"Playground Teasing"
My second-grader has been coming home complaining about getting teased on the playground and being excluded from games the other kids are playing. This is heart-breaking for me. I was teased mercilessly in elementary school because I had two left feet in sports. I know Ryan isn't necessarily having the same experience I had in school, but it is so painful for me to hear about what's happening to him that I'm not being very effective in helping him deal with it.
-- distraught Dad in Anchorage
As you know from your own experience, teasing is a common practice in elementary school (and beyond). There are many developmental and cultural reasons teasing occurs. Children in the middle years are exploring friendships: how to make friends, how many friends you can have at one time, whether it strengthens a friendship if you exclude other people, and what makes or breaks a friendship.
Elementary school-aged children are also exploring feelings and power. They are answering the questions, "How do people's feelings get hurt?" and "If I can be the first to exclude someone, will it prevent me from being excluded?" These are important questions that children are working on and they need adult support in figuring out how to answer them in ways that aren't hurtful to other people.
Here are some things you can do to support Ryan in this situation:
. Think about what you want your son to learn in this situation. While your initial reaction may be to just "stop the teasing," that is not usually possible. However, by thoughtfully approaching the situation and involving Ryan in the problem-solving, he may be able to learn some valuable life skills through this experience. Ryan can learn that teasing and excluding are not acceptable, that other people don't have the power to define who he is, that there are specific ways he can stand up for himself, and that he can get help stopping behavior that is hurtful to him.
With skilled facilitation, teasing and exclusionary play can give children an opportunity to learn compassion, justice, communication skills, advocacy for oneself and others, and team-building.
. Get support for your own feelings. Dealing with our children's social struggles often brings up two sets of feelings for parents. We are sad for our kids and we are reminded of our own unresolved wounds from our early years. Often, our protective feelings for our children, coupled with our old hurts, bring up urges to "beat up those bully kids."
Your insight about the fact that Ryan's predicament brings up feelings and memories connected to your own experiences will help you distinguish between what is really happening for Ryan and what is leftover from your own childhood. The more you explore and resolve your own feelings, the more clearly you will be able to help your son.
. Help your child understand the motivation of the other kids. Most of us take teasing personally. We think it is about us. It's important to tell kids that people tease because of their own fears and insecurities; that people often tease when they are feeling scared of not having friends.
Teasing can actually be a sign that someone wants to get to know another child better. We can help children understand that sometimes people tease when they are really interested in becoming friends, but they don't know a better way to get their attention.
. Offer your son coaching. You can talk to your son and ask him for his ideas about what is happening. Find out what he has tried to do and what ideas he has for solutions. One of the things that happens for children who are teased is that they begin to feel vulnerable and powerless. When you rush to Ryan's "rescue," you may alleviate his short-term suffering, but you may inadvertently perpetuate his victimized feelings. When instead, you respond to his dilemma by involving him as an active participant in the solution, you help him regain some of his lost sense of power.
Here are some possible techniques for you and your son to discuss:
- Observe. Encourage your son to observe groups of kids at school to see which ones seem to be the friendliest. It is important for him to know that not all kids tease and that he can make choices about which kids he wants to approach to play. You could also spend some time observing at school yourself to see what is happening.
- Invite friends over to play. You and your son can discuss which of the kids he is interested in might be most responsive to an invitation to come over and play. Often, making these kinds of safe connections one-on-one will build a child's confidence and pave the way for the kids playing together at school.
- Practice ways of asking kids if he join their play. Often kids don't know how to enter play. You can suggest some ideas and see if your son would like to try them out with you.
- Help your son develop his "game-playing" skills. If your child needs some practice at the games kids are playing on the playground, you could spend some time helping him develop those skills.
- Practice possible responses to teasing or excluding. You can talk with your son about different responses he could use. In some situations, it might be appropriate to tell kids, "Stop calling me that. My name is Matt." In other situations, with kids your son feels safe with, it could be useful for him to tell them, "I don't like it when you tease me. It hurts my feelings." Still, there are other situations where ignoring the teasing and walking away is the best response. Your son should also know that he can ask for help. Find out which adults are supervising children and make sure your son knows who they are, where they will be, and how he could ask them for help.
. Get a commitment from the school staff to stop hurtful comments. While it may seem that hurtful teasing only harms the child to whom it's directed, many hurtful comments are based on stereotypes that not only injure the immediate target, but also other members of the target group - whether it be children of a certain gender, size, race, class, family structure, or physical ability.
Bystanders, kids who witness teasing and don't see it interrupted, are also harmed. They often feel intimidated or scared, feel powerless to help, and sometimes come to believe the stereotypes that are being expressed.
The least obvious hurt happens to the teaser who is allowed to perpetuate stereotypes through taunting another child. This child is hurt because his behavior separates and isolates him from people who could ultimately be his allies.
As long as hurtful teasing and stereotypes are allowed to exist, no child can feel safe. Therefore, it is crucial that teachers and school administrators take a strong stand against teasing based on stereotypes of any kind.
. Advocate for conflict resolution training at your school. While there will always be some playful teasing and temporary excluding between children, it is important for the health and safety of all children that something be done to create a climate of respect and appreciation for diversity. You can work with the school administration and counselor to research and implement a conflict resolution training and/or anti-bias education program for teachers and students.
(For more on "exclusionary play" click here.)
