"Developing Autonomy In My 2-Year-Old"

: My son, Jeffrey, has just turned two and I'm feeling really stuck about how to handle his neediness and clinging. I'm a stay-at-home-mom and I make my son my highest priority. I spend a lot of time reading to him, playing with him, taking him for walks, but I cannot be available to him 100% of his waking time-which seems to be his expectation. Just this morning, I spent two solid hours with him doing a variety of activities: we read several books, we played with his Brio train set, we fixed and ate breakfast together, we got dressed, and then I announced that I had to make two phone calls. I asked him please play with his toys by himself for a few minutes. I suggested a variety of activities and tried to get him started on them, but he was adamant: NOT. To make those calls, I had to lock myself in our spare room while he screamed on the other side. I face the same problem with trying to wash dishes, do laundry, vacuum, do gardening tasks, or cook dinner.
      Jeffrey cannot tolerate my inattention to him. He responds with screaming, trying to climb up on me, and pull on me. The only solution to date has been to turn on the TV, which I find an unacceptable solution and only contributes to his inability to play effectively with his toys. Jeffrey has a wealth of books, art supplies, play-dough, cars & trucks, blocks, riding toys, Legos, and musical instruments. The only time he really wants to play with any of it is with someone else, like his Dad or another child.
      In the past I've been extremely patient with him about most things, but now that I'm now four months pregnant with our second child, I've been more tired and irritable and I've been finding myself losing my temper and shouting at him, then feeling guilty and angry with myself. I apologize and talk to him about what happened, but I'm still stymied. I feel like he should be able to play independently for 20-30 minutes several times each day. Is it an unrealistic expectation? How do other mothers and fathers handle childcare plus housework and other responsibilities? Please point me in the right direction.

Your son is at an important point in his development. He is in the process of taking a big step towards independence and at the same time, he is experiencing the usual fear that accompanies it. Both children and parents experience what is called "growth ambivalence," the mixture of joy and excitement with sadness and hesitation that accompanies any new growth. As a two-year-old, your son is acquiring many new accomplishments and understandings each day. As he feels himself getting older, taking in more of the world, and leaving babyhood behind, he may feel insecure, and thus clingy towards you. And yet, despite his resistance, learning to be independent is just as important for him as it is for you.
      Here are some things you can do to help him along his path toward greater autonomy:
. Observe the things he does or initiates on his own. When you feel like you are spending 90% of your time with him every day, it must be hard to notice the things he is doing on his own. However, there are probably at least a few tucked in to his day. Once you have a sense of the kinds of things he likes to do on his own, you can ensure that he has opportunities to do those things.
. Clarify for yourself that being on his own is good for him as well as for you. Sometimes we are so desperate about getting time to ourselves, and our children seem so resistant to spending time alone, that we forget that having independent time will also benefit our children. If we don't understand this, we may feel guilty when our children begin to play by themselves, and inadvertently sabotage our own efforts. For instance, if our "clingy" child begins to play on his own, we may feel compelled to come over and engage with him: "Oh, look what you built," Or, "You've been playing by yourself so well!" The minute we step in and initiate an interaction, our children's attention will be back directly on us.
. Help him transition from being together to playing alone. One of the things that is hardest for toddlers is to transition from playing with someone else to playing on their own. After you have spent the morning together building trains, making breakfast, and getting dressed, it seems like he should be ready to play by himself, yet becoming accustomed to being on his own will take time.
      It is important to warn young children ahead of time what the morning will be like, so they can start to prepare themselves for the necessary transitions they will face: "Jeffrey, this morning we are going to play together for awhile, have breakfast and get dressed. After you are dressed, I need to make some phone calls and you can play on your own. After that, we can go to the park." As you near the time for the phone calls, you can remind him again: "We're almost dressed, so I'm just about to make my phone calls."
      Part of what is difficult for young children is figuring out what to do when they are alone, but the harder part is not knowing what to expect-being caught by surprise: "Wait a minute, here. We were playing along nicely and all of a sudden you have to go and make phone calls!"
      You can also involve him in planning an activity he might do while you are busy: "What would you like to do while I make my phone calls?" At this point, wait for his ideas. Then, if necessary, you can make some suggestions: "Would you like me to get out some play-dough for you or would you like your little toy phone so you can make calls too?"
. Use the "sandwich approach" gradually. Two-year olds don't have a very sophisticated sense of time so waiting can feel like forever to them. Starting with very short snatches of time, you can gradually work your way to longer periods of independent play. For a two-year old who hasn't played independently much, five minutes is an appropriate place to start.
      The sandwich approach offers your child some special time with you both before and after his time alone: "I need to do the breakfast dishes. Would you like to play musical instruments with me for a little while before I start? Then after the dishes, we could read your favorite book. You could even choose the book now and put it on the counter to remind me when I am done with the dishes that we are going to read together."
. During your "private time," minimize your interactions. Your son needs to get the message that you are really not available during this time. If you keep interacting with him, explaining again what private time is, or even getting mad at him, he won't clearly understand what is expected during private time. Simply stating, "I'm reading now. I'll be with you when I'm done," or "I'm doing the dishes now. I can help you when I am done," will let him know that what you are doing is not interruptible.
. Provide consistency and give it time. At first, your time "alone" probably won't be. You son will clamor for your attention. This is a normal response on his part. He doesn't yet know how to transition from time together to time alone and he is resisting figuring it out. It will take a while for him to be clear that you are really not available, and he will need to figure out what to do for himself. During this transition, you can expect that you won't get much more done that you are currently. However, even though you aren't accomplishing your tasks, you will be setting the stage for success down the road.
. Gradually become less of a presence in his play. It sounds like you are a wonderful playmate for your son much of the time. You may be able to help him transition to more independent play by changing your role in his play. Try becoming more of an observer than either an initiator or participator in play. The more he directs the play, the less need he will have for you to be there to keep his play going.
. Bring in playmates. Probably the best solution is to replace yourself as the prime playmate. You mentioned that he will play with his toys if another child is around. If you can arrange to have another child come over on a regular basis, your son's need for socializing with you may diminish. You may still be in high demand to help them figure out how to play together, but you won't be the cornerstone of the play. And eventually, as they learn some skills to play together (this can take awhile), you'll get some of that time you were looking for.
. Give him some space to struggle to figure it out. Learning to entertain himself is going to take your son some time. It will also take some letting go on your part. You have been integral to his play up to this point, and in his learning to play independently, you will have a limited role. By definition, he's got to figure it out how to play independently himself. It will probably be hard for you to watch him struggle and not know what to do with himself, but it is essential to his learning that he understands that you can't do it for him.