"8-Year-Old Focused On Penis Play"

My 8-Year-Old is experimenting with what we, his parents, view as inappropriate touching. He is very focused on his penis. He is also touching his friend's penis and other "private" areas. We have discussed this with him but he continues and says he "forgot". How should we deal with this in a healthful way? When does the action warrant further help from a counselor? We want him to have a healthy perspective toward his sexuality but we don't believe that other children can really give their consent at this age and we want respectful attitudes toward other people. Do you know of resources for us to read or people in the community to talk to?

You are starting with some clear, important goals for your son as he learns about his body and about his sexuality. Your goals include your son having a healthy view of his body and sexuality and a respect for other people's bodies and boundaries.
      Interest in bodies and in sexuality emerges for many children during childhood. Many parents feel challenged to help their children develop healthy attitudes, practices and safe limits as their children explore. However, many parents may not have had experience which provides a model of how to do that.
      Usually, children's sexual exploration has to do with questions they want answered. Often, children's interest and questions arise spontaneously as their bodies grow and change or as their awareness of sexuality in the larger culture increases.
      Alternately, they may have friends who introduce them to new ideas, exposure to inappropriate material via the Internet or television, or they may have had a hurtful sexual encounter with an older child or adult. Finding the source of your son's increased interest in his penis and private parts will be useful in figuring out helpful responses to his curiosity and exploration.
      Here are some strategies for getting more information, some ideas for responding and some possible resources:
. Talk with your son. It is important to engage in two-way dialogue with your son so that he can tell you what he knows about what is going on. Often in our attempts to educate our children, we spend more time talking than listening. We ask closed-ended questions, rather than open-ended ones. "Why are you playing this game with your friend when I told you not to?" (closed-ended) "I see you are exploring each other's bodies. Tell me about your game." (open-ended)
      Listening to your son is essential for two reasons. It can give you information about what he is working on and it also establishes a tradition of open communication between you about sensitive topics.
. Acknowledge his interest. When kids first start body exploration, they don't know if it is okay or not. They often wonder if they are doing something wrong. You can simply tell your son that you see that he is curious about his body, that you know it can be interesting and pleasurable to touch his penis and that most kids have questions about bodies. You can also acknowledge that lots of kids have questions about other kid's bodies as well.
. Get support in dealing with your own discomfort. Many parents are not accustomed to talking about sex and genitals. You may have to do some research and practice as well as getting some support for your own issues in order to be able to help your child through developing his healthy sexuality.
. Let him know that you are available as a resource. Kids don't automatically know where to go to get answers for their questions. Letting your son know that you are available if he has questions may create an opportunity for him to talk to you. "If you have questions about your body, or your penis or about anything, you can always ask me. If I don't know that answer, I can help you find one." You can also get some resource books that he could use to look up answers to his questions. A Child's First Book About Sex (for 5-10 year olds) and It's Perfectly Normal (geared for older preadolescent children and kids entering puberty) are resources you may want to investigate.
. Provide information. It is important that you provide your son with health and safety information, as well as with social mores. Be sure to include information about hand washing after any touching of genitals or other private parts.
. Tell him what is acceptable and what is not. It sounds like you have told your son that it is not appropriate to touch his friend's penis. Have you told him what it is appropriate for him to do with his curiosity? Can he touch his own penis? When? Where? What if he has questions about his friend's penis? Where would be an appropriate place to get those answers?
. Provide supervision. Once you have set limits and alternatives for your son, you may need to provide closer supervision, so that he can be successful in following the limits you have set. You may also want to provide some other more structured activities for your son and his friend to do.
. Check in with the other parents. When children are engaged in mutual sex-play it is important to maintain communication with the other child's family about what is happening and appropriate responses. Families need to be in agreement about how the exploration should be handled and about what limits should be implemented.
. Assess whether your son's level of interest is in the normal range. One way to assess whether a child's interest in bodies and sexuality is normal is to look at the amount of time he spends focused on it. If his "sexual" activity seems to be edging out his other interests for an extended period of time (longer than a few weeks), then you may want to get help investigating the source of his interest. If he seems compelled to engage in this play, even when his friends don't want to, this may be a sign that he is trying to work out an inappropriate experience. Finally, if a child has unusual information or is "playing" games that show an adult knowledge of sex, this can be another indication that your child's interest is outside the bounds of normal.
. Ask for help. As well as library books, and sharing stories with other parents about typical sexual behavior for children, you could also consult a child therapist or psychologist for information. If you have serious questions about your child's behavior, having him talk with a counselor is a good option.
. If you suspect that your son has been sexually abused. If, after talking to your son and observing his play, you suspect that he has been sexually abused, it is important to get help for him as soon as possible. Resources include counselors, psychologists, and Child Protective Services. While it can be devastating to discover that your child has been abused, it is important to remember that what happens afterwards is as important as the abuse itself. Advocating for your child to get the best support services possible will go a long way to promote his recovery from such a hurtful experience.