"2-Year-Old Doesn't Want Parents To Kiss"

:What do you suggest when your two-and-a-half year old does not like her daddy to touch mommy in the morning when she just wakes up and comes into our room. This has hurt my husband's feelings and he has told our daughter that he does not like it. This then hurts her feelings and I'm stuck in the middle. I wish I could explain it to both of them. Please help.

Many couples with young children experience similar distress from their children when they try to talk, hug, or kiss. There are several reasons that children become uncomfortable or needy when their parents try to spend time together. Two-year-olds live in the moment. They can't even really imagine that there will be a future. This makes all kinds of sharing difficult. Your daughter doesn't know that when you are done hugging daddy that there will be time or hugs left over for her. To her it may look like you are giving your only hugs away.
      Another interesting phenomenon is that children may seem apparently uninterested interacting with us until we start talking, hugging or interacting with another person in their presence. Until we actually start having an interaction, they don't feel left out. Further complicating the situation is the fact that young children often can't focus on more than one person at a time. So when your daughter want you, she doesn't really see her dad (except as a barrier to getting to you). This doesn't mean that she doesn't love her father or care for him. It just means, that in the moment she can't pay attention to her feelings for him and protect her relationship with you at the same time. As she grows and develops, it will be easier for her to keep both of these things in focus at the same time, and she will become more relaxed with your and Dad's interactions.
      Here are some things your family can do in the meantime to help everyone be more comfortable:
. Plan to include her in cuddling when possible. She is probably not as concerned with having you all to herself as she is with feeling excluded from the hugging. If you and she are snuggling together, you can initiate hugging daddy by saying, "Help me hug your daddy. Do you want this arm or his face?" Or, "Let's cover daddy with kisses. You take that side and I'll take this side." Or, if daddy wants to initiate the activity, he could say, "I'm coming over to kiss you and your mom. How about if I start with your little toes? Then you can help me give her hugs while I give her a kiss."
. Give her short opportunities to practice being with you when she doesn't get your undivided attention. It is also important that your daughter have a few experiences when she isn't specifically included. They should be short and fewer than the ones when she is included, until she gets a little older and can wait better.
. Let her know ahead of time when you are going to be interacting with someone else. Before you begin a phone call or go over to give Dad a big hug, it can be useful to let your daughter know your plans. That way she won't feel taken by surprise and may be able to plan something she can do while she is waiting for you. "I'm going over to give daddy a hug, 'Hello.' You can keep playing on your slide if you want." Or, "I need to make a quick phone call. Let's get out your train for you to play with while I'm talking."
. Use the "sandwich approach." Because it is hard for children to remember that they will get a turn with us when we are interacting with someone else, you can make a plan with your child to spend some time together before and after the time you will be "gone." "Daddy and I are going to talk about my day at work. Would you like to tell us about your day before we start talking? Then, after we are done talking, you might have something else to tell us or you could help daddy make dinner."
. Plan for time with dad and daughter together. It is not uncommon at different times for children to "prefer" one parent over the other. Often this is the parent who spends more time with the child. It is important in these situations that the less-favored parent spends consistent time with the child, including time that is just the two of them. The more time spent together, the stronger the relationship will be and the easier it will be for that parent to feel included and connected. It also helps the child to get more comfortable and to see that parent as a full and capable parent who can meet the child's needs.
. Dad has an opportunity to teach unconditional love. In the "less favored parent" scenario, there is a wonderful opportunity to teach the child about the definition of parenthood. Your two-year-old daughter hasn't been around very long. She doesn't know all there is to know about parents. She doesn't yet know that her parents are going to be her parents for her lifetime and that they are going to love her and care for her in all circumstances, no matter how frustrated they are with her behavior. She doesn't yet know that unconditional love stays with you no matter what. Dad has the opportunity to demonstrate this to her. When she is pushing him away, it is fine for him to share that it hurts his feelings, or that he doesn't like it. However, if he gets very upset about it, it may communicate to his daughter that parent/child love is tenuous and can be undermined. If dad can hang in there, remembering that their relationship is going to be strong and long-lasting, even though there may be rocky times, he can demonstrate unconditional love. "I know you don't want to hug me right now. You can let me know when you are ready. I have a big hug waiting for you."