"Talking To My Daughter About Menstruation"

: I'm a mother of two: a boy of 7 and a girl of 9. One question I have is, "How can I explain to my daughter about sex and especially menstruation?" My daughter is a very clever, talented girl but she also has insecurities. She is afraid of losing us, her parents, but mostly she is afraid of losing me. Both my husband and I, are working half-days, so we are a lot of time with the kids. We live in Cyprus, where family bonds are very strong. We've got a lot of help for babysitting from my parents. So if you could please answer me the soonest, so that I can talk about the matter with my daughter. She started having acne on her face and her body has started changing to adolescence. Thank you for your help!

It seems that you are asking two questions. One has to do with talking to your daughter about the changes her body is going through and the other one is about her separation issues with you and her dad. We will briefly address the question about separation and go into more depth on the question about menstruation.

Separation Anxiety
      There are several reasons that children experience separation anxiety. At certain ages, children rediscover the idea that they are really separate from their parents, and that their parents could go away and never come back. These stages usually pass as the child grows to a new level of understanding.
      Another reason for separation anxiety is that a child may not have had enough practice or experience being safely away from their parents. With some experience in the care of other loving people, children can learn that they can be safe, even if their parents aren't there. Another reason for separation trauma is stress or change in the child's life-a parent gets ill or loses a job, a child is feeling overwhelmed at school or being scared by the kids in the neighborhood. Helping a child change or cope with these circumstances will move them past some of their separation upset.
      If none of these explanations seem to fit or if your nine-year-old's anxiety lasts longer than a couple of months without changing, it would be useful to seek some outside help from a professional, such as a counselor or therapist.

Talking to children about menstruation
      Different families have different styles of communication. Some families talk freely about bodies and bodily functions, as a part of everyday conversation. In other families, those topics are considered private. Deciding how to talk to your child about menstruation will be influenced by your own family's style of communication. Keeping that in mind as you read these suggestions will help you choose the best way for you:
. Prepare yourself. Having all the necessary information and vocabulary will help you be prepared to talk to your daughter. You may find that books written for children will help you figure out what information you would like to provide as well as some ways to talk to your daughter. Alternately, a resource book for adults may also help you answer questions that you have.
      You may also want to prepare yourself by practicing what you might say to your daughter. For people who don't have experience talking about bodies or saying certain words, it can be helpful to practice words or phrases (either with another adult or alone.)
. Ask your daughter what she knows. It is useful to find out what information your daughter already has. You could start by simply acknowledging the changes that are happening in her body and asking her what she knows about them. "I've noticed that your body is growing and changing. You are starting to perspire and get hair under your arms. Do you know what other changes will be happening to you?" Or, you could ask her a more general question. "Do you know what happens as a girl starts becoming a woman?"
. Ask your daughter what she would like to know. It's important to be sensitive to what information you daughter is ready for. You can ask her directly, "What questions do you have about how girls' bodies change?" Or, "What questions do you have about men's and women's relationships?"
. Look for resources. You might find books or pamphlets that are written for young women which would be good resources for your daughter. In some families, looking at a book together is more comfortable then talking directly to each other. It is also useful for you and your daughter to have references available when questions arise that you don't have the answer to. Two we highly recommend are Period by JoAnn Gardner-Loulan and It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Haris.
. Work to establish comfort and openness in you communication. The most important thing for your daughter is that she knows she has somewhere reliable to go with her questions. If you want this person to be you, the most significant thing you can communicate to her is that you are willing and open to talk to her about her questions. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, you can still create openness, if you want it. You can merely acknowledge your discomfort and go on. "This is a little uncomfortable for me to talk about, because I never learned how to talk about sex when I was growing up, but I am really glad you asked that question and I'll help you figure out the answer."
      If you don't feel able to be this kind of a resource for you daughter, it is important that you get her some good books and try to locate a class or a relative who might provide her with accurate information.
. Be available when your daughter is ready to talk. Our children are not always ready to talk when we are. If she doesn't respond to your first questions or offerings of information, you can still keep the door open. "It looks like you don't have a lot of questions right now, but whenever you have a question, I'll be glad to help you figure it out."
      If you make it a point to spend time just hanging out together, not involved in "doing" and activity, she may feel more comfortable asking questions.
      You may also discover that your daughter is ready to talk at night when you are exhausted or when you are in the middle of something else. Make time to talk with her as soon as you can.
. Some possible dialogues about menstruation. Here are some specific ideas for talking with your daughter about menstruation and body changes:
     "When a girl starts becoming a woman, lots of changes happen in her body. She starts to perspire and to grow hair under her arms, on her legs and in her pubic area. She also starts to develop breasts. All of these changes happen because of new hormones in her body.
      "Later, after some of these changes have begun, girls start to have a period. This happens because her body is preparing in case one day she wants to have a baby. Her body starts to release little cells called ovum, and then her body starts preparing a place for those ovum, so that if they join up with a sperm from a man, a baby can grow.
      "Her body prepares a place called her uterus or her womb by putting blood and other nutrients in there. Most of the time the ovum doesn't become a baby and so the uterus empties out through a special opening called a vagina. Every month this happens and we call it a woman's period. For about 3 or 4 or 5 days red fluid comes out of her body until her uterus is emptied. I'll show you the special pads that women use when they have their periods."
      This is a lot of information and your daughter may not be ready for it all in one sitting. You might share this information with her over the course of several conversations. You could also write your own "script" to help you practice the way you want to say things to her.
. This can be a close and bonding time. We usher our daughters into womanhood with many mixed emotions. As we are pleased and excited we may also be wistful and fearful. Take some time to think about the important path you are sending your daughter down and find some hope and optimism to send with her.