"12-Year-Old Doesn't Want To Participate In Family Activities"

My twelve-year-old son has recently started resisting family activities. He doesn't want to go to church with us on Sundays. He didn't want to join us for the movies the other night and he is saying that he doesn't want to go on our family vacation to visit relatives in Florida, and instead that he wants to stay with his best friend's family. What should we do?

-- unsure what to do in St. Paul

It sounds like your son is making a push for independence. Parents often have mixed feelings about these stages in children's development. On the one hand, we are pleased to see our children growing and trying new ways of being and on the other, we often feel a sense of loss, and sometimes, even rejection. For your son, there may be two possible things going on. One is that he wants to spend less time with the family while he is working to figure out who he is in the world. The other issue is that he may have different needs now, and one of those needs might be to be more involved in choosing his own activities and the activities that the family does together. Here are some things to think about as you figure out appropriate ways to respond:
. Talk to your son. Your son is going through some changes that even he doesn't fully understand. If you talk to him and listen to him, you may be able to figure out together what he's feeling. At this point, dialogue should focus on encouraging him to express his ideas rather than on your concerns about him not spending time with the family.
. Meet him where he is. Spending time with your son might look different now than it did when he was younger. It may be that he is doing a sport or another activity that is taking up a lot of his time. If you go to his practices or his games, take pictures and talk to him about it afterwards so you can spend some valuable time with him sharing the things he is interested in. Staying current with his interests and activities will go along way in helping you stay connected.
. Ask for his input. Ask your son if he has some ideas of things he would like to do with the family. Think about the kinds of activities that he has especially enjoyed recently. You can include him in looking at the map for interesting vacation spots or for sending away for travel brochures. Let him know that the thing that is the most important to you is that the family spends some time together and that you are open to his ideas about how that could happen. You can ask him to take into consideration what other people in the family might like, as well as what interests him.
. Let him know what the budget is. A fun family activity doesn't have to be expensive. Let you son know how much money is available when he is coming up with ideas and show him how to plan a budget for a trip. You can also check out books which have ideas for inexpensive family vacations.
. Plan activities that include things he likes to do. Often you can plan family outings which have a variety of activities available-something for everyone. On a family camping trip, he might like a special overnight backpacking trip. Or it might be a treat for him to get some special fishing gear or rent kayaks for an outing on the river. Or, after church, the family could plan to go bowling.
. Negotiate. It may be that your son wants to spend more time with his friends. You can work out a plan where he gets ample time with his friends every week, as well as some time with the family. You may not be able to have as much of his time as when he was younger, but if you plan for it, it can be satisfying for everyone.
. Bring a friend. You can often meet both your child's needs and the family's needs by including one of his friends on your family outings. Choose a friend that you both like and who fits in well with your family. You could do some short practice outings around town to see how it works before you sign up for a week-long vacation together. It can also be useful to go over "family rules" and expectations together at the beginning of your trip. Things like how often kids need to check in, what kinds of things they need to ask permission to do, and plans for the trip are useful to talk about beforehand.
. Focus on being together, rather than on "doing things." Often we spend lots of family time together, but because we are so busy involved in entertainment like movies, video arcades, and family fun centers, we don't really get to talk or enjoy one another. Think about family games you can do at home like charades, Pictionary, cards, Password, or scavenger hunts. Plan a special dinner and have everyone take part in the food preparation. Take on a family project in the community like volunteering to work on the new baseball diamond, or delivering meals to the elderly.
. Think about letting go. In our relationship with our children, there are many times we are called upon to let go. This is usually a bittersweet experience for most parents. We are pleased that our children are growing, becoming independent, taking more responsibility, and branching out. Simultaneously, we may feel sad that they are not dependent on us in the ways they have been in the past.
      When we realize we are at one of these turning points, we can step back and take stock of our relationship. Are there new ways we can relate with our children? Now that they are older, are there new things we can share with them that we haven't shared before? If so, what are they? Are there aspects of our relationship which are passing that we should take time to acknowledge? Some people find it useful to use journals to work through their feelings and/or to record the changes that are occurring with their children.
      When we take the time to think about the changes we are going through in relationship to our children, we make room to acknowledge our feelings and make space for something new. As parents, our relationship with our children is always evolving. Allowing change to occur is part of what will keep us current in our children's lives.
. Be available for opportunities for closeness as they arise. As our kids get older, it's easy for busy lives to get in the way of connecting with them. Often, as children edge toward adolescence, making ourselves available on an ongoing basis is the best way to guarantee closeness. Kids don't always want to connect on our timeline or while doing the activities we initiate. Often, it is in those moments where you're just sitting reading the newspaper or working at the computer or in the garden, that your child will see an opportunity, come up and start a conversation. In these moments, if you can drop what you're doing and make yourself available you may catch an opportunity that would otherwise be lost.
. Keep reaching out to your child. Even though it can be discouraging when our kids resist spending time with us, it is important that we don't stop trying. They need us during this time more than ever. The ways we connect may change, but it is essential that we stay available. Children also still need our physical touch during these years, although they often need to dictate the time and place. Continue to provide hugs, foot or shoulder rubs, any kind of touch they will allow.