"4-Year-Old Cursing A Blue Streak"

My 4-year-old has been calling me a "dummy" and his sister a "poo-poo head" whenever he's upset. Mostly I've tried to ignore it, but lately, he's upped the ante and has started using grown-up swear words. I can't imagine where he's picked them up, and I don't really think he knows what the words mean. It's upsetting for me to hear him use such foul language, yet I don't know how to get him to stop. I'm worried he's going to start saying these things in public. What should I do?

-- worried mom in Albany

Swearing and name-calling is often confusing, upsetting and embarrassing for parents. Yet for four-year-olds, it can be an important step in development. Powerful language is a positive step for children. Younger children frequently lash out physically when they are mad or frustrated: hitting, pushing or biting. Many 4-year-olds are starting to control these more physical behaviors and are "progressing" to hurtful language instead. The good news is that they are not physically hurting other children -- at least not as much -- the bad news is that they are still hurting with words.
   Children who are swearing or using other hurtful language are exploring some important questions. "How does language work?" "Are some words more powerful than others?" "Why are certain words so powerful?" "How can you make someone cry without touching them?" "Why do adults disapprove of this language while some of my friends think it is funny?"
   We know that four-year-olds are fascinated by anything that has to do with power. They love superheroes, magic, exclusionary play, weapons, and loud voices. Swear words are a "natural" for them, because they are the most powerful words kids can use.
   We wonder where children hear these words. They sometimes hear them from other children or from us when we occasionally slip. Children don't have to hear them over and over for them to know that they are significant words.
   Even though children know these are powerful words, they usually don't know the meaning of the words they are using. Children experiment with words that they don't understand. They quickly learn that certain words get fast and intense responses and that those same words get different responses from different people. One of the reasons they bring them home to us, their parents, is to find out more about these words.
   This gives us the opportunity to help our children understand their new vocabulary and also to teach them about acceptable ways to communicate in our family. When we respond to children's swearing, we also have the opportunity to teach them about empathy and feelings, and to help them learn social norms for language.
   When children come to you with bathroom talk and swear words, you can:
. Give children information about how those words affect people. "Those are words that can hurt people's feelings," or "Those words hurt my feelings."
. Let kids know how their family feels about swearing and name-calling. "I know a lot of people use those words when they're angry and frustrated, but we use other words in our family when we are mad," or "Those are words that we sometimes use in our family at home, but we don't use them when we are out in public or at Grandma's house."
. Work to keep communication open. Often, our first response when we hear children swearing is to try to get them to stop. Inadvertently, we may stop all communication with the retort, "Don't ever speak to me like that, young lady!" If, instead, you let your daughter know that you are interested in her idea, but that you don't like the particular language she's using, she may be encouraged to share her idea in another way. You can tell her, "I don't like those words. Can you tell me your idea another way?" or "It sounds like you are really mad. You can tell me that without calling me names."
. Be aware that learning appropriate language doesn't happen instantaneously. As much as we would like our children to stop using inappropriate language the minute we tell them we don't like it, the nature of their learning prescribes that they have to experiment with it for some time before they can give it up. If you can gently and consistently share your feelings with them, offer them other ways to communicate, and model the language you want them to use, they will most likely grow out of using inappropriate language in their own time.