"2-Year-Old Grabs All the Toys"

My two-and-a-half-year old delights in grabbing toys away from her friends. Every time we get together with other kids, it is the first thing she does. She grabs the toy away, and then just stands there watching as the other child cries. Even if she already has something in her hands to play with, she still tries to take away whatever anyone else has. I feel embarrassed by her behavior and I'm worried none of the other parents will want their kids to play with us. I'm at my wit's end over this and I don't know what to do.

-- humiliated mom from Tulsa

While it seems that your daughter is very interested in toys, in fact, she is interested in other children. The behavior that you describe looks "anti-social," but is really very social behavior. You daughter has several possible purposes.
    She may be trying to get an "interaction" going with another child. She doesn't yet know how to go up to someone and invite them to play or to quietly join in beside them picking up another toy. She wants to get a big reaction out of her friend, because that is how she is sure they are interacting.
    She is also at an age where kids love to make things happen, and she is beginning to figure out that she can get a fairly predictable response by grabbing a toy out of someone's hands.
    Young toddlers are also interested in how feelings work. When she takes another child's toy, often that child will cry or scream. By doing this repeatedly (and to each person in the group) your daughter is learning what those particular feelings look like. She is learning that all people have feelings, that certain events trigger those feelings, that those feelings are important and worthy of adult attention. She is also discovering that certain actions can make those feelings go away.
    She hasn't, however, developed a full sense of empathy. She is still seeing the world from her own "egocentric" perspective, believing that everyone feels the same way she does. That is why she can continue to show such delight in the face of her friend's tearful response. As you watch, you may see her observing her friends with a more serious face, as she begins to understand that the other person may be feeling unhappy.
    Once you understand some of the issues she is trying to work on, you can develop ways to support her exploration, keep the other children safe, and avoid possible rejection from the group.
. Set the stage for success. There are some environments that are more conducive to successful play than others. At certain times in children's development, it may be very difficult to play at someone's house. There are too many territorial issues about "my toys." More neutral territory like the park, the woods, or the beach -- where there are fewer toys, and more open space, can help children find easier ways to interact.
. Help your child see the results of her actions. When your child takes a toy, gently help her stay close so that she can see what is happening with the other child: "Jessica, I want you to stay with me for a minute so that we can see how Tory is doing." You can use "sportscasting" to describe to children what you see and "active listening" to give names to the feelings and desires that are taking place: "Tory had the block and then you came over and took it. Now, Tory is crying. I think he still wants the block."
. Help both children learn from the interaction. While we are often tempted to grab the block back from the "aggressor," this teaches that if you are bigger, you can grab. It also doesn't allow the child to learn about the feelings of another person, which she needs to know to learn empathy. Sometimes it can be appropriate to help a child hold on to a toy that another child is reaching for, but there is also a lot both children can learn from being supported in working through the interaction themselves. The child who is getting the block taken away can learn to stand up for himself, to hold on tight, to express his feelings. You can encourage him, by saying: "You can hold on tight." "You look sad, you can tell her that you still want it." The child who is trying to take the block away can learn to listen to another person's feelings and to start seeing the world through someone else's eyes.
. Talk with the other parents. There are often a lot of unspoken feelings between parents in this situation. Parents whose children are not grabbing toys may feel afraid for their children or think there's something "wrong" with the child who is grabbing. Parents of children who are grabbing may feel criticized, afraid or excluded. It is important for parents to get information which will help them understand that the majority of these difficult toddler behaviors are normal and healthy. And it is important for parents to talk about their feelings and to make a plan so that they can support each other and their children as well. Some playgroups have an agreement that when a conflict arises between children, that a parent who is not related to either child will facilitate the conflict.
. Diversify your child's play environments. As well as working through the conflicts that come up in this playgroup, it is also useful to find playmates for your daughter where interactions are easier. Sometimes, a friendly, flexible child who is a few years older can provide a welcome relief for a toddler. Also, if you can find relaxed parents who have a similar parenting philosophy, they can provide you with some perspective and reassurance about your child as she grows and develops the skills which are going to help her be the successful social person she wants to be.
    For more on sportscasting and active listening, and other techniques for helping children resolve conflict, click here.