"Peer Pressure"
My ten-year-old daughter, Chelsea, and her best friend, Emma, have known each other since kindergarten. They've been close for all these years, but in the last few months Chelsea has gotten interested in a new group of popular girls, who have encouraged her to drop Emma as a friend. My sense is that Chelsea loves Emma and misses her, but feels she has to reject her in order to be part of the in-crowd. Chelsea has snubbed Emma in some very painful ways -- like not inviting her to her birthday party. When I tried to talk to her about it, she got very defensive, saying, "But she follows me everywhere. She copies me. Besides, she has other friends." Meanwhile, Emma is crushed. It's excruciating for me to watch this get played out. How can I intervene?
-- distressed mom in Boulder
Your daughter is in an important stage of her development. She is becoming a member of her community, the larger culture, and the world. Her sights are widening beyond her immediate family and familiar friends. And one of the things that Chelsea is doing is trying to read the cultural cues about friendship. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that believes there is limited love to go around.
The other factor at work here is that Chelsea and her friends are trying to understand and explore what friendship is about -- how it works, how long it lasts, how many people can be involved, and how much control friends can exert over each other.
Our children want to be successful in the world, they want to be liked and they want to be connected to the people who have "power." And often, the kids who look like they have the "power" are actually very insecure and therefore feel the need to exert control over kids who want to be their friends. This puts Chelsea in a difficult squeeze. She doesn't want to give up her lifelong friends, but she also wants to be connected to the people who are deemed important (AKA cool).
It is difficult to figure out how to talk to kids when they're going through this, but as parents, we can play an essential role in helping our children sort out these confusing social messages. We have much to teach our children about learning to be a true friend.
Here are some guidelines for talking with your daughter:
. Keep communication open. When we see our children behaving in hurtful ways, we are eager to nip it in the bud, to chastise them and to point out the error of their ways. While we have important values and ideas to share, the most important thing we can do is to keep communication open, to listen to our children's ideas. In most situations, our children have their own misgivings about what is going on. If we come on too strong, they won't be able to listen to their own questions, because they will be too busy defending themselves.
Open communication techniques include: sharing observations (non-judgmentally), active listening, asking for more information, offering information, empathizing with the other person's perspective and brainstorming mutual solutions. Techniques which shut down communication include: talking without listening, blaming, name-calling, belittling, empathizing with only one person's perspective, asking questions which aren't really questions. Here are some sample dialogues demonstrating each system.
Mom: I can't believe you aren't inviting Emma to your birthday party. She's your best friend. That's no way to treat friends.
Chelsea: I can invite whoever I want. It's my birthday party, after all.
Mom: I see you aren't inviting Emma to your birthday party. What's happening? (making an observation, asking for information.)
Chelsea: I don't have to invite her every year.
Mom: I'm wondering how you decided whom to invite. (asking for information)
Chelsea: Mom, I'm inviting my new friends and I don't want Emma tagging along.
Mom: Sounds like it's hard to include your new friends and your old friends together. (active listening, empathizing)
Chelsea: I like Emma. It's just that she isn't friends with Tina and Alana.
Mom: And you are really excited about your new friendship with Tina and Alana. (active listening)
Chelsea: Yeah, they're really cool.
Mom: It must be hard to feel like you have to give up your old friends to make new friends. (empathizing)
Chelsea: Yeah, I don't want to hurt Emma's feelings, but I don't always want to play with just her.
Mom: I can understand that you are wanting to make some new friends. I wonder if there is a way to celebrate your birthday that includes all of your friends.
Chelsea: Mom, I told you I am not inviting Emma.
Mom: Can you think of any other ways of including Emma?
Chelsea: She could come over at a different time.
Mom: Would you like to have a special celebration just with her?
Chelsea: Yeah, how about an overnight?
. Give information in small doses. There are things Chelsea doesn't yet know about friendship and what motivates people's behavior. Some of these are: 1) People who try to control their friends are feeling insecure and unsure of themselves. 2) You can still be a friend with someone, even if you don't do everything they tell you to do. 3) Friends often have different opinions about things. 4) Real friends care about your ideas, as well as their ideas. 5) You can be friends with as many people as you want. Adding new friends doesn't mean you like your old friends any less. 6) You can have friends who aren't friends with each other.
These ideas can be shared with Chelsea as the topics come up in conversation. There will be times when she will be more receptive and other times when she won't want to hear what you have to say. Chelsea probably has a strong drive to figure this out herself, so there may be times she will resist your ideas. Gradually give her information when she seems the most open. Remember, even if she protests and discounts what you're saying, a part of her is probably hearing your ideas.
. Share your beliefs about friendship. Your daughter has limited experience with friendship. When she was younger, she probably thought that she was friends with someone while she was playing with them and not friends when she wasn't playing with them (or when was mad at them). She has learned that friendships are more durable than that, but now she is being pressured to define friendship as exclusive and transitory, rather than inclusive and long-lasting.
Whenever you sense a window of opportunity, you can share with her your experiences with and values about friendship. You can tell her that there are different kinds of friendship; that some friends are lifelong friends and some are just around for a certain period of your life. You can also let her know that there are different friends for different activities: one friend she might like to play ball with and another who might be her special talking buddy. You might try asking her what is important to her in a friend and see if you can get her to talk about how her friends are different from each other.
It is also useful for Chelsea to know that we sometimes disagree with our friends or even dislike things about them, but that there are ways to work with those disagreements and problems. Chelsea also needs to know that friendships need to be maintained; that if she doesn't take good care of them, her friends might not be there for her when she needs them.
. Help your child stand up for her ideas. Once Chelsea understands the motivations of her friends and the social dynamics at play, she may be more willing to stand up for herself and all of her friends. You could practice or role play ways of doing this with her.
Here are some suggestions of things she could say to her new friends: "I really like you and want to be your friend, but I am still going to be friends with Emma." Or, "I can be friends with you and with Emma." Or, "It's okay for me to be friends with you and with Emma, even if you aren't friends with Emma."
. Explore different options. Chelsea's various sets of friends may not be comfortable all doing activities together. There are many ways to support varied friendships without including everyone every time a group activity is planned. With some creative brainstorming, you and Chelsea may be able to come with a variety of ways for her to maintain a diverse collection of friends.
. Model being a friend. One of the most significant ways children learn about friendship is through watching the adults around them. When Chelsea sees you maintaining a variety of friendships (including ones in which there are differences), working out problems, standing up for your ideas, and sticking up for people who are being treated unfairly, she will have a working model to inspire her as she struggles to learn about friendship.
