"7-Year-Old Revisiting Separation Anxiety"

: I am the single mother of a 7-year-old girl. Up until last July my daughter was very happy to go to school, childcare, and on day trips and overnight stays with her aunt. Last July, that changed literally overnight. She began to cry anytime she was separated from me for any reason. Her answer to my questions has always been, "I miss you." But she had not "missed" me the day, week, year before when these same separations occurred. Through subtle questioning, I've assured myself that she has not been molested or beaten. I've explored whether something frightened her (or if she's frightened for me), but she can only say she "misses" me. She now goes to school and childcare without tears (most days), but still turns down play dates. A new twist occurred in September when she became upset at the idea of having her friends stay the night here--or even having family and friends over for a party. I am at my wit's end! What is this about?

There are several possible reasons for your daughter's new separation anxiety. It may take some time, reflection and inquiry before either you or she can figure out what is going on. Often what looks like regressive behavior is, in fact, a signal of some new discovery, understanding or developmental leap.
      For instance, seven-year-olds are beginning to understand something about separateness and mortality that they weren't ready to grasp when they were younger. Young children believe that the world begins and ends with them. Since they can't imagine a time when they didn't exist or won't exist, they can't truly understand the concept of death. Seven-year-olds, on the other hand, are less egocentric, and therefore are able to imagine that the world operates independent of their own experience. This opens up lots of possibilities for things to exist that they don't yet know about. And, it brings new meaning to the concepts of "separateness" and of "mortality."
      Your daughter may have had an experience while she was at her aunt's home that triggered some new thinking for her. Her aunt may have prohibited her from doing something that you allow her to do, and your daughter may have really understood for the first time that you are not omnipotent, that you can't help her with every experience she has, unless you are right there. Another possible experience could have been a frightening event, where, even if her aunt comforted her, she became keenly aware that no one can comfort her, listen to her, or understand her like you can. And, maybe, nothing significant happened, but the time away provided her with the opportunity to reflect on the fact that you and she are really separate. And a last possibility is that your daughter may have begun to reflect on what it was like to be without you, and then to imagine what it would be like if you never came back. Again, these kinds of new thoughts don't have to be related to traumatic events-they can easily be brought on by your daughter's increased understanding about herself and the world around her.
      Another explanation for your daughter's fears is that just before a developmental leap, often children experience a period of vulnerability. Just as one-year olds can get clingy before they start walking, your daughter may be clingy as she is just about to embark on a new accomplishment or some new independence.
      Further, she may not be able to articulate the thoughts or fears she is having. When she says she "misses" you, that may be the closest she can get to explaining what is going on with her. It is very possible that she doesn't understand any more than you do what is happening for her.
      You seem to have ruled out the possibility that your daughter had a hurtful experience, and there are, in fact, many other explanations for a child's clinginess. However, it is important to stay open to all of the possible reasons. Here are some things you can do to help you and your daughter figure this out and work though to a place of increased confidence for her:
. Ask questions. You can ask your daughter a range of questions that might help her narrow down the causes of her feelings. These suggested questions shouldn't be asked all at once. You can use them as a reference when an appropriate talking time comes up.