"5-Year-Old Doesn't Want To Go To School"
: I have a 5-year-old boy who has just started school. He is crying and I have to physically put him on the bus. Before school in the morning he complains of a stomach-ache or of being tired. He gets plenty of sleep, at least 10 hours. He is fine when he gets to school as I have spoken with his teacher. The mornings are crazy and very upsetting to all. He has to go to school and if I start to drive him he will never get on a bus. Please advise.
It sounds like this is difficult for both you and your son. Beginning school, even for children who have attended child care for years, is a big and sometimes challenging adjustment for both children and parents. There are new children to get to know, a new teacher, a new structure, new rules, new expectations, a new schedule, and a new way to get dropped off. There are usually lots of older kids to interact with.
Your first task is to figure out what your son is upset about. Children can't always tell us what is troubling them, so you need to use a combination of verbal and non-verbal cues. Once you have made a guess about what your son is upset about, you can work to figure out ways to help him and you through this transition.
. Talk to your son. Choose a time when you are not in the throws of trying to get ready for school to talk to your son about what is happening. Try to stay open to hearing his ideas about what is upsetting him. Share your observations with him and ask him open-ended questions. Here's a sample dialogue:
If you are unable to figure out through talking to him what the source of his anxiety is, you may need to try to observe parts of his day to see what you can see. If you took part of a day off of work, you could ride the bus with him and spend some time observing him in his classroom. This might give you more information about what is hard for him.
Sometimes the unstructured parts of the day can be challenging for young children-lunch time, bathroom time, recess and other yard time. Watching during those times could be informative, as well.
. Deal with your own feelings. It can be difficult to listen to your son's concerns. You may be feeling impatient because your mornings have been so hard. You may be worried for your son about what he has to face or about whether he can cope with his challenges. Your son's situation may be reminding you of struggles you have had in your life that you didn't get a chance to resolve. Taking time to talk to a friend or a professional, or writing in a journal may help you to deal with your own feelings so that you can be present to help your son with his challenges.
. Work on solutions. Once you know what the problem is, you can begin to come up with solutions. If kids are teasing or bullying on the bus, it provides you and your son an opportunity to develop a list of possible strategies to deal with the situation. This is an important process. You may have lots of useful ideas, but it is also helpful if you son gets the chance to come up with ideas himself. At another time you and your son could come up with a variety of things he could do, including getting on the bus with a friend or sitting with a friend, having you talk to the school officials, talking to the kids he is afraid of with you there to help, writing a note to the bus driver, principal, or to the teasing kids describing the problem. It is useful for your son to know that there are a variety of solutions to any problem.
. Provide opportunities for you son to deal with his feelings and fears. When children develop stomachaches as a way to avoid something difficult, it is important to make sure that they have other avenues to get their needs met, or to get attention or to express their feelings. In some families the only justifiable way to get attention is to be sick, therefore, that is that avenue that children learn to use when they have any unmet need. Make it clear to your son that he can always talk to you is something difficult is going on with him and that you will always make time for him. You might even want to develop a special phrase to use with each other which means, "This is really important. I need your attention, soon."
Also, it is important not to take stomachaches lightly. Whether he is really sick; whether his stomach is tense because he is upset; or whether he knows that you have to let him stay home if he is sick, a stomachache complaint shouldn't be just ignored. Make note of when his stomachaches seem to come and check with a doctor to be sure that it isn't something physical
