"Big Energy 4-Year-Old"

I have a "big energy" four-year-old and I need help figuring out what to do with him. I try to avoid labels, but sometimes words like "hyperactive" pop out. Donny can sit still and draw for hours, but other times, he's literally bouncing off the walls. He wants to make physical contact with us all the time: he rams into his brother and I, asks us to wrestle, and fills the air with karate chops. If we had a big yard, he'd probably be outside playing soccer all day, but we have a small yard on a busy street and it just doesn't meet his needs. So we're often stuck inside with Donny's big energy.
      One issue for me is that Donny reminds me of how I was as a kid. I got labeled and criticized all the time for the same kinds of behavior I see in Donny. Sometimes it's helpful that I can identify with his energy because I can be more patient with him. At times I can match his energy, but other times I fall into the more punitive techniques that were used with me. I really don't want to do that and I need help learning to respond to him more positively.

-- big energy mom with big energy kid in Rio del Mar

Your careful observation of your son combined with your own self-knowledge gives you a good starting point in figuring out ways to help your son and your family. There are several things to consider with "big energy" kids. Is his big energy a problem? If so, whom is it a problem for? Is it a problem for you? For his brother? For the rest of your family? Is it troubling to his peers? His caregivers? Or for Donny himself?
      Solutions will vary depending on who's having a problem with Donny's big energy. If adults are uncomfortable because Donny is too loud or active or busy for their tastes, here are some things you can do:
. Work with the environment. Big energy can be a phenomenon related to both development and temperament. Four-year olds need to move and some four-year olds need to move a whole lot more. This can be challenging if they live in families with quiet, reserved or less physical people.
      Often kids with a lot of energy just need places to work it off. As you've already observed, Donny needs ample access to open space and outdoor activities. He needs lots of opportunities for climbing, jumping, throwing, running, rolling and kicking. And as you've stated, this can be a challenge if you don't have a park in your backyard or if you don't have a backyard.
      Indoors, you can provide places for Donny to throw soft balls (or rolled-up pairs of socks) or use small, single-person trampolines. You can also set up couch pillows for obstacle courses and rolling/hiding spaces. And as you've already discovered, you can wrestle.
      Outdoors, when space is limited, you can draw obstacle courses with chalk on the sidewalk, encourage kids to play movement games or give children a series of "exercises" to perform (10 jumps, 3 twirls, 5 backwards steps, two minutes of running in place.)
. Think about your child's schedule. Donny needs ample time in a space where he can move freely and he also needs plenty of opportunity to choose his own activities. Both of these things help with his "overflowing energy." Look at his day and week and see how his time is balanced between riding in the car, participating in adult-directed activities, getting dressed, cleaning-up and activities that HE chooses. You should assess this balance both at home and in any childcare he is in.
. Work on balancing needs in the family. How do very noisy, active people live peacefully with calm and quiet people? Families come up with all kinds of creative solutions to work out this particular problem. There might be a room or time for more active play and a room or time for quieter play. There might be certain kinds of active play that fit better indoors with the family and other kinds that need to be saved for outside. Sometimes very active kids can get really absorbed in a complex or challenging building project. In your case, encouraging Donny's artistic expression will give him a ongoing place to channel some of his energy. But bear in mind that when high-energy kids complete a long period of concentration, they often need a big physical outlet.
. Talk to parents of other high energy kids. It's easy to believe that your kid is the only one who rams into you, never stops moving and bounces off the walls. But there are lots of parents of four-year-olds whose kids have energy similar to Donny. Finding these parents and talking to them can let you know you're not alone.
. Seek groups that are more comfortable with your child's style. Often parents of very active kids feel some criticism or discomfort from friends and family. Making a point to spend time with people who appreciate and enjoy your child's energy will reduce the stress on both of you.
. Reflect on your own experience as a child and your temperament now as an adult. Often our children's behavior triggers responses in us based on our own experiences as children. You mentioned that your son reminds you of yourself and that you alternately identify with/match his energy or fall into responding critically as you were treated. Your self-reflection here is a useful step in learning to distinguish which are his issues and which are yours. This will be helpful in determining how to best respond to your son.
. Set boundaries when necessary. "Big energy" kids are likely to regularly run into your "space," if not your body. You can let Donny know what's acceptable to you, appreciate his need for activity and redirect him to another outlet: "I don't like it when you keep bumping into me. It seems like you are full of bumping energy. Let's look around for something safe for you to bump into - like that bed over there. Or, if you still want to be with me, we could give each other a great, big bear hug."
      If Donny is the one who seems to be having problems with his "big energy," (can't seem to calm himself down, tends to get more and more frenetic, gets so wound up that he has a hard time listening to people, or can't sit still and focus on an activity for ten minutes [at four years old], here are some other things you can do:
. Use observation to gather information. Watch what circumstances and events seem to escalate Donny's energy and which things help him get calmer and more focused. By observing Donny, you can begin to predict, understand, plan for, and help him manage his behavior. The more you understand the sources of his big energy, the better equipped you will be to help him deal with it.
. Think about where your son is getting his information. Donny, like most contemporary children, has learned about the culture's fascination with "fighting." Whether from watching TV or from playing with kids who watch TV, children learn the culture's "acceptable" ways of being active and powerful. Karate chops are just one of the models that we give children. It is important to pay attention to the ideas of acceptable behavior Donny is assimilating through his exposure to media, and to provide alternative, more positive models of "big energy" outlets.
. Think about what he is trying to express or communicate. If it seems like your child's energy goes beyond normal developmental activity, it is important to consider what that energy represents. Children sometimes express fear or try to manage stress through "big energy." A child's rambunctiousness might come from short-term issues like a passing fear of dogs or stress about a family move. Or, in some cases, it might be triggered by more serious issues like trauma, neglect or abuse.
      When children's "big energy" comes from sources such as these, it is important to deal with the cause as well as with the behavior itself. Dealing with the cause involves making changes in your child's environment to alleviate or reduce the things that are stressful to him. In a situation where a child has had a traumatic experience, it is also important to provide on-going counseling or emotional support for the child.
. Help your son slow down and pay attention to his feelings. In responding to Donny's energy, you might try bringing him close to you and asking him if there is anything he wants to talk about. Or you could share with him that sometimes when you are upset, you feel like running around the room, but that it also helps you to cry about it.
. Big energy can be good energy. Although your son's high level of physical energy may be trying to you right now, it may become a wonderful asset for him later in his life. Physically-active, high energy adults can be successful, well-adjusted adults who make tremendous contributions to our world.
For an example of one mom's struggles with her high-energy boy, see "Ouch, Quit Hurting Me!" and "Teaching Peace."