"Helping Kids Deal With Death"

I have a three-year-old and a five-year-old. Recently, their favorite uncle died unexpectedly in an accident. I want to help them deal with this the best way possible. I explained to them that he died and that they won't be able to see him any more, but they keep asking me where he is. What should I tell them? Also, I have been very upset myself and have been crying in front of them. Is this all right?

-- Grieving dad in Schenectady

This must be a very difficult time for you. I'm glad you are also thinking about how it is for your children as well. Even though children think about death very differently than we do, they start to develop their initial perspective on death based on what they witness, what they're told, and how they're responded to when someone close to them dies.
      To gain insight into your children's experience of death, it's important to understand where they are developmentally. Kids under five don't have a fully developed sense of time or mortality. Therefore, the quality and permanence of death is hard for them to grasp. They may make statements like: "I know Grandpa is at the cemetery, but let's put a phone out there so we can call him." "When Uncle Lou is done being dead, I'm going to show him my new rock." "Let's take a helicopter up to heaven so we can visit Nana." "We could take our cat, Tiger, to the doctor so she can fix him up and he won't be dead anymore."
      Young children are also egocentric; their limited cognitive development and lack of experience lead them to view the world largely from their own perspective. Often, it will seem as if children care only about themselves, not the person who died. They may say things like: "Who will take me to the frog pond if Uncle Lou is dead?" It is normal and healthy for children to start thinking about the implications of the death in relationship to their own personal experience. As time passes, they will begin to understand death in a broader context.
      You may also be concerned about what appears to be a lack of emotional expression in your children. In the midst of adults crying, relatives arriving, and people making arrangements, your kids may be very insistent on finding lost Legos, jumping merrily on the couch or going to the park. This is because children live in the present. Even though they may be very upset by their uncle's death, they will probably still have many "normal" moments throughout their day. You'll find that your children's sadness or confusion may pop up at unpredictable times. It is not unusual for kids to "wait" until things calm down a little to have their breakdowns. And their upset may not look like adult grieving. It may take the form of acting out, tantrums or anger directed at you or other important adults in their lives.
      As much as you can, try to listen to the whole range of feelings that come up for your children. Through careful listening, you may be able to help them identify what it is they're actually feeling. If your daughter is getting mad at a lot of little things, you can ask her if she is feeling mad about anything else. After you finish listening to how frustrating it is when her peanut butter sandwich gets cut into four pieces instead of two, you can say, "I wonder if you are also feeling mad that Uncle Lou died." Or, "I wonder if you are also feeling sad about Uncle Lou." Being sensitive to all of the possible causes of their feelings will help your children find satisfying expression. (However, it's important to note that children have an array of specific things they have feelings about, so it is important not to "blame" all feelings on a recent death.)
      Here are some other things to keep in mind when dealing with death and young children:
. Speak to children about death in concrete terms. It is useful for children to get specific information about what happens physically to a person who dies: "Uncle Lou is dead. That means that he can't eat anymore, or see, or hear or walk or laugh or talk or move or feel anything." Although young children will still struggle to understand this, it can begin to make death comprehensible to them.
      It's also best to avoid euphemisms when talking to children about someone who has died. It's preferable to say, "Aunt Phyllis died," rather than "Aunt Phyllis passed away," or "Your cat, Tiger, has been put to sleep." Children are often confused by these kinds of euphemisms and can be afraid when we use phrases like "put to sleep," or "passed away." They might wonder if they will be able to wake up again after you "put them to sleep" at night.
. Share your spiritual beliefs with children. How you respond to children's questions will depend on your own beliefs about life and death. However, it's important to note that talk about heaven or other spiritual concepts will probably be met with very concrete thinking: "If his spirit is in heaven, then I'll just get a tall, tall ladder so I can go there to see him." Or, "If Uncle Lou is with baby Jesus, then I want to die so I can go and be with them both."
      It can be helpful to give children examples that they can relate to experientially: "Every time you think about Uncle Lou, his spirit is with you." Or, "When all the cousins are here, we can ask people to tell stories they remember about Uncle Lou. Each one of us holds stories, memories and feelings about Uncle Lou. Each of the people who knew and loved Uncle Lou carries a small part of him with us."
. Put the death in perspective. Children often struggle to come to terms with a particular "cause" of death. If someone gets killed in a car accident, for example, children may go through a period of being afraid to ride in a car. Because of their limited experience, children may see every car ride as an accident sure to happen. You can explain to them some of the realities of car accidents so they can understand their relative infrequence: "Sometimes, but not very often, when people are riding in a car, they get in an accident. Most car accidents only hurt people a little bit, like bruises or cuts that need bandages to heal. Many accidents only make a small dent in the car. It is not very often that people get seriously hurt or die in accidents.
      You can also let them know all the things you do to keep car accidents from happening. "We do lots of things to help keep us safe in the car. We wear seat belts, we obey the traffic laws and we stop the car if the driver needs a break or a rest."
. Help children deal with their fears of death. When someone close to the family dies, children may also begin to realize that their parents and they, themselves, are also mortal. Sometimes right away and sometimes a little later, children may begin to ask, "Are you going to die?" Or, "Am I going to die?" These may be difficult questions to answer, particularly in the midst of grieving a loved one. It is important to be reassuring to children, as well as honest: "Most people live a long time until they are very old. That is what I would like to do and I do lots of things to keep myself healthy, but people don't ever really know when they are going to die. I would like to live long enough to see you grow up and have a job or a family or whatever it is you're going to do when you grow up."
      Children may also need you to describe what will happen to them if something happens to you. If they ask about who will take care of them, you can tell them: "If I get very sick or die, Aunt Julia would take care of you and make you breakfast and give you hugs, but I plan on being around for a long time and taking care of you myself." You can answer their questions about their own mortality in a similar way.
. Expose children to adult grief in manageable doses. Children learn about death, not only from what you say about it, but also from what they witness around them. Watching the responses of the people around them gives children information about what death means in your family.
      Your question about adults crying in front of children is an important one. It is absolutely appropriate for children to see adults feeling sad. Witnessing grief is part of how kids understand that death is not just another everyday occurrence, but a significant event in their lives. Watching grown-ups express their grief is also a way for them to learn about the appropriate expression of feelings in your family.
      However, for both your own sake and the sake of your children, it is important that you have places where you can fully express your grief without having to simultaneously take care of kids or worry about the impact your feelings may be having on them. Friends, relatives, therapists, religious or spiritual guides, Hospice counselors or other safe, supportive people can listen to you and give you an outlet for your deepest, most wrenching feelings.
      Having times you can really "let it all out" can enable you to express feelings around your children that are more appropriate to their needs. In this more controlled situation, you may be able to talk to your children about the feelings they see you having: "I'm feeling really sad right now and missing Uncle Low. I'm crying now, but I'll feel better in a while."
. Talk about the person who died. It is important to talk to children about the person who died. This gives them permission to talk, too, as well as a model for sharing memories: "I'm remembering how Uncle Lou's special laugh could shake the whole house." "Do you remember that big fish we caught out on the lake with Grandpa? It took all three of us to reel it in." "If Grandma was here, she'd be the first one diving into that cold water." As you share stories about the person who died, children begin to learn that people live on in the hearts and memories of their friends and family.
. Expect children's responses to the death to evolve over time. Because children's cognitive and emotional development is in a state of evolution, their thoughts and feelings about death will change as they grow older. It's natural for children's feelings about someone's death to deepen over time.
      Children's grief is like a spiral that spreads upward and outward as the years go by; significant deaths are re-examined and felt anew with each turn of the spiral. Understanding this pattern can help you be compassionate and supportive when new levels of grief emerge.

For an annotated list of books for children and their caregivers about death, see Children Coping With Grief and Dying in our Resource Guide.