"Getting Into Angry Fights With My 8-Year-Old"

: I cannot seem to discipline My 8-Year-Old daughter without a huge fight. She gets angry, then I get angry and we both say things that should not be said. I feel she doesn't have respect for me. I don't want this to become something we carry over into the teen years. Please help me.

Anger is one of the most challenging emotions that both parents and children have to deal with. Many adults have never learned healthy strategies to deal with their own anger, and consequently find their children's anger doubly hard to respond to. The fact that you are recognizing that you and your daughter have some things to learn about anger expression and management is an important first step for both of you.
      8 Year-Old children are striving to be individuals in the world. They are becoming clearer and clearer that their family doesn't hold the only belief system. They are fascinated with peers and the larger cultural mandates. They are attempting to be independent at the same time that they are desperately dependent on their families for nurturing, resources and almost everything else. This pre-pubescent straddling of independence and dependence can cause tension, confusion and frustration for kids-and it often gets expressed as anger. This anger frequently gets expressed towards parents (the safest, most readily available target.)
      Parents face unique challenges with their children around anger. Parents are more vulnerable to, invested in and concerned with their own children than they are in any other relationship. As a result, our children's feelings are likely to be harder for us to deal with than anyone else's. We generally have less perspective when it comes to our own children and we often feel responsible for what they feel. Also, since most children don't come with the ability to articulate emotions clearly, it can be challenging to accurately assess what they are feeling and to respond appropriately. Finally, it can difficult for us to separate our own emotions from those of our children.
      Here are some things to think about as you and you daughter strive to develop new skills for dealing with anger:
. Expect anger. Many of us have learned that anger is a bad emotion which good people don't have. When we operate on this premise, we tend to use denial and suppression when our inevitable angry feelings arise. Then when we can't contain it any longer, we blow up and feel out of control. If we can learn that anger exists as one in a range of healthy emotions, we can be more accepting of our own and our children's angry feelings. This allows us to be more conscious and in control of how we choose to express our anger.
. Think about where your daughter's anger is coming from. At one time or another most parents try to "take the blame" for their children's anger. When our kids start yelling at us and calling us names we go straight to the places we feel the most guilty. "Maybe, I haven't set enough limits with her." "Maybe I've set too many." "Maybe I don't even know how to set appropriate limits." Or, "I haven't been spending enough time with her." And then we tend to respond with anger at our child for "making us feel guilty." While it may be true that our kids would enjoy and benefit from more time with us, that is probably only a small part, if any, of what they are really upset about. They may be feeling frustrated with things in school: friendships, homework, whether they will get picked for a team. They may be feeling the push for independence and the best way they can think to establish it is to actively push away from us. If we can avoid "taking it personally," we may be better able to help our children sort out their complicated feelings and prevent our own anger from building up.
. Remember that anger is often a secondary emotion. Children and other people often choose anger as the vehicle to express a number of other emotions. Somehow, anger doesn't leave us feeling as vulnerable as sadness, fear, frustration, rejection, or confusion. If we treat our children's raging outbursts only as a sign of anger, we may miss many other important feelings they are trying to express. If you stay with a child who is "angry" and manage to keep your own anger from building up, you will most often discover more feelings underneath your child's anger, after the "steam has been burned off." You can even invite your child to think about other feelings she may be having as she starts to wind down. "I know you have been feeling very mad. I wonder if you have any other feelings." or "As well as looking mad, you also look sad."
      This can be useful to remember for ourselves, as well as for our children. When we look under our own angry feelings, we are likely to find feelings of inadequacy, guilt, fear, sadness, frustration and confusion.
. Work to figure out what you can and can't control. When our children are in the middle of an angry outburst, often our first urge is to try to "stop" their feelings. As many of us have discovered, that is usually not possible. We still have an enormous amount of control, however, because we can control how we respond. If you can get enough perspective on your daughter's feelings that you don't end up mad yourself, you can help her through her struggle. If you do get mad yourself, you still get to control how you express your anger (and other feelings.) "I feel hurt when you call me names and say I don't care about you. I want to hear about how you are feeling. Can you tell me in another way?" "I can't let you throw breakable things when you are mad, but I do want to know how you are feeling. Let's figure out something else for you to do that is safe and still feels like a good way to express your feelings."
. Remember that you can prevent the build-up of anger, as well as learn positive ways to express it. Once we acknowledge that we do, indeed, experience feelings of anger, we can begin to recognize the build-up of our anger. If anger is a "10" we can learn to read if we are moving from a 2 to a 4 to a 6 and can do some things to express our feelings before we are at full-blown fury. "I'm feeling really frustrated by your yelling right now. I'm going to go into my room to take a break. I'll be back in 5 minutes if you want to talk to me then." "I don't want to be called those names. If you can tell me how your are feeling in a different way, I would like to stay and listen. If not, I'm going to go into the kitchen to start working on dinner. When you can talk to me without calling me names, come on in and we'll finish this conversation." You may need to remind your child of the limit (several times), but if you understand that she needs to figure out if you really mean it, you may be able to muster the patience to keep reminding her without getting furious yourself.
      As well as averting your own anger in a moment of confrontation, you can also think about how to keep yourself in good emotional shape. What is it that helps you feel better about yourself and stronger as a parent? Taking time for yourself? Spending time with friends? Exercise? Movies? Gardening? Hiking? Seeing a therapist regularly? Getting a massage? The better shape you are in the easier it will be to learn positive ways to deal with your anger.
. Discuss the topic of anger with your daughter. It is very helpful to talk with your daughter about anger when you are not in the middle of a heated conflict. Tell her that you want both of you to learn better, safer, non-hurtful ways to express your anger. Brainstorm with her some different possibilities. You might come up with guidelines like, "You can raise your voice as long as you don't say hurtful things. If you accidentally say hurtful things, you can take them back and try again." You can bang on the couch cushions with the plastic bat, but no throwing things or hitting people." Only you and she will be able to come up with the best ways to safely and effectively express your feelings.
. Practice, make a plan. Once you and your daughter figure out the guidelines for anger in your family, you can practice. You could even use puppets or stuffed animals to pretend with.
. Don't be afraid to say you are sorry. Even with the best-laid plans, we may still fall into old habits. Remember that you can always apologize and think together about a better way you could have expressed what you were feeling.
. Talk to parents you admire. If you have a hard time thinking of ways to express anger positively, check in with parents or other friends you admire. Ask them if they have discovered healthy ways to deal with anger.