"Responding To Offensive Slang"

My six-year-old son, Kevin, was sitting in the car the other day and he dropped a book in his lap. He yelled out, "Oh, my dick!" I looked at him, a bit shocked, and he blushed in response, then blurted out, "I didn't mean to say that." I asked him where he learned that word, and he said, "School." I tried to articulate for him why I didn't really like the word "dick." That word has negative connotations for me and I didn't want Kevin to start using it. But I couldn't figure out how to tell him why without talking way over his head or making things worse. I'm sure this is only the beginning of Kevin bringing home embarrassing language. Can you give me some ideas about how to respond?

-- flustered in Fresno

It sounds like you have a sense of the issues involved here. At six, Kevin is beginning to look beyond his family into the world for information. This is a normal and useful learning strategy for him. Ultimately, even though his family provides him with a wonderful base of learning about himself and the world, there is more information that he will need that comes from outside his family.
      Kevin is beginning this voyage out into the "world" of information with an uncritical eye. He takes in almost everything he hears. Again, this is a useful strategy. If he were to try to presort useful and non-useful information at this age, he would miss a lot of things that are valuable for him to learn.
      The good news is that Kevin is bringing home the language and information he hears in the world. This gives you and your family a chance to respond to it. It provides you with the chance to let him know what you think about things, and also to give him more information about the words and concepts he is learning.
      The dilemma you are struggling with is an important one. Because of your negative connotations with the word "dick," you don't want him to start using it. However, you are aware that he is searching for powerful words and if you respond too strongly, it will give a particular word more power than it deserves. The other part of the dilemma is that you have a responsibility to give Kevin information which allows him to understand your problems with particular words, and that information may include adult issues and concepts that he is not ready for.
      Here are some guidelines and things to think about as you talk to your child about difficult words:
. Assess your child's developmental capacity to understand. Often children bring home language that refers to things which are beyond their experience or understanding. Your son's word, "dick," isn't beyond a six-year old's capability to understand, although some of your associations with it may be. It is important when responding that you think about what your child already knows and also what you think he is ready to understand.
. Strive to keep communication open. Because your son showed signs of embarrassment, it sounds like he had an idea that this word was not an acceptable one. It is important to give him an opportunity to talk about his feeling and ideas about "dicks." He probably has some confusion, and he may have some other feelings about it as well. He may have heard "dick" used to insult people or to make a joke. It may be confusing to him that people use body parts to insult each other. He may wonder if there is something wrong with or funny about penises, and he may be trying to figure out why there is so much power in talking about them. He may wonder if it is the particular word you use, like "dick," or the penis itself that is so important. He may wonder why the word has a different impact on different people.
      Asking open-ended questions and listening to Kevin's answers, without jumping in too quickly with your opinions, will allow him to share his thinking with you. It's important to remember that his experience with a particular word may be very different than yours. Drawing him out lets him share what he is thinking and also sets the stage for further open communication between you.
      Here are some sample questions you might ask: "How have the kids been using that word at school?" "How do you feel about it?" "What do you think is funny (hurtful, cool, embarrassing) about it?" "How do you think other people feel about it?" "Are there other words kids use?" "Why do you think they do it?" "How did you respond?" "How could you respond the next time?"
. Share your personal response to the word as well as the larger world view. Our children are members of our families and they are also members of the larger world. If we just give them "our family's" opinion, we don't help them learn or understand how the outside world operates. Also, when we offer our opinion as "one way" of looking at things, rather than the "only way," it affords our children some space for developing their own opinions.
      Here are some sample statements which share your perspective, as well as some information about the larger world: "I know that lots of people use that word, but when I hear it, it sounds hurtful to me." "I know that a lot of kids use that word and some families think it is okay or funny, but, I don't like that word. When I hear it I think of people calling each other hurtful names." "Many people are embarrassed about penises and vulvas. One of the ways they deal with their embarrassment it to make fun and tease about them."
      It is also important to give your son an idea of what might happen when he uses the word in certain social situations. "Even though some people think 'dick,' is okay, many people find it embarrassing or hurtful. Some people may get mad at you when they hear you say that word."
. Discuss alternatives. Your son will want to know what words are acceptable in your family (even though he may continue to test the ones that aren't). It is important that you discuss acceptable slang words for body parts, as well as the "correct" words. You can also let your son know the acceptable context for using certain words. If he is fascinated with certain phrases or words, it may be difficult to get him to stop using them altogether, but you could set-up parameters for when, where and with whom particular language can be used. Your son also needs to know appropriate language to use when you he is frustrated or upset, as many words with sexual connotations are often used to express those feelings.
. Discuss peer issues. One of the trickiest and most important issues here is how your son relates to his friends around this language. Children explore cultural taboos as a way of demonstrating independence, growing up, and aligning with their peer group. There is often a certain amount of external and internal pressure to do this. The external pressure comes from friends teasing, taunting, threatening, and daring. The internal pressure comes from wanting to be like other kids, wanting to be accepted, wanting to try new ideas out. The more you can understand these pressures and help your son come to terms with them, the more he will be able to make conscious decisions about exactly which behavior he wants - and doesn't want -- to emulate.

(For more on helping kids deal with peer pressure, see "Peer Pressure")