:My 7-year-old has turned into a "know-it-all" overnight. He tells me how to drive, when to get gas, how to recycle, how to keep our home fire safe. He contradicts me all the time. When we play cards, he insists he knows the rules and I don't. He takes everything I say literally. When I tell him I will help him with his homework in a minute, he comes yelling into my room 61 seconds later to tell me I'm late. It is driving me crazy. Will this ever end?
Your son is in that wonderful and challenging stage where he is rapidly learning and remembering all sorts of information about the world. He is thrilled to be able to comprehend all of these new concepts and excited to "show-off" his newfound knowledge and ability to understand things. The tricky thing is that he only has seven years of experience to help him understand all of the new information he is learning, so he tends to take the information at face value and hold tightly to literal meanings. He is beginning to really understand right and wrong and is convinced that there can only be one answer to any question and one right way to do things. Over the next several years he will be able to understand more about the "gray" areas, multiple solutions, and the underlying complexity of decision-making.
The backdrop against which this is happening is that your son has always believed (and still partially believes) that you know everything. When he challenges you he is doing two things. He is reminding himself how smart he is by correcting the person who knows everything. He is also testing you to see if you really do know everything.
This stage of development is often accompanied by the emergence of new fears. With his limited experience and his expanding capacity for learning new facts, he is likely to take much of the information he learns very personally. For instance, when he participates in a fire prevention unit at school and learns that piles of newspaper in the garage are a source of home fires, he may feel in imminent danger because of the pile of newspapers in his garage. He doesn't stop to think that the pile has been there for the last three years and nothing has happened. He takes the new information at face value and believes with all his heart that a fire is inevitable.
Here are some suggestions for successfully navigating this time with your seven-year-old:
. Invite his initiative. If your son has ideas about how things should be done, you can encourage him to do a project. He could be in charge of the fire safety clean-up project in the garage, including choosing a fire extinguisher to put up. It could be his responsibility to compare the gas prices at several local stations to help decide where to fill-up.
. Discuss his ideas with him. He is in the beginning stages of formulating his ideas-even though he puts them forward as though they were absolute. When your tells you that you have to get gas the minute your gas gauge falls below the one-quarter mark, ask him how he figured that out. Talk to him about how many gallons are in the tank and how many miles you might get to the gallon.
It might also be useful to discuss the worst case scenario with him: "Let's think about what would happen if we ran out of gas. What would our options be?" These kinds of discussions can help your son broaden his thinking so he'll eventually learn that there are many options, possibilities to consider, and different ways of thinking about things.
. Acknowledge his expertise and ask his opinion. Let him know that you value what he is learning and appreciate his efforts to share the information with his family. "Wow, you learned a lot about fire safety. I've forgotten a lot of what I knew about it. It is helpful to have all of your information. Do you think we need to make any changes in the kitchen to be sure that it is fire safe?" "Thanks for the driving tips. You've apparently been paying attention to good driving rules."
. Try to avoid defensiveness. It can be unnerving to have our expertise challenged at every turn. If you can remember that your son needs to flex his brain muscles, you may be able to avoid taking his comments personally. If you can respond to the helpful aspect of his criticism you may be able turn the interaction from an adversarial one into a cooperative one. "Wow, you really have a strong idea about the rules for this game. It is fine with me to play by your rules this time. Another time, we might want to use different rules."
. Help him learn about the different levels of meaning. When your son holds you to you literal message, you can respond in several ways. Humor is often a useful approach for parents and children in this stage. "Well, I said one minute, but what I really meant to say was "Wait a decade, I'll be right there."
You can also help your son learn about "expressions" that say one thing and mean another. "Wait a minute really means I'll be there as soon as I can, I'm doing something right now." You can also teach him about the "literal" meaning and the "implied" meaning of words. "When I say, 'Ready to clean up your room?' I'm really saying, 'Its time to clean up your room.'" You can also let him know that he is teaching you about how he understands things and that you will try to be clearer in your communication the next time.
