"Fingernail Polish For A 7-Year-Old??"

My 7-year daughter, Elizabeth, is a delight. She has lots of friends, she likes school and she loves to ice skate. Recently she has become fascinated with make-up. I don't wear a lot of make-up, so we don't have much around the house, but she is begging me to buy her fingernail polish. I think seven is way too young to start experimenting with make-up. I didn't think I'd have to deal with this until she was a teenager! I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than it is, so maybe I should just buy her some. But on the other hand, I don't want to start something that's going to get out of control. Any ideas?

-- worried she's growing up too fast in Milwaukee

Your daughter sounds like she is becoming more aware of the values that exist in her larger world, outside of her family. Developmentally, Elizabeth is right on target. She has figured out that she is a female and is now researching what the culture expects females to be and do. Her research includes looking at the girls and women she knows, and also watching how females are portrayed (or not portrayed) in the media. So, unless she lives in a cave somewhere, she has already learned that our culture places overwhelming importance on appearance, especially if you are female. She only needs to watch a couple of hours of television to figure out that there is something that needs to be fixed about her hair, her skin, her weight, and her clothes.
      As a young female who is excited about growing up and interested in her potential role as a woman, it is natural that Elizabeth would want to explore and experiment with what the culture says, "makes you a woman." She may even doubt that she will become a woman if she doesn't do all of the things she sees girls and women doing in magazines and on TV.
      The other part of Elizabeth is still a young child, who loves to dress-up, pretend, play, paint, and experiment. The combination of these two forces make nail polish a natural attraction.
      Because there are so many developmental factors involved, responding to Elizabeth's simple request for nail polish is a fairly complex endeavor. Ideally, you want to respond to her request in a way that honors her fascination with playing dress-up, as well as her desire to be grown-up. But at the same time, you don't want to perpetuate the myth that appearance is the most important thing about her or that she needs to alter her appearance to be successful. Nor do you want to suggest to her that there's any hurry to grow up.
      Here are some things you can do to respond to her request:
. Let her experiment in ways you feel comfortable with. Think about your comfort level and come up with ways Elizabeth could experiment that feel okay to you. For instance, you might consider having her try out nail polish at home, but not wear it in public. You might be comfortable with clear polish, but not magenta. It may be important to you that you don't spend your money on it, and if that's the case, you can let her know that she can buy it with her own money. You may also want to control the quantity of make-up Elizabeth has access to.
. Think about safety. Any experimentation with make-up, especially nail polish, needs to be closely supervised to ensure that it is used safely.
. Provide other opportunities for pretend play and body art. Much of Elizabeth's fascination with make-up has to do with pretending and with the joy of decorating her body. Remembering this, you can provide a variety of old clothes (all kinds -- not just fancy dresses) and interesting fabric for her to use for dress-up. You can also set up washable face paints and a low mirror so she can experiment with changing her appearance.
. Talk to her about your concerns. Elizabeth's request for nail polish gives you an important opportunity to help her sort out the confusing messages about gender that she is getting from the culture around her. While many of us may not have had practice articulating what we believe about these issues, our children are watching and listening to us for clues. Depending on your particular concerns, you might want to tell your daughter, "One of the problems with make-up is that sometimes when people are talking to someone who is wearing make-up, they are looking at the make-up instead of the person, herself." Or, "Some women believe that they aren't beautiful if they aren't wearing make-up, and that just isn't true." Even when our children sigh and say, "Oh, mom, you're just old-fashioned!" (stupid, annoying, embarrassing), they have nonetheless heard and taken in our point of view.
. Ask your daughter what she thinks. One of the things we sometimes forget to do is to find out what our children think about the things they are begging for. If we really listen to our kids, provide time for them to explore their opinions, and avoid bombarding them with our opinions, we may learn some important things about what they think - as well a give them a chance to explore their own thinking. An open-ended conversation with your daughter might start like this: