"Nine-Year-Old Wants To Stay Home Alone"
My nine-year-old daughter, Tierra, wants to ride her bike to the store, walk home from school with a friend, and stay home alone when I go for groceries in the afternoon. I don't know how to decide if she's ready. I know I'm not.
-- concerned mother in Portland
It is wonderful that your daughter is so excited about "moving out" in the world and that she is eager to test her independence. It is a positive sign that she is feeling safe in her world and confident in her abilities. Now you face the unique challenge of helping Tierra test her independence while simultaneously keeping her safe.
Unfortunately, because children, families, and neighborhoods are so different, there is no one magic age at which a child can be given the freedoms your daughter is asking for. However, there are several things to think about as you make decisions about appropriate levels of freedom and responsibility for Tierra. There are also steps you can take to help her build the skills she will need to be successful and safe as she moves more independently into the world:
. Assess your child's skills. There are several signs of readiness you can look for as you assess whether Tierra is ready to take short walking trips on her own or capable of staying home alone for short periods of time. Ask yourself:
- Does she have a sense of time? Can she read a clock? Does she have an idea of how long 15 minutes, 30 minutes and an hour are?
- Does she remember to let you know where she is? Is she responsible in reporting her whereabouts to you?
- Does she know how to navigate through your neighborhood? Can she find her way to her friend's house two blocks away? Does she know which way to turn to get to school?
- What tasks is she able to do on her own? Can she make herself a snack? Does she know her way around the local store? Can she count money? Can she make a phone call on a public phone? Does she know her address and phone number?
- What is her ability to stay focused on a task? Does she get distracted easily and forget what she was doing? Or, does she have an ability to stay on task until her tasks are completed?
- Does she make good decisions? Is she able to resist peer pressure to change her mind? Can she say a strong "No!" when necessary? Does she trust herself enough to stick to her good decisions?
- When you are out together, does she make appropriate decisions about who to talk to?
. Think about your own fears. Your own fears can be useful to you in figuring out how to make safe decisions for your daughter, but they can also interfere with your ability to let Tierra grow.
It is difficult not to be fearful for our children in this world. There are scary stories in the newspapers about children being abducted and pictures of missing children arriving in the mail. There is a commonly-held belief that children aren't as safe as they were when we were kids.
It is important to know that the incidence of "stranger" kidnapping has not increased substantially, but that news coverage of it has. The incidence of non-custodial parent abduction has, however, increased. If you look carefully at the pictures of missing children and their alleged abductor, they often have the same last name.
Work with your own fears so that they are not overwhelming, and get accurate information about safety issues so that you can make careful and informed decisions for your daughter.
. Think about the surroundings. It is important to assess the environment your daughter will be venturing into. How safe is your neighborhood? Does she know people in the neighborhood that she could call on for help?
. Give her opportunities to "stretch her wings" in protected situations. There are many little forays into independence Tierra can take before you are ready to let her take a whole trip to the corner store by herself. She could make solo trips to the snack bar at Little League games. You could send her on grocery errands on another aisle while you are in the store together. She could look through the recipe book, choose something to make for dinner, write up a shopping list and pick out the items she needs at the store. She could put your credit card through the check-out machine, run into the corner store to get two apples while you wait in the car, or pump your gas. These protected ventures allow her to feel some beginning independence, and also give her a chance to practice some of the skills she will need when she is out on her own.
. Set up practice sessions. When you feel that Tierra is close to being ready, she can practice walking to the store "on her own" by having you stay 20 feet behind her. She could make the walk to the store with an older, trusted friend. You could leave her in the house on her own while you go outside to sort the recycling or run to the neighbor's house for a few minutes.
. Talk through potential problems. It is helpful to talk through possible difficulties with your daughter, both to assess her skills and to help her learn ways of taking care of herself. "What if you were at the store and you didn't have enough money?" "What if you were walking to the store and you got lost and didn't know where you were?" "What if you were home alone and your hamster got out of her cage?"
It is important not to scare your child with your "what if" conversations. You can tell her that these things are unlikely possibilities, but that being prepared is always a good idea.
This is also the time to give her some information about dealing with people she doesn't know. Until children start venturing out into the world on their own, unsupervised, we don't recommend a lot of talk about "dangerous strangers." The emotional and intellectual development that enables Tierra to be increasingly independent coincides with her ability to understand the complex information about how to navigate encounters with people she doesn't know.
A conversation with her could go something like this: "Now that you are going to try walking home from school by yourself, I want to talk to you about people you might meet. Most of the people in the world are friendly and safe. However, there are some people who have never learned to be safe with children and some who even hurt children. The confusing thing is that you can't always tell if a person is safe with children or not, just by looking at them or talking to them. So, it's important not to talk to people you don't know, unless they are the crossing guard or the store clerk. Even then, if you are talking to someone who you begin to feel uncomfortable with, or who is acting strangely, you can just leave."
There are other kinds of information and strategies you can offer to children as well. The important thing is to help children to feel somewhat cautious without feeling terrified.
. Talk to parents you trust who have children your daughter's age and slightly older. It's always helpful to talk through your concerns with other parents you respect. Getting input from other parents who are dealing with the same issues can help you come up with creative ways for your daughter to practice independence. Be careful, however, that you don't take someone else's advice if you don't feel comfortable or safe with their suggestions.
. Whenever possible, base your child's forays into independence on her readiness, rather than on your needs. It can be both challenging and expensive to find appropriate childcare for our children as they get older. Although it can be tempting to leave our children home alone as a solution to this problem, it is critical that you take this big step based on your daughter's readiness, rather than on a lack of appropriate childcare.
