"New Kid Snubbed By Playmates"

: We moved to the U.S. from Australia for my husband's work. We were all keen for the adventure.
     People say there is no difference between America and Australia. There is one huge difference for me and that is that American kids are snubbing my 9-year-old son and it is breaking my heart. I have no idea what to do. He was quite happy in Australia and now tells me that he misses all his friends and is lonely, and I have seen the kids over the road (in his class and school...we're in a small mid western town) leaving him out all the time. We have been in this country for 8 months now and if I had my choice I would carry him home walking the desert in bare feet if it meant he would be happy.
     He is a nice kid and gets good grades. If you can point me in a direction for resource material I would be most grateful. I can't find anything specific on the web and I am close to going to see the local psychologist.
     Any assistance would be HUGELY appreciated.

There are probably many differences between Australia and the United States. Even though your family was "up" for the adventure, it must be quite an adjustment for all of you. And it can be devastating as a parent to see your child struggling and to feel like there isn't anything you can do about it.
      There may be many factors contributing to your son's situation. The other kids may be feeling shy or awkward around your son because he talks differently or acts differently than they do. Children also sometimes respond to kids who are different by teasing or ostracizing them. This behavior has very little to do with the kid who is being teased and a lot to do with the discomfort of the teasers. The kids may be using your son as a "scapegoat." Sometimes kids who are unsure of their own standing or trying to establish their own power in a group will single out other kids to make fun of to give themselves a sense of power.
      Your son may also be experiencing a cultural difference. For instance, he may be used to people who are very friendly right from the start and you may be living in a community where people take longer to establish comfort and friendliness with each other. Depending on what factors are contributing to your son's situation, you can choose from some of the following ideas.
. Get more information. Ask your son about what is happening. Check with him about what kids are doing, who is doing it, how often if happens, what other kinds of interactions he is having. Ask him if there are kids who seem friendly or approachable. Sometimes children focus on a few difficult incidents and overlook the more successful interactions. You might try observing some of the neighborhood interactions to see if you can get some clues about what is taking place. The other kind of information that will be useful is from people who know about the kids in the area and in the local culture. The school counselor, teacher or principal may be able to help you understand the local culture for young people and have some ideas of ways your son could make friends.
. Help your son think of ways to make friends. It may be that there are some avenues that your son hasn't tried yet for making friends. It can be helpful to start with one or two friendly looking kids or with people who are friends of the family. There may also be some clubs or activity or sport groups that he could join which would give him an opportunity to meet people.
. Look for local resources. There are probably local resources that could be useful to you and your son. Check with the school to see if there is a counselor, with local youth organizations such as Boys and Girls Club, with sports groups, church groups, and with any other groups which provide services to youth. Your idea of seeking help from a local psychologist is also a good one. If you choose a therapist or psychologist who specifically serves youth, s/he might have some good ideas of local youth groups.
. Consider the value of struggle. While it can be very difficult to see our kids struggle, learning how to deal with and overcome struggle is one of the important lessons our kids stand to learn in childhood. Your role could be to acknowledge that what he is facing is hard, support him in coming up with some strategies he could use to deal with the situation, and offer encouragement that you think he can survive this struggle. You could also share stories of other struggles you have seen him overcome (like learning to walk, playing sports, going to school for the first time, fighting with a good friend.) Sharing your own experiences can be helpful as well. Kids often think adults never have struggles like these and are encouraged to hear of occasions where you have had to overcome obstacles.
. Help your son understand where the snubbing is coming from. Kids tend to take things personally at your son's age. "If people are snubbing me, there must be something wrong with me." One of the most important lessons for life that your son can learn in this situation is that people's behavior towards him indicates more about them than it does about him. People who snub others are usually feeling scared, insecure, uncomfortable, or shy. They ignore or tease others because they don't have other ways of dealing with their feelings. While it is not "fair" to others, it isn't at all reflective of the value of the people who are being snubbed.
. Distinguish your feelings from your son's feelings. It can be very difficult to see our kids getting teased or excluded. Many of us have our own painful memories of rejection in school. While it is important for you to empathize with your son and offer him support, it will help if you can hold your feelings aside and really focus on what is going on for your son. If you can remain optimistic that this situation is one that can be worked out, your son will benefit from your hopefulness.