get more information and more experience with dogs will help him learn to narrow his fear.
      Your role in providing information and experience is one of facilitator. It is important that your son be allowed to "lead the way." In taking initiative to approach the thing he is afraid of, he begins to experience the empowerment necessary to feel more comfortable. If, on the other hand, we try to "push" him to overcome his terror, that can serve to intensify, rather than relieve his feelings of helplessness.
      In the situation of the barking dog next door, you could offer to lift your son up so he could look at the dog. You could ask your neighbor for appropriate doggy treats and ask your son if he would like to toss one over the fence to the dog. You could take a picture of the dog and make a little book called, "The Barking Dog Next Door." You could record the dog's barking with a portable tape recorder and allow your son to play it back when we wants to. You could also get more books about dogs or visit the puppies at the pet store. Eventually, your son may be ready to go for a visit to the scary dog with you staying close and the dog being tied up.
. Practice, role play, talk about it. You can also make opportunities or expand on your son's ideas to "play" at being dogs. You could pretend to be a big, friendly dog with a soft bark. It is important whenever you participate in pretend play with your child, that you avoid scaring him more. Even though you always know you are you, a toddler is capable of believing that you have actually transformed into a big scary dog. Watch your child's reactions closely when you are engaging in pretend play with him. You can also use puppets or stuffed animals to encourage "pretend play" which allows your child to work through his fear.
      Your child may also want to talk about dogs -- all the time. This, again, is his attempt to increase his understanding. Even though you may get tired of the subject, try to allow him to talk about it as much as he needs to. Remember that aside from giving information and trying to answer his questions, your job is mainly to listen and to help him explore his ideas.
. Respect your child's pace in dealing with his/her fear. Sometimes working through fear takes weeks or months for young children. The timetable is dependent upon your child's level of development as much as it is on your facilitation. It can be hard as a parent to "let it" go on so long. It is useful to remember that the lessons you are helping your child with during these weeks and months in overcoming his fear of dogs will be valuable life lessons for him. As you support him in getting more information, expressing his feelings, exploring his fear, and developing responses to scary situations, he is developing strategies and understanding about how fear works which will serve him for a lifetime.