"Helping A 6-Year-Old Who Is Telling Lies"

I have a six-year old daughter in first grade. Recently, she received a note from her teacher about having hit another student. She was supposed to have brought the note home to us. I found the note in her desk the next day during a parent-teacher conference (unrelated to the incident) and was told by the teacher that she had been told by my daughter that we had received it. My husband and I feel very strongly about lying. We feel we have provided a good example by not lying ourselves and admitting when we've made a mistake. This is the third lying incident in about six months. Previously, we have punished her by taking away privileges, such as television, computer time, dessert, etc. for several days. This doesn't seem to have worked, and, although I've tried to emphasize that people who lie will eventually get caught, she doesn't seem to be getting the cause and effect relationship. She seems contrite, and can verbalize what she did that was wrong, but she seems more upset about the prospect of losing privileges than in having done something wrong. Do you have any suggestions as to the best way to handle the situation? We feel that if this behavior is not "nipped in the bud", it will escalate.

Lying is not uncommon behavior in young children. There are several reasons why children tell "mistruths." And each incident of lying offers us another opportunity to teach important lessons to our children about telling the truth.
      Six-year olds are beginning to learn about morality and about "right" and "wrong." Their thinking is still two-dimensional. They believe that something has to be all bad or all good. They still usually believe that a thing is bad when it gets found out, rather than when it occurs. If I break a plate, and put it in the trash and nobody finds out, maybe it wasn't a bad thing. Therefore, lying makes a lot of sense to them. If lying can keep a bad deed from being revealed, maybe the deed isn't bad, after all.
      Our responsibility to children is to help them develop into moral adults. As children grow and learn they have to make mistakes at every step of the way. It is part of their learning. If we use their mistakes as opportunities for developing understanding, they will continue to grow and learn. If we merely punish their mistakes, they will become cleverer about not getting caught.
      Here are some things to consider in helping your daughter learn the importance of honesty:
. Tell your daughter how honesty and dishonesty work. We are quick to tell our children that honesty is "right" and dishonesty is "wrong," but we sometimes fail to tell them what honesty and dishonesty do to relationships.
      Some people tell their children the story of the boy who cried wolf. You can also explain to your daughter that when people you care about always tell you the truth, you learn to trust them and you never have to wonder about what they tell you. On the other hand, when people you care about don't always tell you the truth, every time they tell you something, you wonder if it is the truth. You have a hard time trusting them and you may not share important information with them because you don't know if they will keep it safe. You can remind your daughter that your relationship with her is very important to you and that you want her to be able to trust everything you tell her and you want to be able to trust everything she tells you. Stating this positively will let her know that you expect her to succeed. When you tell her, "and if you don't tell us the truth, we will never be able to trust you again," it may feel like too impossible a task that she can't ever achieve.
. Thank your daughter when she tells you the truth. Any time you discover your daughter telling you some "hard to tell" truth, thank her, even before you respond to the difficult information she has brought you. "Mariah, I really appreciate you telling me about the candy you took from the store. I know it must have taken a lot of courage for you to tell me. Now we need to think about how to deal with your mistake."
. Focus on problem-solving, rather than punishment. For all deeds, not just lying, if we help children learn about what didn't work and about what might work better next time, they will learn tools they can use for future problems. If we just punish children, they get the message that what they did was wrong, but they don't necessarily understand what was wrong about it or what they might do differently next time. Giving children information is an important part of problem-solving. "Do you know what would happen if everyone who went into that store took something without paying for it? Pretty soon, the store wouldn't have anything left in it and the owner wouldn't have any money to buy more groceries or to buy clothes for her children. The store would have to close and we wouldn't have a place to buy our groceries."
. Involve your daughter in problem-solving when she makes mistakes. If you ask her opinion about what the consequences for her behavior should be, she understands that you believe she is intelligent and moral enough to come up with an appropriate response to the problem. "I hear that you hit one of your school friends. What do you think you should do about it now?" Or, "What will help you remember not to hit next time?" If her first suggestion doesn't seem appropriate, ask her to think again about what might help her learn to be safe with her friend. In this way she participates in making the mistake "right." This aids in the development of her own moral sense.
. Help her think about what gets in the way of her telling the truth. Your daughter doesn't fully understand why she lies or what will make it possible for her to tell the truth. See if you can get on her side and provide her with some helpful coaching. In this way she can learn not only how important the truth is to you, she can also learn how to tell the truth. "Mariah, How did you feel when Ms. Stevens gave you the note to take home?" "You decided not to bring it home. What do you think would happen if you brought it home? What did you think would happen if you didn't bring it home?" "What would have helped you be able to tell the truth in this situation?"
. Continue to model honesty and admitting your own mistakes. Modeling the truth is an essential part of helping children learn the importance of honesty. As well, your ability to admit to making mistakes helps your daughter understand that she is not the only one who makes mistakes, and that it is useful to acknowledge (and apologize) for your mistakes. You might also want to talk to your daughter about when it is hard for you to tell the truth. "Loretta asked me to go to the Site Council meeting with her tonight and I really didn't want to go. I thought about telling her that I had something else to do, but I really wanted to tell her the truth, so I told her that I think the Site Council is very important, but that I am too tired to go tonight."
. Help your daughter discovery the value of honesty herself. It is important to remember that you can't "force" a person to tell the truth. The best way to help a person be truthful is to give them the opportunity to learn the importance of honesty.