"Unhappy 11-Year-Old Full Of Complaints"

My 11-year old daughter, Elena, gets into episodes of heavy complaining: "Sean has more privileges than I do!" "You never buy me anything!" "The sandwich you made me has too much mayonnaise!" She is rude and demanding and it seems like she is always in my face.
     I really don't get it. With her friends, Elena is caring and empathetic, but with me she is often unreasonable and self-centered. She is really a lucky kid. We have enough resources that I often buy her several of the things she asks for. I even spend more time with her than I do with her older brother, because she is home more than he is. So how is it that I get all of this complaining? And what can I do to help her be a happier person?

--frustrated mother of a preadolescent girl

At eleven, many things are happening with your daughter. She is on the verge, if not already beginning puberty, which means her body may be changing in ways she can't fully understand yet. She may also be experiencing new levels of hormones which affect her feelings and mood. At eleven, she is probably feeling conflicting pushes and pulls about her relationship with you. She wants you to take care of her and do everything for her. At the same time, she wants to do everything for herself and make all of her own decisions.
      Many eleven-year olds are extremely competent in many areas, doing most of their own self-care, participating successfully in sports or other activities and managing much of their own schoolwork. Ironically, at the same time, they might be whiny, complaining, tearful, uppity and angry. This has to more with their own conflicting feelings than it does with the circumstances or people outside of them. However, they are likely to try to find things and people to "blame" it on, and you being closest, are a likely target.
      Here are some things to think about in responding to your daughter's complaints:
. Don't take it personally. It may not be about you. Even though Elena has clearly defined your behavior as the problem, it is likely that most of her unhappiness is confusion about what is happening to her physically, socially, and emotionally. One mother described a revelation she had about her daughter: "One day while Lorene was going on and on about me not loving her and about nobody loving her, I finally understood what was going on. I was still the same mother she had adored just a week ago. It was her feelings about herself that had changed. She'd had a challenging day swimming and she hadn't been able to do what the rest of the kids were doing. That evening, she transferred her frustration into feelings of being unlovable. Her tirade at me wasn't about whether I loved her or not. It was about her own pain."
      Not taking such tirades personally is challenging for most of us. Our children's attacks often hit the spots where we are the most vulnerable: "She's probably right. I'm not spending enough time with her. Maybe I should have stayed home with her instead of going to her brother's baseball game." Separating out your own guilt from her accusations will help you respond to her more appropriately.
. Listen. Although you shouldn't take your daughter's attacks personally, you should take them seriously. One way to do this is by listening. When our kids are targeting us, however, it can be hard to listen. It's much easier to get mad or defensive right back at them.
      While it is important to share your feelings about the way you are being talked to, it is also essential that you take some time to really listen to what your daughter is trying to tell you. The interesting thing is that she may not know herself what she is really trying to say and may need your help and support in trying to figure it out.
      Examples of listening responses are: "It sounds like you are feeling disappointed about not being able to do some of the things your brother does." Or, "It must be disappointing to want things and not to be able to get them." Or, "You sound really upset about that sandwich."
      Non-listening responses include: "I can't believe you said that about your brother. I spend way more time with you than I do with him." Or, "Buy you more things?! You have enough junk in this room for ten kids!" Or, "First I made you a sandwich and then you won't eat it. Fine! I'll never bother to make you any food again."
      When you let your daughter know that you really want to listen to her, she may feel safe enough to open up about her deeper feelings.
. Avoid defensiveness. As much as we want to defend ourselves when we are being attacked, we can't convince someone who is feeling miserable (and looking for a target) that she is wrong about us. You can't prove to Elena that things are really fair between her and her brother when she's feeling they're not. You can't convince her that she has enough toys because "toys" are not really what she is feeling bad about.
      If you look at the places where you start feeling defensive, you may get some clues about the things you are feeling guilty about. Rather than using guilt to make yourself feel bad, you can use it to help yourself make an honest assessment of your parenting: "I wonder if I am spending enough time with her?" Or, "Are there ways we could get some more time together?"
. Let her know how you feel. As well as listening supportively to your daughter, it is also essential that you provide her with some feedback about how people feel when they are being "attacked." This kind of honest response lets her know that she needs to find more effective ways to communicate her frustration. Without this kind of intimate feedback from her family, she may inadvertently alienate others who are close to her.
      In giving her this kind of information, it is useful to model the very communication skills you are hoping she will learn: "I know you are feeling really upset, but when you talk to me that way it hurts my feelings and makes it hard for me to listen to you." Or, "I know you are really disappointed about your sandwich, but when you yell at me about it, I feel discouraged about making you more food."
. Ask questions so you can get more information. When children are making what seem like unreasonable demands, the last thing on our minds is asking them what else they want from us. However, nothing lets kids know more clearly that we want to listen than our attention and our willingness to ask questions. If you ask questions that are open-ended and really focused on finding out what your child believes, you may get some interesting results:

1. How did you feel right before you started complaining? What thoughts were going through your mind? What was happening in your body? How were you feeling about yourself?
2. What else do you think you might have been feeling bad about?
3. Is there any kinds of pattern to the times you feel this way? Is it in the afternoon before dinner? On Thursday after your dance class? Right before you get your period?
4. What helps you feel better?