"Exasperating In-laws"

My in-laws are coming to visit soon, and while I know I should look forward to my kids spending time with their grandparents, it is really very stressful for me. It seems like they are always spoiling the kids with gifts and they are also quite critical of my parenting. Should I talk to them or just grin and bear it?

-- concerned mother in Spokane

It sounds like you really want to support the relationship between your children and their grandparents, but at times, it is difficult for you. While it can be important to allow grandparents to develop meaningful relationships with their grandchildren, it is important that it is not done at our expense.
   Grandparents are in an interesting position. They are often full of love and investment in the next generation, but they usually don't have much decision-making power or control. Grandparents sometimes feel threatened when they see their children making different decisions than they did as parents -- as if their children's new ways of parenting indicate criticism of the way they did things themselves.
   When grandparents are far away, they may feel like they finally have some space in their life to enjoy children and are frustrated that they don't get more time with them. Since their time with their grandchildren is so limited, they may feel that they need to pack it with "goodies," so they won't be forgotten in the interim.
   In this dance between the generations, parents are also in a vulnerable spot. They may feel unsure about new things they are trying with their children. And whenever we feel uncertain about what we're doing, even a "look" can make us feel criticized. Most of us, also, have some unresolved issues with our parents which are harder to ignore when the next generation comes along. We may also resent the fact that grandparents get to do all the fun stuff with our kids, while we are stuck with the day-to-day drudgery.
   If you feel your child's grandparents are "spoiling" your children or interacting with them in ways you're not comfortable with, here are some things you can do:
. Think about your bottom lines. As much as possible, allow grandparents to be themselves with their grandchildren. However, if there are safety issues, either emotional or physical, you need to step-in.
. Redirect grandparent's giving. There are many ways grandparents can indulge their need to "give" to their grandchildren without overbuying expensive toys. Most children love to get mail. Invite grandparents to send pictures, cards or letters that document family history. You can also ask them to make an audio tape to share with their grandchild. They could tell stories, read children's books out loud, sing favorite songs or simply talk to their grandchildren. This is a wonderful way to keep grandparents alive for a child who lives far away.
. Encourage children's reaching out. Select photos with your child to stick in an envelope to send to their grandparents. Make a simple book of photos to send. Ask your child if she would like to send one of her drawings to her grandparents. When you and your child are telling stories or talking about his day, ask if he would like you to write it down so you could send it to grandpa.
   When you feel criticized by your child's grandparents, it can be helpful to:
. Appreciate the impulse. Grandparent's criticism of you comes from their concern for the well-being of their grandchildren. Before you respond to the hurtful part of their comments, you could thank them for their caring: "I appreciate that you are concerned about Mario."
. Let them know you have heard their ideas. Sometimes grandparents are forceful in expressing their criticism because they don't expect to be heard. When Grandma criticizes the way you are introducing foods to the baby you can say, "Sounds like you are concerned about his nutrition."
. Find your common goal and share your belief. Often your differing ideas of how to do things are all aimed at the same outcome. When you do share the same goal, it is useful to let grandparents know it. Then you can explain your idea of how to achieve it: "I'm also very concerned about good nutrition and I've done a lot of thinking about it. I've come up with a plan that I can tell you about, if you would like."
. Let grandparents tell their story. Many of our parents haven't had a chance to talk about their experiences as parents. Often, they just need to be heard. They made their choices with very different information about children and in a very different time in history. We may be able to get some information about their struggles as parents if we encourage them to talk: "Tell me how you did it." "Did your friends do it the same way?" "How did you figure things out?" "Were there hard parts for you as a parent?" Once grandparents feel like their story has been heard and appreciated, they may be more open to different choices you are making now based on the information you now have available.
. Set limits when necessary. No one should be allowed to attack you as a parent. You can say, "This is a conversation we need to have another time," or "I can't allow you to talk to me like that," or "If you have something to say to me about my parenting, you need to tell me in a respectful way."