"Spunky 2-And-A-Half-Year-Old Girl"

:I have a beautiful strong two-and-a-half-year-old girl. The grandparents have various words to describe her: high spirited, strong willed, spunky, princess. Caterina is our youngest child; her brother is four. She bites and sticks out her tongue when she doesn't get her way, and refuses to sit for time-outs. Recently, she ran from me twice in a very public place. Caterina doesn't follow directions, pretty much thinks she should do things her way, the only way!
      Caterina tells me "I hate you" if she gets a talking to. She pitches a fit when doesn't have our complete attention. Yesterday, her grandma put her down for a nap and Caterina kicked her in the face. Then she said, "Sorry," while smiling. It seems she knows when she is doing naughty things because if I catch her in the act, without a prompt she says, "I'm sorry." Then a minute later, she goes right back to what she was doing. Help! This is not the child I pictured that I would have.
      I talk with my children sternly but softly. I never spanked her brother and would prefer to stay away from that. But my in-laws say, "What's cute at two is ugly at twelve." I'm not sure what kind of discipline to use on a little girl who wants to do everything herself and is mean to her brother, grandma, and the pets. I have a master's degree, but feel like a fool when it comes to parenting this one. I thought I had it down pat with my son, but boy was I wrong. She was an easy baby, what happened? Should I get harder on her?

Your daughter is, indeed, a spunky two-year old. Her behavior is typical of many children her age. She is clearly working on establishing her autonomy. She is exploring what power she has in the world, how limits work, who is in charge, what things she can make happen. Because she is very verbal, it can be especially confusing. Her words fool us into believing that she understands more and is able to control herself more readily than she really can. Your example of her doing something "naughty," saying she is sorry and going right back to doing it again is a perfect example. What she knows is a sequence. She knows that when she breaks a rule, that you are supposed to stop her and that she is supposed to say she is sorry. If this sequence doesn't happen properly, she might even call you to come and stop her, because that is what she expects to happen. She doesn't yet know that she is supposed to stop herself. Nor does she have the control to stop herself most of the time. Further, she doesn't understand the reasons why she isn't supposed to play with the electrical outlet. You say it is dangerous, but she has never been hurt by it, so she doesn't really understand the danger. Meanwhile, she is incredibly curious about her world and the things in it. She is driven to explore how things go together, how they come apart, how they break, if they are throwable, if you can eat them. She is curious about the meaning of language. "Does 'no' mean no every time you say it or just sometimes?"
      Two-year olds are often called "little scientists." They have to test and do research on everything they come across. Their testing also includes people. They are curious about what makes people mad, sad, scared, and happy. They will do things specifically to see what your reaction is. This is not because they are mean, but because they want to learn about emotions and about you.
      Toddlers often do things that hurt people, because they don't fully understand that other people have feelings that are different from their own. That is why your daughter can kick her grandma and then smile while she is saying, "Sorry." Two-year olds are still egocentric in their thinking. Most of the time they can only focus on how they feel and not on how the people around them feel.
      All of this testing, research and activity can be exhausting for children, as well as for the adults caring for them. Further, many of their attempts at discovery and independence are miserable failures. They turn on the TV looking for their favorite show and they find the news. They pick up the car keys and say, "Park?" and we say, "No, it's bedtime." They try to put on their own shoes they same way they see you do it and the shoe gets stuck. And as many failures as they encounter, they are still driven to try more new things. This is a set-up for frustration and feelings of powerlessness. Behaviors like biting, sticking out her tongue, saying, "I hate you," running away, tantrums, kicking, hitting, etc. are children's attempts to express their frustrations. Depending on a child's inborn temperament, they may be more or less prone to these behaviors. It sounds like your son had a milder temperament than your daughter, and so you had less of these issues come up with him. But that doesn't mean anything is wrong with your daughter. She's just a different kind of child.
      Here are some ways you can help your daughter and yourself through this period of frustration and growth:
. Provide appropriate choices. Since your daughter wants to have as much control as she can, it is useful to offer her choices whenever possible. Choices allow her to practice making decisions and give her the chance to feel empowered. Sometimes the choice is wide open: "What do you want for lunch today?" Sometimes, it is limited: "Would you like a peanut butter sandwich or a quesadilla for lunch?" Sometimes, just giving her space and time to play whatever she wants, however she wants to play uninterrupted (within safety limits) affords her the opportunity to feel strong. It is important when you give her choices that they are real choices you are prepared to let her have. It is very frustrating when a child makes a choice and then can't have it.
      It is also important to know when enough is enough. We can overwhelm kids with choices. "Do you want hamburgers, spaghetti, pizza or burritos for dinner?" "Do you want to wear your green shirt or you striped one? How about your dinosaur pants, or your pocket pants or your blue tights?" Watch your child's reaction to help you determine the appropriate number of choices to offer. Also, sometimes children are incapable of making a choice in the moment and you will have to make it for them.
. Offer redirection. Often toddlers (and older children) will want to do something that is impossible because of their skills, safety, time, etc. If you can figure out their good idea, you may be able to help them discover another, safer, more successful way to do what they are trying to do. "If you are mad at me, you can say, 'I'm mad at you, Mama," but I don't like it when you say you hate me." "I don't want you to climb on the table. Let's find your slide to climb on." "It hurts Grandma when you kick her. If you don't want to take a nap, you can tell her that you don't like naps."
. Use positive direction, give information and set clear limits. Often we tell children what not to do, rather than what we want them to do. Instead of saying, "Don't throw the blocks!" you can say, "Build with the blocks. They are not safe for throwing. They need to stay low on the ground." Instead of saying, "Stop yelling!" you can say, "Use your quiet voice in the house. Yelling hurts my ears when you are inside. You can yell outside or in your room with the door shut."
. Follow through when necessary. Once you have given your child a positive direction and explained it with information, she still may not be able to stop her behavior. You may need to offer her further help. "Can you keep the blocks safe or shall I put them away?" "Can you use your quiet voice in here, or shall I help you go to your room where you can yell?" You may need to follow through physically by putting a toy away, moving some furniture out of the way, picking your child up and moving her or holding her foot so she can't kick Grandma. You can follow through physically and respectfully without hurting or shaming her. Think gentle, positive and firm instead or rough and hurtful. It helps to imagine yourself as the container that is keeping her safe until she learns to contain her strong feelings on her own.
      It is also respectful to explain to your daughter what you are doing. "I'm going to pick you up and take you to the other room where you can yell safely." "I'm going to put these blocks up for awhile so we can keep everyone safe."
. Set her up for success. During this stage when your daughter is trying desperately to be large and in charge, it is important for her to have as many successes as she can. If she is physical and active, make sure she has plenty of time at the park where there are appropriate climbing/exploring challenges for her. If she likes to choose her own clothing, put a few baskets of clothes low so that she can pick out what she is going to wear. If she likes to help cook, move a stool up, so she can help you push the buttons on the blender, spin the lettuce in the salad spinner, tear up the lettuce for the salad, stir the sauce for the pasta. If she likes to pour, give her a little milk, juice or water in a small pitcher, so she can pour it in her own cup (and keep a sponge she can use nearby.) If she is having a hard time being gentle with the pets, keep the pets away from her, unless there is close supervision.
. Take care of yourself. It can be frustrating and exhausting to live with a person who is working around the clock on establishing her independence. Try to schedule in some breaks for yourself so you can keep your energy, humor, flexibility, creativity and resourcefulness up. You can definitely weather this stage without having to spank her, but it takes insight into what is going on with her, alternative forms of discipline and good self-care.