"Mother Concerned About Interracial Dating"
: My 15 year old daughter wants to date a boy who is very nice and one she has known for several years, but he is Black (she is Caucasian). I didn't mind when they were 10-12, but dating in high school feels wrong to me in this situation. He is a good kid, but he has led her on before, then dumped her for someone else. I only see problems ahead for her, but how can I convey my feelings without alienating her completely? I am concerned by the fact that it would be a biracial relationship (we live in the south); the fact that he has a history of being a "player"; he is very mature (sexually) for his age; as well as the fact that he has dumped her before. I am worried that she would be willing to go back with someone who has hurt her more than once. I am worried that in this environment, she will be looked down upon for dating outside her race. How can I not let this get out of hand without coming down too hard? I am desperate for help! Thanks so much.
There are two significant issues to think about here. One is that you are concerned that your daughter is willing to participate in relationships where she might get hurt because a boy has led her on before. The other is your concern about her being in a biracial relationship. We will address your concerns separately in our answer.
Parents want their children to be able to make good decisions, to choose healthy relationships, to spend time with people who are honest and respectful of them. It is difficult for parents to see their children in situations that look like they are going to be hurtful.
Helping our children learn how to make good decisions starts young. We offer them opportunities to practice, we give them accurate information, we support them when they make mistakes and help them evaluate their decisions. As parents, we are always evaluating the possible risks of the decisions our children want to make. Our protective urges sometimes make it hard for us to allow our children important learning opportunities.
At fifteen, your daughter is working on understanding herself, her relationships, and her sexuality. She is also at a pivotal stage between her identity as a child in your family and as an adult in the world. She is evolving between the values she has learned in her family and the values she hopes to develop for herself as an individual. It is important at this stage in her development to keep communication open, to be respectful of her thinking and to support her to make many of her own decisions. She is still very influenced by what you think, even if she resists it, so it is important to clarify what you want to teach her at this stage. Here are some things to think about in regards to supporting her in developing healthy relationships:
. Keep communication open. Communication with your daughter is essential. Good communication has several aspects: careful listening, asking real questions, providing feedback and information. Listening to your teenager has many possible obstacles. You are probably both busy with your own schedules. The two of you may not simultaneously have the time or inclination to talk; one of you may be available and ready to talk when the other one isn't.
There may also be other distractions happening when you are together like TV, homework and the business of everyday life. You may have a history of conflict which makes one or both of you want to avoid talking.
When you want to talk to a teenager, you can't just wait for it to happen. Watch for the times your daughter seems to be ready to talk-driving in the car, just before bed, or just when you're sitting down to do "something else," and make it a priority to be available even if it's not a convenient time for you. You can also set up "dates" where you take a walk together, go shopping, or take your daughter out to lunch.
Listening to your daughter means putting your own concerns and ideas aside to really hear what she is thinking about, considering and struggling with. When she says, "I really like Dave," rather than responding with, "But he dumped you before!" You can help her explore her feelings: "What do you like about him?" Your daughter will sense if you are really interested in her perspective or not. The more she senses your interest and your trust, the more openly she will share with you.
If you decide to ask her some questions, it is important that they are not "preachy" questions, which translate as admonition or belittling. Examples of questions to avoid might be: "He dropped you before, aren't you worried that he is going to drop you again?" "He is such a player. How can you possibly like him?" or "He's no good for you. Whatever do you see in him?" In responding to these kinds of questions, your daughter can only feel defensive and attacked.
Questions which may help your daughter think about what she really wants in a relationship, and which will help her open up, sound more like these: "What do you want in a relationship with a boy?" "Which of those things do you get in your relationship with Dave?" "What are the things you like about going out with him?" "Are there things that are difficult about dating him?"
Open-ended questions are ones that you don't know the answer to before you ask them. You can also use neutral probes: "Tell me more about that." "Can you explain that to me?" "How do you feel about that?"
. Give your daughter feedback and share information with her. If, for instance, your daughter shares with you that she is in a relationship in which she is feeling pressured to do things she doesn't want to do, you can give her information and help her think about her options. "Many kids feel like they have to do what their boyfriend or girlfriend wants them to do, or else they will lose the relationship. I know that is a scary feeling. What do you think your choices are?" Or, "If you are looking for a relationship with someone who respects you, it is important not to let people treat you disrespectfully. When boys try to pressure you to do things, they are not respecting your decision. If you let them force you to do things you don't want to, the relationship isn't a respectful one."
. Model the kinds of relationships you want your children to have. Many of us, as parents, are in less than perfect relationships. It is essential that we work towards building respectful, healthy relationships to show our kids what they look like. If your relationship is not currently modeling what you want your daughter to see, it is important that work towards making the necessary changes in your life. Even if you haven't achieved them, you can let your daughter know that they are worth working towards. "Jim and I are seeing a counselor so that we can learn to be more respectful with each other."
Our children also see poor models of relationships in the world around them. Watching TV with your daughter and listening to the music she listens to will give you an opportunity to discuss the ideas about relationships that she picks up from her environment.
Issues to Consider in Biracial Relationships
It sounds like you are concerned about how your daughter will be perceived in her community if she is in a serious relationship with a person of a different race. We appreciate your honesty in sharing your feelings about this.
The tragedy of racism continues to plague our society, even today. It hurts all of the people who are touched by it-those who perpetuate it and those who are targeted by it. People of color have little choice about whether they are going to deal with it. It is a fact of life that impacts them from before they are born until after they are dead.
White people have more choice about whether they are going to take on the injustice of racism. However, they still experience the hurt of racism by being taught stereotypes which limit their understanding of and access to many important people in their communities. Courageous people, both black and white, have worked and are working to eradicate racism.
In thinking about your daughter, there are several important questions to ask yourself. How do you want her to make decisions about who her friends are going to be? Do you want her to learn to trust her own judgement or do you want her to care more about what other people say? Do you want her to learn to judge people based on how they look and what groups they belong to or on the basis of their character? Is it all right with you that she denounces a friendship because her friendship is unpopular with others?
It is natural to want to protect your daughter from the injustice in the world, but it is essential to ask yourself if you can better protect her by asking her to go along with it or by asking her to stand up for fairness. Here are some things you can think about as you help your daughter deal with racism:
. Talk to her about racism. It is not clear how explicit you have been with your daughter in talking about racism, but it is clear that it has had an impact on her and on her friend's experiences. It is important that she has a framework from which to think about it. She needs to know that it is caused and perpetuated by an imbalance of power and by misinformation. It is not about one group of people being superior to another.
It is also important that you explain to your daughter that she lives in a community in which prejudice exists and that she may experience some of that prejudice if she decides to date a person of color. You can then discuss with her some ways of dealing with prejudice if those situations come up.
. Help your daughter think about the boys she dates, based on who they are as people, rather than on what their ethnicity, race or culture is. It is crucial that your daughter has permission to choose her boyfriends on the basis of who they are. If she feels pressure not to date someone, she may express her autonomy by insisting on dating him, even if he is not the right guy for her. This is a critical time for her to learn how to make good decisions about her relationships, and to figure out what she really values in people. Pressure to date or not to date someone on the basis of their ethnicity will be very confusing to her as she is learning to make authentic decisions.
. Find support for yourself in dealing with your own fears. Obviously, you want the best for your daughter. It is hard to think about her having to face discrimination and struggle because of her choices of friends or boyfriends. However, the price of asking her to go along with a system which treats the people she cares about unfairly may be even more costly to her sense of safety. See if you can find some friends who will support you in dealing with your fears and support your daughter in choosing her friends on the basis of who they are rather than what they look like.
Working with your daughter to understand racism and fight against it may be the most powerful thing you can do to ensure her safety in the long run. No member of a community is safe until all members of that community are safe.
