Question of the Week


"Helping Toddlers Play Successfully"

:I am the parent of a one-year-old boy and am trying to get some answers regarding his behavior. He is 14-months-old and I quit working to stay home and raise him. He has interaction with other children close to his age about twice a week. When another child tries to take a toy away he cries and runs to find me. He is really good about giving a toy to another child but if they take something he was playing with, it is all over. While the other children are playing nicely with each other, mine is either crying or wanting me to hold him while he watches the other kids play. My son is our only child and well- meaning people are saying he needs to be put in daycare with other children. I am not sure what to do since I quit working because my husband and I thought it was for the best. Am I harming my child by being home with him? Is this normal? What should I do? I feel like I have done something wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your son sounds like a perfectly normal 14-month-old. Infants and toddlers don't yet have sophisticated social skills. They learn them through practice with other children, by watching other children play, and through being coached by parents and teachers. There are many ways children can get this social experience. Playgroups with other parents and children provides a fine opportunity for practice. It is helpful if these groups meet at least weekly (or more often, as yours does). Child care in small groups with consistent, trained staff provides another way for children to practice social skills. Playing regularly with other children in the neighborhood or extended family is another way. It is certainly not necessary that you put your son in child care just to get practice at socialization. The fact that you and your husband are able to arrange for you to be home with him is a gift.
      In addition to spending time with other children, there are some other things you can do to support your son in learning social skills:
. Learn about your son's learning style. You have noticed that your son responds differently to social situations than some of the other children. This is not an indication that there is something wrong with him or with you. This is merely an indication of his particular learning style, personality, temperament or age. Your son may learn more by observing than he does by jumping right in. He may take more time to warm up to a situation than other children do. This does not mean that he is not social or that he doesn't enjoy the company of other children. It just means that he has his own style of learning. Knowing how he learns will help you set up appropriate social situations for him. It will also give you some idea of how to help him learn to interact with the other children.
. Choose social situations which match his style. Children who are observant and slower to warm are often more comfortable in small, familiar groups of children. In large, active groups with changing children, your son may have to spend even longer observing or staying close to you because there is so much for him to watch and figure out. If you can set up a small, familiar group, it won't take him as long to feel safe and ready to join the play. You may also want to choose groups that have a few children with quieter temperaments for your son to get to know. However, you don't need to look for a group that completely matches his temperament. It is also important for him to get to know children with different personalities as well.
. Support his interactions with peers. Your son's reaction to having toys taken from him is a normal, healthy response. Crying and retreating to the safety of your arms gives him a chance to express his feelings, to regroup and to learn more about the other children through watching. Other normal toddler responses are yelling, holding on tight to the toy, or hitting, biting or shoving the aggressor. We hope that by the time children have entered kindergarten they have developed some other skills to ask for toys, play together and communicate their disappointment. But they don't learn these skills automatically. Here are some ways we can help them.

Describe to your son what happened. Often in the midst of a toddler conflict, children don't know quite what happened. If we just "sportscast" the event, kids can begin to sort out just what happened: "You were playing with the bucket and Shay came and took it. Now she is playing with it." We don't have to add any judgement or editorializing. A simple description is enough.

Help your son identify his feelings. Feelings come along and overtake toddlers. Toddlers don't know what feelings are, how long they will last or what they are called. If simply name their feelings for them, toddlers can begin to understand the responses they're having. "You look really sad (upset, frustrated, angry, confused). It looks like you still want that bucket." Or "You look mad that your bucket got taken away."

Offer him a suggestion of another way he can respond. Your son is responding in the only way he knows. You can offer him some alternatives. "You can tell Shay, 'I want that bucket.'" "You can say, 'No, don't take my bucket.'" "You can hold on tight to your bucket." Most likely, your son won't learn another response immediately, but if you consistently offer him the possibility, eventually, he may try. Staying close to him and to the other child in the conflict can help.

Interpret for him what the other child's idea is. Toddlers usually take toys from each other because they want to play together and don't have more sophisticated ways to communicate. You can offer the other child an alternative way of interacting. "Shay, it looks like you want to play with the bucket, too. You can ask Ben for it." Or, "It looks like Shay wants to play here, too. Ben, can you find another bucket for Shay?"

Give the process time. There is a lot to learn about how to play together; how to share; how to express your feelings and listen to the feelings of others; and how to negotiate different ideas. Children don't learn these through a couple of encounters. They need to have many successful and unsuccessful encounters before they really learn all of these skills. If parents are lucky, they will be able to learn some of these skills along with their children.