""Simple Living" With Kids"

My partner and I are very committed to simplifying our lives, spending less money so we can work less hours and be with our kids (4 and 7 years old) more. It's also important to us to live a lifestyle that has less of an impact on the earth. We grow a lot of our own food, shop at thrift stores and garage sales, and repair or make do, rather than buying new things. We feel very concerned about how much of the earth's resources are being used up, and are trying to do our small part by consuming less. Our kids, however, go to school and regularly have contact with families whose values are very different. Our kids beg for junk food, plastic-packaged lunch food, and the latest plastic throw-away toys. I don't want them to feel completely deprived, yet on the other hand, I don't want to cave in just because "everybody else has one." How can we teach our children the values that are important to us even though they're way outside the mainstream culture?

It sounds like you understand some of the dilemmas your kids are facing. At four and seven, they are beginning to pay greater attention to the ideas of their friends and the world outside of them. They are getting to the age where they will want to test out some of these ideas themselves. You have probably already discovered some ways to compromise, so that your kids get a clear message about your values while at the same time, they get to experience some of the mainstream culture. Here are some ideas, some of which you have probably discovered already:
. Talk to your children about your values. Not only is it important that we tell children what we believe, we also need to tell them how we have come to those beliefs. If we just say to children," In our family we don't buy plastic toys," children think it is an arbitrary rule created to make their lives unhappy. On the other hand, children will begin to learn about our views if we also add, "because plastic is made up of a kind of oil from the earth that we have a limited amount of. It doesn't keep growing back like trees. So I'd rather save the oil and get toys out of wood and cloth because they do keep growing back."
. Listen to what is really important to your child. You can ask your child to tell you what she really likes about a toy. If she can articulate what she likes, you may be able to find or make something that suits both of your needs. Making a cape and power arm bands for a favorite doll or figure might be enough to turn it into the power hero she is looking for. Including a healthy version of the popular lunch food may fill the request.
. Provide some opportunity for your children to experience the "forbidden" things. Sometimes the desire for an item is about getting one just like your friend has, getting one from the store, or having the lunch with the little pull tops and disposable containers. If you can't come up with a suitable alternative, you can occasionally buy one of the coveted items. This will probably take away some of the fascination and free your child up to better hear your perspective. When you do buy something that doesn't normally fit within your value system, you can let your child know that it isn't the kind of toy you usually get, but that you are getting it because she is so interested in it and you want her to have a chance to see what it is like.
      Children can also experience things you don't allow at home by playing over at friends' houses. One family, who was determined not to have video games in their home, visited periodically with extended family where their kids got to explore video games with their cousins.
. Try teaching instead of preaching. When we feel strongly about something, it can be hard not to want to drill it into our kids. Your children will be better able to understand your viewpoint if you can gently and consistently share your beliefs with your them: "We try to use all of the gifts the earth gives us carefully so that there will enough gifts for people who aren't even born yet. I'd rather fix the elbows on my good old sweater than to get a brand new one."
      It's also important to talk about the differences in your beliefs and those of your children's friends without judging or criticizing their friends or their friends' families: "I know that Julie's family buys her all of Barbie's cars. They have different ideas about toys than we do, and that works for their family."
      It is also helpful to ask your children's opinions along the way. "What do you think should happen with all the broken plastic toys that kids don't play with anymore?" Or, "What else could Barbie use for a car besides the one they sell in the store?" Children's ideas and beliefs about things grow and evolve as they get older. Keeping an ongoing dialogue about the issues will help you stay in touch with their process.
. Acknowledge the challenges your children face in the midst of conflicting beliefs. It can be helpful to talk to your children about the pressures they face when they don't do things the same way their friends do. Here's a sample dialogue: