"Toddler Not Interested In Mama"

: My son is 17 months old and seems to want nothing to do with me. I am a stay at home mom and I try to spend as much time interacting with my child as possible, making his days fun and educational, but he seems to always prefer others over me. I just returned from a 3 day shopping trip, hoping that my little guy would light up when he saw me, but instead he just wanted past me to get into the car and pretend to be driving. He then spends the rest of the night going to my husband with all his needs. All the other mothers that I am friends with say they have never seen a child act like this. My husband works long hours at his job each day and then on the weekends usually stays busy with his own interests but he is and has always been the favorite parent.

There are several possible explanations for your son's behavior, many of which fit with normal, healthy child development and are not indicative of a child's failed attachment. Children sometimes prefer one parent to another because of a "temperament" match. A child who is busy, high energy and gregarious may prefer a parent who is similar. Likewise a child who is observant, slow-to-warm and fond of routine may feel more comfortable with a parent with the same temperament.
      A child's developmental stage may also affect which parent he is more drawn to. Many children go through various stages of preferring one parent or another and then switching back and forth.
      Another explanation for your son's behavior is that some children tend to "take-for-granted" the parent that is there most of the time and be excited about and drawn to the parent or other people who are "newer" or available less often. He doesn't have to show that he is glad to see you because he assumes you'll always be there.
      Yet another explanation may have to do with parental behavior. Some parents find it easier to move at a child's pace than others do. Some tend to be naturally more playful and able to get on the child's level. Either by temperament or experience certain parents seem to be "naturals."
      Finally, we can also develop "self-fulfilling prophecies" as parents. A parent may get the notion that her child doesn't like her and then be only able to focus on the behavior which proves her belief and forget all the many times her child connects with her.
      In situations where there is a real problem with attachment between parent and child there are other explanations. One is fear on the part of the parent of bonding with a child. This could be because of issues from the parent's own childhood or experiences of loss the parent has had. Another reason a parent may subconsciously distance herself from a child may be that the child reminds her of a family member she dislikes or of something about herself or another person that she dislikes. Another reason for failure of a child to bond with a parent may be that the parent has so many of her own issues to deal with that she doesn't have time, energy or resources for her child.
      To help you sort through what may be going in your family, consider the following:
. Observe your son throughout the day. Try standing back a little so you can really observe your son. When does he come to you? It may be that his way of showing that he cares about you is more a more subtle communication than you are used to.
     Look also at what kinds of things interest him. Are you open to the ideas and activities he initiates? Can you spend time really slowing down and following his lead and interests? You may decide you want to go for a walk with him, but then discover that his interest is in the squished bug on the driveway. Your entire walk could be spent doing dead bug research. Obviously, your whole day won't be spent at toddler pace, but making sure that there are several interludes when he gets to "take the lead" can support his interest in spending time with you.
. Don't assume his "disinterest" means he doesn't care about you. Most likely your son is very attached to you. He may even become "clingy" during a particular stage, or he may continue on with his "self-contained" style. The important thing is that you continue to be steady, consistent and responsive to him. He needs your reliable presence, even if he doesn't show it. Young children "count on" their familiar people to be there for them.
. Take the opportunity to teach him about unconditional love. It is important that you don't meet your son's behavior with rejection. He doesn't yet know the parameters of the mother/child relationship. Your predictable, reassuring, committed, loving presence teaches him that your love is unconditional; that he can't make it go away even if he behaves in ways that disappoint you.
. Children may seem to ignore you when you return from an unusual separation. It is not uncommon for children to "ignore" a parent who has come back from a trip and to continue using the other parent (or caregiver) for support for a period of time after the traveling parent returns. While many parents assume their child is mad at them for being gone, it is more often the case that children need some time to warm up to you after a separation. They have grown accustomed to the relationship they have with their caregiver and need to switch to interact in the unique way they do with you.
. Get help if you feel that your son is truly not bonded. If you feel concerned that for some reason, you son is not "attached" or "bonded" to you, it is important to seek outside help. A child development expert or a child therapist or psychologist may be able to observe your son alone and together with you to give you some insight about what is happening.