"8-Year-Old Has No Sports Temperament"

:My 8 year old son, DJ, doesn't seem interested in sports or other physical activiies. He loves to read and play alone, although, he does have two very good friends. I really enjoyed sports as a kid and I'm worried that he is missing the physical activity, the challenge and the teamwork. I'm sure if I didn't make him go outside, he'd stay inside for days. Should I be concerned? Is there anything I can do?

It sounds like your son has a very different temperament than you do. While you enjoy the outdoors, physical activity and working with a group, your son seems to enjoy solitude, the company of one or two good friends and indoor, introspective activities. This presents several challenges to a parent. The first challenge may be letting go of our own expectations about how our children are supposed to be. Another challenge is fguring out ways to understand and support a person who is very different from you. Finally, a question is, "Do you just let the person be, or are they ways we can help expand and broaden their intrests and possibilities?"
      One of the things we know about temperament is that people are born with it. While other things change about a person as they grow, their temperament stays fairly constant throughout their life. There are ways people can make adaptations and learn to manage aspects of their personality, but a person's basic temperament doesn't change.
      Given this, here are some ways parents can support their children to develop into well-rounded adults.
. Get to know your child's temperament. It sounds like you have really been observing and learning about your child. This can be hard to do, especially when a child is unlike you. We tend to assume that the rest of the world has the same temperament/outlook that we do, and when we find someone different, we may think that they just need some time to come around to our way of looking at things. Really learning about another person's natural way of being in the world takes time, focus and attention.
. Get to know your own temperament and think about the ways you are different and similar to your child. Understanding your child's temperament necessitates that you first identify your own. Do you love being around a crowd or would you rather be alone? Do you enjoy change, surprises and adventure or would you rather things were very predictable and stable? Do you jump into new situations ready to go or do you need to take some time to observe and warm up? Would you rather go on a ski trip or work on a project at home? These are some of the temperament continums (for more on temperament see.....) Once you know about your own temperament and you understand that these qualities in people are neither "good" nor "bad," you will be in a better position to learn about a child who is not like you.
. Think about what you want your child to learn. Even when you understand your child's temperament, there are still things that you feel are important for him to learn and experience. Getting clear, as you have, about the real value of sports can help you figure out ways to provide experiences for your son which fit his temperament. You aren''t saying that he has to play football, because that was your sport. Instead, you want him to have some "physical activity, challenge and teamwork," which could be accomplished in lots of different ways.
. Build on your son's strengths to find creative ways for him to have experiences you value for him. Your son's favorite activity sounds like it is reading. .Does he have a place where he could read outside? Could you help him find books about sports, physical activities and other stories about challenge? Would he be interested in a field guide to bugs or plants that he could take hiking with hm?
      Another way to discover his interests is to watch carefully what he does do? Do he and his friends wrestle around the house? Does he show any interest in watching or playing some sport? Often kids are interested in the physical activity, itself, but are reticent to join because of the pressure to win or perform. Offering him a non-competetive way to participate in some sports activity could give him a chance to pursue his interest safely.
      You can talk to him and ask him if there is something he might like to try. If he is slow to warm up to new things, you could offer to take him to go and watch, at first. Another possibility would be to have him go and try something new with one of his good friends. One mother talked about her daughter who was very intested in learning tennis, but was adamant that she didn't want to be on a competetive tennis team. Her mom ended up hiring a college student to give lessons to her and her friend.
      You may also discover that it is easier for him to experience physical activity and teamwork through different activities. He and one or two of his good friends might want to work on building a fort or another project around the house. He might discover that he likes individual sports like swimming, biking or hiking and could get his physical activity that way.
. Holding the balance. Keeping the balance between his natural tendencies, his interests and your hopes and goals for him is not always clear. If you have experiences or lessons that you really want for him, it is important that you present them in a way that doesn't make him a failure or a disappointment for not wanting to do them. Instead, presenting a variety of options and getting his input about his interests will allow you to share what is important to you at the same time you are valuing his individuality as a person.