"Sharing Custody Of A Baby When One Parent Lives Far Away"

: My son is six-and-a-half months old. His father lives 700 miles away and hasn't been able to visit that much. He wishes to take our son out-of-state for visitation. I have talked to a psychologist and spent a lot of time reading about separation. I am afraid that visitation away from me for prolonged periods before he is ready, will be very traumatic for my son. I have tried to speak with his father about establishing visitation goals that would gradually increase over time, eventually working up to dad's desired visitation.
      But my son's dad is impatient and does not want to spend the next few years establishing a relationship. He prefers to force it by immediate weekly visits out-of-state. I am unsure of how the judge would rule, but would like some ideas on how I can communicate better with my son's father and get him to see that gradually increasing their time together will help build trust and a stronger relationship in the future.

Both you and your son's father have very important issues to consider here. Your son needs to be supported in building a relationship with his father who lives far away. Your son also needs the consistency and predictability of his primary parent in the early months and years of his life.
      Children in their first year of life live very much in the immediate moment. They are in the process of collecting experiences on which to start building a memory base. If a primary parent is away from them for a long period of time, they don't have the tools to understand where that person is or even whether he or she still exists.
      In the first year, children are also learning information about whether the world is a safe, predictable and trustworthy place. They learn this essential sense of trust through being responded to in consistent ways by people who are familiar to them. Babies and their caregivers learn new ways of communicating with each other progressively, each day building on the cues from the day before. When children are with people who don't understand their cues for long periods of time, they become frustrated and distressed. Their trust is shaken. When their predictable, people, environment or schedules change dramatically, infants are thrown into confusion, vulnerability and fear. Optimally, any change that happens in babies and young children's lives should happen gradually and with as much familiar support as possible.
      We also know that the attachment process between parents and babies happens over time through repeated interactions with each other. This bonding process involves both baby and parent. The baby falls in love AND the parent falls in love. Both are necessary for healthy attachment. This is a fairly easy and natural process for parents who live with their babies. It is more challenging for parents who live far away, yet there are several ways of supporting it.
      Since we don't know the details of your schedule, your child's father's schedule, your flexibility and financial resources, we will offer a number of things to consider in developing alternative approaches to dealing with your unique circumstances:
. Work together with Dad on planning a vision. Spend some time with your son's dad thinking and talking about what you each want for your son. What experiences do you want him to have? What values and beliefs do you want him to learn in his family? What ideals do the two of you share and which ones are different? What experiences do you bring from your own families and cultures which influence each of you as parents? Unless there is considerable conflict in your relationship, you can usually come up with several common goals. Once you have done this, you can talk about how you can support each other in teaching these.
. Provide for as much interaction between baby and father as possible. The more time father and son spend together, the more familiar your baby will be with his dad. For young babies, frequency, as well as duration are important. Dad could come and stay in town and visit, or you and baby could travel to where Dad is to visit. This should happen as often as possible, given your schedules, economic resources and the level of comfort between the two parents.
. Work into time for Dad and son alone gradually. Optimally, you and baby and Dad should spend ample time together before you leave the two of them alone. When you first leave them, it should be for short periods of time. This is the same process you would use for any new caregiver for your child. When Dad comes over for the first time, the three you could visit together for a couple of hours. You could then start to take short trips to the kitchen to do things for a few minutes at a time. Depending on their comfort together, your errands inside the house could get longer and longer. If you do this for two or three days, you could try a short errand outside of the house. By the end of the week, you might be able to be gone for a half-a-day or an evening, depending on how your son is doing. Each new visit with dad should have some version of this warm-up routine.
      At two years of age, depending on how familiar baby and daddy are by this time, you could have an initial warming-in visit with the three of you and then Dad could stay with his son for an hour or two or take child on an outing. If your child is able to see his dad every several weeks, by the time he is three, he may be ready to spend the night. If Dad and son only see each other every few months or less frequently, they could be ready for an overnight or weekend by the time your son is four. If they are familiar and comfortable with each other, your son might be ready for a week-long visit at four-and-a-half or five.
      If you and Dad are uncomfortable with each other, however, this warming-in sequence won't work. You can either work together with a therapist to establish a comfortable relationship or arrange for another familiar person to help your son when he is warming-in with his dad.
. Provide long distance opportunities for your son and his father to stay connected. What happens when Dad and son are separated is just as important as their visits together. When they're apart, both of them need constant reminders of the other. You can facilitate this through the frequent sharing of photos, tape recordings, videos and stories. Your son should have several photos of his dad accessible. They might be covered in plastic, so they can be on the floor with him, ready to be chewed on or you can make a little book of photos of Dad that you could look at together. Photos are just as important for Dad. Send them as frequently as you possibly can. Take pictures of your son doing everything-feeding himself for the first time, pulling the cat's tail, crying, smiling.
      Tape recordings are priceless, going both ways, as well. Ask Dad to make tapes regularly. He could sing or talk to his son. He could tell stories. Becoming familiar with his dad's voice will help your son establish comfort more quickly when they reunite. You can also run the tape recorder while your son is playing to capture his spontaneous sounds. This will be invaluable to his dad.
      Taking videotapes of your son to send to his dad will also help dad stay in touch. When your son is a little older, he will enjoy video clips of his dad, particularly of them spending time together. As he gets older, it will also be significant to him to see his dad playing with him as a baby.
      Tell each of them stories about the other one. As often as possible, phone or write to Dad to tell him the highlights and mundane details of his son's day. As well, talk to your son about his dad. "I see you looking at that bird. Your dad loves birds, too."
. Let your child know that you support his relationship with his dad. At first your son is going to perceive his dad mostly through your interpretation. The more appreciative you are of his dad, the more you include him in your everyday life (even when he is not present), the more your son will understand that you truly want him to have both parents.
. Let Dad know that you support his relationship with his child. When you are the gatekeeper for the other parent spending time with his child, often the other parent thinks that you don't support their relationship. It is essential that you tell Dad how significant you believe their relationship is. If this is not true for you, it is important to do some work on this issue because you are going to be pivotal in the success of their relationship.
. Seek a counselor or mediator if necessary. The quality of your son's relationship with each of you will be affected by the quality of your relationship with each other. The more cooperation you can create, the better off your son will be. This is worth investing time, energy and money into.