"Struggles Over Homework"

My nine-year-old daughter, Cassandra, is in the fourth grade. Every night we get into homework battles. Three afternoons a week, she has activities (softball, choir) and by the time we get home, homework is the last thing she feels like doing. The other two days, we argue about whether she should do her homework right after school or if she should have some time to relax and play first. When Cassie finally sits down to do her homework, she seems to want me there helping all the time. I do want to help her, but I know at some point she is going to need to be able to do it on her own. And frankly, I have other things I need to be doing. The last thing is that it seems like kids these days have way more homework then we did, and some of it is really beyond her abilities. As you see, I'm really confused about homework and what my role is. Got any ideas?

-- busy mom in Topeka

You have raised several good questions here. The overriding question is, "What is my role in helping my child be successful and independent in the world?" The more specific questions are: "What is a realistic schedule for a nine-year old?" "How do kids learn to manage their time?" "What is a useful, reasonable amount of homework?" "When is it appropriate to ask my child to adapt and when is it appropriate to ask the school/teacher to adapt?" "What are my goals for my daughter regarding her homework?" "What are her own goals?"
      The elementary-school years are important ones for children and their families. Children are moving out from their families to become full members of the world, yet parents still have significant input and influence as to what kids learn about themselves and their world. Here are some things to consider when dealing with your daughter's homework:
. Evaluate your child's schedule. Our children are getting caught up in our increasingly fast-paced adult world. For many children today, there are sports, activities, lessons, as well as homework competing for their time. Parents feel pressured to make sure their children are getting the benefit of all of the opportunities available and feel guilty if their child is stuck at home with "nothing to do." Children, however, need down time: time to do nothing, to think and reflect on their experience, to figure out what activity they can initiate for themselves. With school, homework and other activities, some children have less then half-an-hour a day of unscheduled time. Without enough time for themselves, children become dependent on being entertained, acclimated to a "hurry-up" schedule, and may lack the ability to be creative. Therefore, it is important to look for a balance of structured activities and open time when helping Cassie put together her schedule.
. Get clear about who is responsible for homework. As our children move out into the world, it can be hard for us to let them start taking responsibility for their actions and experiencing the consequences when they don't. Many parents feel personally responsible for making sure their children get homework done perfectly and on time. While this may be a worthwhile goal, if children don't achieve it themselves, it isn't useful to them in the long run.
      While parents can support, facilitate and encourage, children should take increasing responsibility for scheduling, remembering and following through on their homework. This means there will be times when they forget or ignore doing it and will experience whatever consequence the school has. Once this has happened, you can work with your daughter to figure out ways she could be more successful the next time (the more ideas she contributes to this conversation, the more likely she will be to follow through).
      When you and she really understand that homework is her responsibility, you will be able to leave nagging behind and work on being a support to her success, rather than taking the lead role in getting her homework done.
. Make a plan with your child for successfully completing homework. Find a time when homework is not impending to talk with Cassie about it. Ask her what is hard about homework, what she enjoys about it (unlikely, but give it a try), when and where she thinks she would do it best, and what kind of help she would like. The settings in which children successfully complete homework run the gamut: some can memorize their spelling words while sprawled out in front of the TV or listening to music blaring in earphones, while others need quiet and a complete lack of distractions in order to focus.
      You can share your observations about the circumstances under which you think she might best be able to focus, but it is crucial that she be encouraged to do the kind of self-reflection that will help her understand herself better. Her ability to succeed with her homework will be directly proportional to the amount of input she has into shaping her own "homework plan." Once you and Cassie come up with a plan, make an agreement to try it out for a week and then check in to see how it is going.
. Think about what you want her to learn. While most of us are eager for our children to learn math, history, science and language skills, there are many other things children are learning while they are doing homework. They are learning about persistence, follow-through, planning, work, and concentration. They are developing their problem-solving skills and their ability to stay on task.
      While they do their homework, our kids are learning about themselves as learners, and we want them to feel like competent learners. This doesn't mean that everything should come easy for them. In fact, when everything comes easy, children don't have a chance to learn how to be resourceful in the face of challenges. So one of our tasks in supporting our children in doing their homework is to help them come up with strategies for studying. Depending on what skills Cassie is learning in school, she may need help planning her time, organizing her papers, reading directions, outlining the work she has to do, taking notes, doing research or checking over and revising her work.
. Think about your role. This is often tough for parents. Most of us alternately want to do it all for our kids or want them to do it completely on their own. Finding the middle ground - where we help our children figure things out without doing their homework for them - takes practice. Here are some tips on how to begin:

1. Observe your child's learning style and give help accordingly. A child who is an auditory learner may need things read out loud to her or may need to read them out loud to herself. A kinesthetic learner may need to write things out, drum things out, or even dance them out (four hops and six leaps equals ten steps). A visual learner may need to see something before she can take it in.
2. Help your child break the task down into smaller parts. Breaking down the parts of a math problem or separating out the different stages in writing a report can help keep children from feeling overwhelmed.
3. Ask open-ended questions that help children discover. "Why do you think jellyfish have so many babies?" Or, "If you were traveling across the country in a covered-wagon what would you need to bring along?"
4. Ask your child how you can help. If they say, "You do my homework," you can reply, "You need to do it. Are there other ways I could support you in doing it?"
5. Provide tools. You could take your child to the library, get the special paper she needs for a project, or locate necessary supplies from around your home.
6. Give subject area help where you can. Assess the areas in which you can be a resource for your child. If there are subjects that you don't feel strong in, you can either try to learn along with your child or you can help find another resource (an adult friend, a tutor, another student).