"New Stepparent Looking For Advice"

:My boyfriend has a four-year-old son whom he has every other weekend and for Wednesday visitation. We have been talking about living together and we're wondering how his son will respond to this situation and also how he will feel about me.

Your thoughtfulness about the upcoming change for this child will be very helpful as everyone makes the transition. I assume you have met and spent some time with your boyfriend's son, if not, that would be an important first step. A four-year-old doesn't fully understand the dynamics of adult relationships, so he will be mostly focused on how this change will affect him. Questions that come up for him (that he may or may not ask) might include: Will my dad still be my dad? Do I still get to spend special time with my dad? If somebody new moves in with my dad, does that make them my mother? Can I still love my mother and also like my dad's woman friend? Who is going to make decisions about me when I'm at my dad's? Will there still be room for me if my dad has a new relationship?
      Here are some things to consider as you move into this new arrangement:
. Talk to him ahead of time. Before you make the change, explain to him what you are planning. Explain it simply and wait to see if he has any questions. "Susanna is planning to live with us at this house. That means when you come on the weekend or on Wednesday, she will be here, also." You may also want to continue with what will change and what will stay the same. "The thing that will change is that Susanna will be here. The things that will stay the same are that we will still wrestle and play freeze tag. I'll still make you pancakes in the morning (except when we ask Susanna to make her special waffles.) I'll still read you stories and give you a hundred kisses before bed. The things that will change are that we now have Susanna to play with, also."
. Give him some time. If he asks questions, it is useful to answer as honestly you can, however, it will really take some time for him to experience what the change means before he fully understands it. It's important to give him time to adjust, to get to know you, to learn to feel comfortable in this new family structure.
. Allow for a variety of feelings. He may feel excited, pleased, confused, scared, angry, or all of the above. Remember that his feelings are in response to his ideas about what the change will mean and not about you personally. If you give him room to feel what he is feeling, he will come to trust you as someone who can accept him for who he is, and his feelings will inevitably change. It is not uncommon for four-year-olds to cycle through "hating" everyone they have ever felt close to. They are experiencing strong emotions and also experimenting with the effect of their feelings on others. It is important to take them seriously, however, not always literally.
. Think about the quality of the adult relationships. In addition to time, another factor which will help a child make a successful adaptation to a family change is the quality of relationship between the child's important adults. When adults are caring and respectful with each other and comfortable with themselves, children are apt to feel safe and secure. Children pick up immediately on tension and stress around them. When adults are angry, depressed or continuously in conflict, children can feel insecure and afraid. In addition, it is essential to successful step-families and blended families that children never feel like they have to choose one adult over another. They need to know that they can fully love and appreciate all of the adults in their lives without diminishing or threatening any of those relationships.
      One of the ways we communicate this to children is to talk inclusively about their other parent and to let them know that we value their relationship with their parent (in this case, his mother).
. Spend time getting to know him. If it works for you and he to spend some special time together, you will have an opportunity to begin to build your relationship. While it is fun to go on special outings, sometimes just hanging out with him and his toys can afford rich interaction for play and getting to know and trust one another. Also, outings to the park, playground, hiking or the beach offer more chance for interaction than outings to movies, family fun centers or amusement parks.
      If it is comfortable with his other parent, you could even work to keep contact with him when he is not with you. Kids love to get cards and postcards in the mail. Letting him know that you think about him when you are not together helps him see that he is important to you.
. He and his dad need special time together. It may be a big change for him to have to share his dad with someone else during his visits. Since his time with dad is somewhat limited, it is important that the two of them get time alone, as well as all of you spending time as a threesome. At first, your boyfriend's son may have trouble letting the two of you talk to each other when he is around. Gradually, he will be more comfortable and eventually, will be able to tolerate you and Dad having a conversation in front of him, which doesn't involve him.
. Let your relationship develop slowly. Many young children take their time getting to know new people. You and he will both be finding your way in your relationship. It is important that you are clear that you don't have to be his "mother." Your relationship may evolve into a parent/child relationship, but that will happen over much time. If he has another mother, it is crucial that you and he understand that your intention is never to replace her, but just to be another special person in his life--another team member on his "team of parents."
      Af first it is best for you not to "discipline" him when his dad is around, although, it is important that you take care of yourself and keep yourself safe in relationship with him. (If you are alone with him, however, it is important that he knows that you will enforce the limits necessary to keep you and him safe.) If you have a conflict with him or feel like he needs some limits, you can let him know how you are feeling about it and then tell him that the two of you will check with his dad. "I don't feel like it is safe for you to be hanging on that curtain rod. Let's check with your dad to see what his idea is about it."
      Over time, going slowly, the two of you will learn about each other and find your way with each other and develop your own unique relationship.