My husband and I can't seem to agree on chores. We have a six-year-old and an 8 Year-Old. My husband thinks that you're only young once and that we shouldn't burden our kids with jobs around the house. I think that it is never too early to start good habits and that kids have a lot to learn about responsibility by pitching in to help the family. What do you think about kids doing chores?
-- at odds in Eureka
You and your husband are both making valuable points. It is important that children aren't so burdened down with responsibilities to the family that they miss out on their childhood. There was a time when families depended on their children's labor to survive and many children worked long days on the farm, in factories or taking care of younger kids. Fortunately, we are living in a time when most children have time for play, school and other non-work activities. So we are faced with the question, "What is an appropriate level of work for children to do in their families?"
Let's look at what children learn through doing chores. As well as learning responsibility, children also learn important work skills. Having a chance to have instruction, practice and supervision allows children to gain a multitude of skills necessary for maintaining self, family and home. In addition to the physical skills that children can learn, there is an important sense of competence and accomplishment that children earn when they feel like contributing members of the family. Including children in the real work of the family also affords parents the opportunity to teach and model values about work. Finding a balance of appropriate, but not overwhelming, work for our children also teaches them to have a healthy relationship to work and play.
When you're thinking about chores for your kids, consider the following:
. Think about what you want to teach. This is an important question, because we are teaching a perspective on work through the way we orchestrate and handle children's chores. As we begin to think about including our children in the work around the house, we can ask ourselves some questions:
- How do I want my children to feel about work in their lives?
- Do I want them to work because of a sense of responsibility and obligation?
- Do I want them to learn that work can be enjoyable and satisfying?
- What do I want them to do if they get stuck or don't know how to do something?
- Do I want them to learn to work alone?
- Do I want them to learn to work with other people?
- Do I want my children to remember to do their chores without having to be reminded?
- Do I want my kids to eventually notice tasks that need to be done on their own?
If you want your child to experience the satisfaction of a job well done, it might be useful for you to think about the times you experience a feeling of accomplishment in your own work. What elements made your work successful for you? Was there choice involved? Were you mastering a new skill? Did you have the right tool? The right support? Were you working with others? Were you doing work that was helpful to others? Did it matter if you were acknowledged for your work? Identifying what makes work feel successful to you may give you some clues to setting up your child for a similar experience.
. Think about your children's capabilities. Taking into consideration your child's age, development, personality and experience, you can come up with some appropriate chores for her/him. Children in the early elementary school years can do things like picking up (toys, newspapers, dirty clothes), washing (counter tops, fruits and vegetables, some dishes), sweeping, making beds, feeding pets, sorting and folding clothes. Older elementary school kids can plan and cook a meal every week, hem their own pants, or grow a small plot of vegetables.
When coming up with the right number of jobs for your child, it is useful to remember that she already has a number of tasks that she is responsible for-brushing her teeth and hair, dressing herself, going to school. One family structured chores in such a way that each child did a chore for himself and one for the family each day. A six-year-old might make his bed and fold all of the socks in the laundry. An 8 Year-Old might make her own snack after school and clean all of the sinks in the house. A ten-year old might wash his own baseball uniform and make sandwiches for everyone's school lunch. A twelve-year old could clean and organize her whole room and mow the lawn.
. Encourage your child's initiative. Most of us have had the satisfaction of doing work that we thought of ourselves. Children love to be initiators in all aspects of their lives, including their work lives. Being open to children's suggestions, offering them choices and inviting them to come up with work that they think needs to be done will help them be more interested and invested in their projects. Sometimes it helps us get out of a stalemate if we offer a child a choice of activities: "I see you're having a hard time picking up your toys today. If you would like some help with that job, I could trade jobs with you. I can put your toys away and you can sort the recycling. Which job would you prefer?"
. Set kids up for success. If we want our children to have a sense of accomplishment, to feel like competent workers, it is important to design jobs that they will be able to achieve successfully. This may take some trial and error. It may also take some assistance and instruction from us. As well as teaching specific skills for a chore, children may need our help in figuring out how to organize a task.
One parent described helping her daughter learn to feed the cat: "I showed Jennifer where the cat food was and how to use the can opener, but then she tried to open the can in mid-air while she was standing above the cat's dish. I needed to help her figure out where to set the can down while she was opening it, and where to put the cat's bowl when filling it. Then we came up with a system for her to remember to feed the cat. She decided to do it every morning before she brushed her teeth. "
. Expect some struggle. Often when children are learning something new there is always some struggle, discouragement and frustration. Even when chores are well within children's capabilities, kids often resist doing them. Doing repetitive, activities that aren't spontaneous is hard for kids. Providing support, encouragement, humor, problem-solving and follow-through can help children through their struggles and enable them to achieve success.
. Remind, rather than nag. When it comes to chores, most children need reminding. This can get frustrating for everyone involved and can lead to nagging, talking at children, repeating yourself and finally, escalating in intensity as children continue to ignore you. Reminding should be no more than a couple of statements when you have your child's full attention. Once you've made eye contact, simply say, "Have you remembered that tonight's garbage night?" or "Have you had a chance to make your bed yet this morning?" If you want to try humor, you might try, "Is there anything I need to nag you about this evening?" (For suggestions about what to do when reminding doesn't work, see, "Think about follow through and consequence" below.)
. Help children set up their own system for remembering. Children usually have a stronger sense of ownership in a project when they remember it themselves than when they are reminded, asked or nagged to do something. You can help your child come up with a system to remind herself. Some people have used charts that the child checks everyday. Using a big calendar, your child can write or draw the things she needs to do (brush teeth, put away the silverware, pack backpack for school, feed hamsters). When she has completed them, she can check, color or put on a sticker to mark her accomplishment.
. Help children break tasks down into smaller parts. Most of us have had the experience of watching a child be unable to clean up a mound of toys that he happily took out over the course of the evening. Often, kids can't actually envision the steps necessary for dismantling the mound. They need coaching and support: "Would you like to put away the trucks or the stuffed animals?" "How about if you pick up the toys and hand them to me and I'll put them on the shelf?"
. Expect it to take longer. Because children are beginners, having them help you with chores usually takes longer and sometimes creates a bigger mess. We persist, however, because it is a worthwhile learning opportunity that reaps benefits in the long run. Sometimes a shift in perspective helps. If we think about doing chores with children as spending special time together learning and teaching, rather than as a means to getting more work done quicker, then we may be less frustrated and feel more satisfied with the activity.
. Think about follow-through and consequences. Children don't always do their chores. How can we respond in a way that supports them in feeling capable and also makes it clear that chores are an expected part of their participation in our family? One way is to use observation and discussion with your child to figure out what got in the way of her work. Often, if we focus on problem solving, rather than nagging or punishment, we can help our children accomplish their chores. Here's how a sample dialogue might go. In this instance, ten year old Jennifer has forgotten to unload the dishwasher: Another way to help children compete their chores is through the use of consequences. Sometimes they are naturally related to what you have or haven't done: your 8 Year-Old leaves her stuffed doll outside overnight and it gets all soggy. Other times, parents need to create and implement consequences that are tied to the completion of the activity: "If you don't get the dishwasher unloaded before the dirty dishes start piling up, then you'll need to load it after you unload it."
Some families tie allowance to chores and withhold the child's allowance until they complete their chores. Other's keep allowance and chores separate. The important point is that children understand that chores are an essential part of their participation in family.
Whatever consequence you chose to use, it is important to remember to problem-solve with children about how they can get their chores done. Consequences serve to remind children that their behavior needs to change, but problem-solving helps them figure out how to do it.
For a related question on allowances, click here.
