I have an 8 Year-Old daughter who lives in a pig sty. Her room always looks like a tornado hit it. It is amazing that she can find anything in it. When I go in and clean it up, she is always glad that it is neat, but she won't keep it neat herself. She won't clean it up herself, no matter how many times I remind her. I can't figure out if I should make her keep it clean or just let her live in it the way it is. If I decide that she should keep it clean, how can I enforce it?
-- tired of the mess in Memphis
You're asking some important questions that many parents face. The first is: "Who gets to decide how my daughter's room should look? Is it her private property over which she should have total jurisdiction? Or is it a part of our family space that everyone has some interest in?" The second question is, "How can I help another person gain the interest in and ability to keep her room neat?"
There are two other questions which I think might be useful to consider when thinking about kids' rooms: "What do I want to teach my daughter about personal and shared property?" and "What skills can she learn here about organization, maintenance and neatness?"
In each family there are beliefs and practices about space. In many families around the world, there is no such thing as personal or private space. All living space is all shared and the number of things the family owns precludes the possibility of clutter. On the other end of the continuum are families in which everyone has their own bathroom, computer, television and bedroom with a lock on the door. We bring our "rules" about space from our own experiences in our own families. Sometimes we don't even know what our rules are until we meet someone else with different ones.
Figuring out a response to your daughter's messy room will depend on what you believe about personal and shared space. Some parents who have a strong belief in personal space will just "shut the door" and wait for their child to figure out what they want to do with their bedrooms.
Most parents want to have some say in the condition of their children's rooms because they can't stand having to go into the "tornado" to spend time with their child (or to find something), and also because they want to teach their child something about neatness. Here are some tools for those parents to use:
. Work with your child to create a system of organization. Most children don't automatically know how to set up a system that will help them keep things organized. Using labeled shelves, drawers or clear bins will help your child be able to find things and recognize the places where they should be put away. Keeping containers small with the same kinds of things inside, rather than large and mixed, like toy chests, will help both in finding things and putting them away. The more participation your child has in creating the "system," the more invested she will be in maintaining it. You might want to go to the store with her to pick out some plastic bins or drawers. You could get some colored tape for her to label her shelves or drawers. Invite her ideas in thinking about the best ways to store her things.
. Minimize the amount of stuff. One of the things that happens with kids' rooms is that they accumulate belongings over the years. If we don't periodically go through their things and get rid of some of them, an unwieldy amount accrues and no one would be able to keep it orderly. Decisions about what goes and what stays are most instructive to your child if you make them together. However, some children have a hard time relinquishing any of their belongings and parents find it more effective to go through their children's rooms themselves. If you do this, it is useful to hold the "give-away" pile in boxes in the garage for a few months to see if your child asks for anything in it.
In some families, it works to do this kind of clearing out with your child as a precursor to getting something new. Just before going clothes shopping, you can go through the drawers and bag up the things your child has outgrown. Just before going toy shopping, you can go through and fill a box with things that aren't being played with anymore. (Again, it may be useful to hold on to them for a few months to be sure that she is really done with them.)
. Model. One of the strongest teachers we have is what we do. Aside from individual temperament (some children are naturally orderly, and some are not), the environment the child lives in teaches her the most about how space should be arranged and maintained.
. Work with your child. Young children, while energetic in the creation of messes, are often unable to conceive of how they should be cleaned up. Remember that her room got that way, one item at a time, but when she considers cleaning it up, what she sees is a huge, unwieldy heap of things. Helping her figure out how to attack the mess will teach her the tools she'll need to eventually do it herself: "Wow, this is a huge pile. Where should we start? How about if you find all the dirty clothes to put in the basket and I'll collect all the dirty dishes. After that, we can figure out what to pick up next."
. Figure out a workable schedule. How often clean-up happens depends on your own family's cycle. In some families, maintenance happens continuously. In others, there are weekly or monthly cycles. You can help your daughter come up with a system which meets her needs as well as fitting in with the family cycle.
. Take into consideration child's age and experience. The younger your child is, the more help she will need in approaching the clean up of her room. Even older children who haven't had lots of experience doing it themselves will need quite a bit of support. Offer as much help as is needed to get the task done and to give your child a feeling of accomplishment. If your daughter sits by and watches you do it, she isn't going to be able to take ownership of the success. On the other hand, if she can't get enough momentum going on their own, she won't be able to achieve success either.
. Capitalize on her natural motivation. Sometimes children will get an urge to move furniture, redecorate or find something. This is a time when you can work with them on straightening up as a means to an end.
It seems that your daughter does enjoy it when her room is neat. You could talk to her to see if together you could come up with a system she could use to maintain it. She may not even know how she could keep it neat.
Other times, the natural consequences of not being able to find things can be the motivation to encourage children to pick up. Again, it is important that you are there to facilitate. Children may very much want their room neat, but not do anything about it because they can't figure out where to start.
If your daughter doesn't seem at all interested in having her room neat and it is still very important to you, you may need to develop a system of outside motivators. This could be a sticker chart, a special activity or an outing which takes place only after her room is cleaned. Some families hold off on the next planned activity until everyone takes part in a big family clean-up. Positive motivators are better than negative ones, and while internal motivation is always preferable, sometimes "rewards" can get a child over the hump to the place where she can eventually enjoy the benefits of an orderly room.
. Support her in "decorating." The more your daughter's room becomes "hers," the more invested she will be in maintaining it. She might want to choose some posters to put up (and also decide where they should go.) She might enjoy putting up a new shelf to display her cars or stuffed animals. Choosing a new color of paint (and helping to paint) could also help her define it as "her space."
. Focus on the process as much as the product. At first, it may take longer to include your daughter in the clean-up process. It is more important that she practices and learns how to clean up, than it is that a particular clean-up session happens quickly. When you find yourself thinking, "I could do it faster by myself," remember that you are helping her build skills that will last her a lifetime.
