"Helping Children Work Through Conflict"
I'm feeling really inadequate. Every time my three-year-old gets into a fight with her friends or her brother, I feel tongue-tied and frustrated. I know there must be things I can do to help them, but I haven't yet figured them out. I don't want to "solve" every problem for them, but when I leave them to figure it out themselves, it seems like someone always gets hurt. I have a feeling that if I could learn how to help her with this that she would have a lot easier time in school -- and probably, in life. Do you have some suggestions for me?
-- Dad in Denver
It can be really unnerving to be tongue-tied in the middle of a fight between three-year-olds. And yet, many of us find ourselves in that position, not having learned effective conflict resolution skills ourselves. The good news is that we can learn them along with our children -- and they surely will give us many opportunities to practice. We also agree with you that the skills she learns in her relationships now will serve her for the rest of her life.
In thinking about children's conflicts, we begin with several basic assumptions:
. Every conflict between children is an opportunity for growth and learning.We recommend several tools for helping children work through conflict. Most center around what may be new, and useful communication strategies. Although they appear here in a list, they are to be used as needed, not in a particular order.
. Many conflicts between children come from an attempt to play together and are not really about "toys."
. An adult's best role in children's conflict is that of support person, facilitator, safety net, and provider of tools -- rather than arbitrator.
. An adult needs to feel genuine empathy for each of the children in the conflict in order to facilitate it effectively.
. Ensure children's safety. The first step in any conflict resolution is to make sure that children aren't being hurt or in danger of being hurt. This means that you may have to move in quickly and calmly, using your body to stop a bite, move hitting children slightly away from each other or immobilize a truck that is about to be thrown. You can tell children what you are doing: "I'm going to stop you from biting Jessica." "I'm stopping you so you don't throw that truck. It could hurt someone."
. Use sportscasting. Children who are engrossed in a conflict usually can't see what is actually going on. It can be useful to non-judgmentally describe what you see happening. Sportscasting can also calm children down, because they feel heard and acknowledged. Sportscasting sounds like this: "Hugh had the shovel and you took it and now Hugh is crying," or "I see both of you holding on to that blanket and screaming."
. Practice active listening. Often in a conflict, people scream and hit because they don't believe anyone is listening to them. Ironically, when they are in that state, they can't listen to anyone else, either. When a third party comes in to listen and give voice to the feelings and ideas being expressed, children can feel heard and be more open to the other person's perspective. Active listening involves giving words to non-verbal communication or reframing verbal communication: "I see you crying. It looks like you are feeling sad." "I see you reaching for that blanket. It looks like you really want it." "I hear you calling your friend a dummy. You sound like you are mad."
. Reframing. Most of us are less articulate when we are having intense feelings. Children start with limited vocabularies and often end up in a conflict without the words they need. You can assess what you think children are trying to say and offer alternatives. Here are some examples:
Child: You're a poopoo!. Use redirection. Redirection means offering children positive alternatives to the unsuccessful methods they are trying to use in a conflict. Usually, when children are fighting, you will be redirecting them to use words, rather than their bodies to express themselves. After stopping the hurtful behavior you can offer another way to express the same idea: "I'm going to stop you from kicking Kevin. You can tell Kevin that it hurts your feelings when he calls you 'dummy.'" "I can't let you push Jocelyn off the slide, but you can tell her, 'Move, please, I'm sliding now.'"
Adult: If you don't want him in the wagon, you can say, 'Please move.'Child: 'Doooooooooooon't!!
Adult: You could tell her, 'Don't take that play-doh. I'm still playing with it.'Child: I hate you!
Adult: You could tell him, 'I don't like it when you push me off the platform. It hurts.'Child: You can't come to my birthday party! I'm never going to play with you again.
Adult: You sound mad that Micah won't let you play here. You could tell him, 'I don't like it when you won't let me play.'
. Give information. Sometimes, children lack simple information about human relationships or the effects of their actions: "When you bite Bo, it hurts and she cries." "When you call people names, it can hurt their feelings." "If you want the book he is reading, you could bring him another one to see if he wants to trade."
. State the problem. It is difficult to think of solutions if you don't know what the problem is. Children may think that the problem is the child who is trying to grab their puzzle and that the logical solution would be to get the other child out of there. Letting children know that the problem is that there are two children who want to play with a puzzle and only one puzzle, allows them to bring their creative thinking to developing a solution.
. Help children brainstorm different solutions. Once you define the problem, you can ask children to help come up of solutions: "Two children want to play with puzzles and there is only one puzzle. What shall we do?" After waiting to see if children can come up with ideas, you could help direct their focus. "Are there any more puzzles here?" "Can two people work on one puzzle?" "Could one person work on the truck and another on the road?"
. Ask for help from other children. Children may be more open to the ideas of their peers than ours. Also, for children who are observing a conflict, it can be empowering and reassuring to be able to so something to help: "Becca, both of these children want a puzzle and there is only one puzzle, can you help think of a solution?" or "Do you know if there are any more puzzles?"
For more ideas on resolving conflicts between children, click here.
