Our two-year-old daughter's nanny, Paige, has been with her her whole life. Last week, Paige gave a month's notice and we need to find new child care for our daughter. Paige has been like part of our family and Emily has always known her. I'm worried that this is going to be very traumatic for Emily. How can we help her deal with this change? When and how should we tell our daughter that her nanny is leaving?
-- concerned in Santa Cruz
It is wonderful that you are thinking about how to help Emily with this change. The loss of a caregiver or a change in child care is a big event in the life of a child -- and in the life of her parent. There are several things you can do before, during and after Paige leaves, to help all of you (including your caregiver) with the transition. You can tell Emily two to three weeks before Paige leaves. If you know what your other child care arrangements will be, you can begin to talk to Emily about those, as well. Finding other child care arrangements will be one of the important items on your agenda, also.
At two years old, Emily won't be able to fully understand what Paige's leaving means until she is actually gone, but by talking about it and preparing her for it, she will be better able to understand when it happens. Here are some other things you can do:
. Deal with your own feelings. Losing a caregiver can be as traumatic for parents as it is for their children. Make sure you have a place to deal with any anger, sadness or fear that you might experience, so that you can be as available as possible for your child during this time. Parents do this by talking to friends or by developing good-bye projects, such as making a present for your caregiver, writing a letter of appreciation, or planning a simple good-bye ritual. As long as your strategy helps you deal with your feelings, it is successful.
. Make a book. Two-year olds are on the beginning end of conscious memory. It is very helpful to them to have tangible objects which help them remember and talk about events. Many families take lots of pictures of caregivers and children engaging in everyday activities, glue them onto small pieces of cardboard, write a few words on each page and bind or ring them together, creating a small child-sized book, "Paige Loves Emily" or "A Day with Paige and Emily."
. Make a tape. You can also tape record Paige's voice, singing, reading or telling stories or just talking to Emily. Paige could make Emily a special tape, or you could simply tape some of the time they spend together. Some families like to take video tapes and many children enjoy these videos, but books and audio tapes are more accessible for young children.
. Tell stories. Tell stories about Paige, before, during and after she leaves: "I remember the time Paige took you to the beach and you dug a big, big hole." Even though Emily won't be able to talk about all of her memories of Paige, hearing your stories will help her remember and cherish her relationship with Paige. It will help her learn how you hold on to people who aren't with you anymore.
. Talk about where everyone will be after the transition. When a change occurs, children don't know what is going to be different and what is going to stay the same. Tell Emily where Paige is going to be, if possible, and what she is going to be doing. Tell Emily that you will still be her family and that she will still live with you. And if possible, tell Emily who will be caring for her. If you don't know yet, tell her that you are looking to find somebody as wonderful as Paige to take care of her.
. Do a "good-bye" ritual. It helps children to understand the importance of this kind of transition if you do something special to mark it. You could have a little party and light a candle. Emily could make a drawing and wrap it up to give Paige. You could make a copy of the book you made for Emily and wrap it up for her to give to Paige. You could sing a special good-bye song.
. Listen to your child's feelings. Emily's understanding of the permanence of Paige's absence will come over time. She might seem happy and unfazed for the first week after Paige is gone and then sad, cranky or out-of-sorts the second week. It is natural for it to take time for her feelings to fully surface. If you can be available to listen to Emily when she cries or talks about Paige, it will help her work though her feelings.
If she doesn't bring Paige up for several days, you might say, "I've been thinking about Paige. I miss her. I remember that you and she always had cereal for breakfast in your matching blue bowls.'" Emily might be having feelings that she doesn't quite know how to talk about. If she starts crying when you talk about Paige, that's good. It means you've given her an opportunity to express feelings she is carrying.
. Make a plan to stay in touch, if possible. If Paige is available, it would be wonderful if she could still see Emily periodically. Otherwise, sending photos, drawings or tapes back and forth can be a way to stay in touch. For some children, phone calls work. For others, another form of communication is best.
