"Toddler Struggling With Changes"

:My nineteen-month-old daughter has just recently become extremely irritable. She is content for only a minute or two and then becomes very fussy. I have just recently gone part-time at my job. Prior to last month, she was with my husband's aunt and four other children while my husband and I both worked full time. She was a happy, healthy, funny, bright little girl until last week.
      I am also concerned because we have recently taken in a friend who was injured in a car accident and is unable to walk. He is staying in what used to be her playroom. I know that both of these things are causing her new behavior, but I just feel helpless in dealing with it. I know that our daughter will adjust to our new schedule, and I am trying very hard to stick to routines at home because I know that that is what she is used to with her aunt. However, I know that our new living situation, although temporary, is having such a terrible impact on her. I just don't know what to do. Please help.

Toddlers take the short view of the world. Because of their inability to see time in a longer view and because of their limited experience, they can become very confused when changes occur in their routine or their immediate experience. You are probably right about the causes of her upset. Even though having you home with her is a wonderful change, she isn't used to it, and may feel confused. The situation with your injured friend probably affects her indirectly, more than it does directly. At her young age, she isn't able to understand fully or worry about the seriousness of his injuries. She is, however, sensitive to your concern or sadness about him, and may be affected by the amount of attention you give to him. She may also wonder what happened to her playroom, but that is probably not as big an impact on her as it might be on an older child or adult.
      Another possible cause for her irritability is normal development. Toddlerhood is often a time for a loss of the "innocence" of babyhood. At nineteen months, your daughter is entering the age when children experience a lot of frustration just trying to tackle all of the challenges of growing up. At this stage, she is figuring out that she is separate from her important people. This task involves lots of defiance and saying "no," alternating with clinginess, whininess and dependence.
      It may be that your daughter's irritability is a combination of all of these different factors. Here are some suggestions for helping her deal with the changes in her life:
. Keep as much consistency as possible. When we make changes in children's lives, it is important to keep as much consistency as possible. It sounds like you are working on keeping your daughter's schedule consistent from day to day. You may also want to incorporate some of the activities or routines that occurred at her aunt's house.
      If her playroom is occupied, you can set up smaller play spaces for her throughout the house. She can still have access to many of her same toys, just in different locations.
. Make change gradually, when possible. One of the ways you can help your daughter ease into her new schedule is to spend some time visiting her aunt. While you are both there, she can connect with her old friends as well as her aunt. Visiting will also give you an opportunity to observe more closely the routines and activities your daughter was used to there.
. Use pictures to remind her of her past experiences. While you are at her aunt's house, you can take pictures of her friends, her aunt and other favorite things. If you make these into a simple little plastic-covered photo book that she can carry around, it will help her remember these past events.
. Give yourself time to ease into being a "stay-at-home" mom. As stressful as it can be to be a "working" mom, it is not easy being a "stay-at-home" mom either, especially if you haven't had much practice. It will take both of you awhile to get into the groove of being together every day. You will gradually develop routines for spending time together and also for doing independent tasks, but developing this rhythm will take some trial and error. You may also find yourself longing for social interactions with adults. See what you can find in the way of parent-child playgroups or classes in your community. You may be able to find other parents who you can regularly meet at the park or in each other's homes.
. Support your daughter in developing a relationship with your new housemate. The more time she spends getting familiar with your new housemate, the more comfortable she will be with him. She may want to bring him water, crackers or towels. He may enjoy reading stories to her or singing songs with her.
. Give it time. Probably by the time this response reaches you, your daughter will have begun to settle into her new routine. It does take some time for young children to adapt to changes, but with our help, information and support they can weather and learn from these changes.