"Almost 5-Year-Old Driving Me Nuts"

My soon-to-be-five-year-old seems to be Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Some days he talks excitedly about going to kindergarten. He asks about space travel and is an expert on gardening. Other days he reverts to babyhood, whining, clinging, and talking baby-talk. He wants me to dress him and refuses to feed himself. I know he can do these things. He's been dressing himself for years. Why won't he do it now? How can he be so grown-up one day and so helpless the next?

-- confused in Kalamazoo

You have described some classic behavior, not just for almost five-year olds, but for children in any developmental stage where they are growing at a rapid rate. Your son is going through an exciting time, not just in terms of external things, like getting ready for kindergarten, but also, in terms of internal things like changes in his thinking and understanding about the world. When he was a baby, he didn't even know there was such a thing as outer space. Now that he is a almost five, he knows that there are rockets that travel into outer space and that they exist even though he's never been on one.
   In his regressive, babyish behavior, you are seeing some of the ambivalence, uncertainty and insecurity that goes along with new growth and understanding. It's as if he were saying, "I'm excited to be growing up, to take on new and unknown challenges, but I'm also scared and unsure about what I'm leaving behind. When I go to kindergarten, I'll be leaving my preschool behind. Will I also be losing all of my friends? Will I have friends at my new school?"
   As children grow, they sometimes long for the familiarity and security of their younger years. And because they have limited life experience, they are not always clear about what will change and what will stay the same: "If I am big and brave and go to kindergarten, will my mom still hold me when I'm sad?"
   Another reason that children engage in regressive behavior is to gain some understanding about the process of growth. Most of the time children see the world from the present moment: "I'm a four-and-a-half year-old. You show me baby pictures and say that was me, but part of me thinks I've always been four." Children like to try on "baby" behavior to see how it feels, to see if it will turn them into a baby, and also to discover something about how they have grown.
   This pendulum behavior, one moment autonomous and competent and the next, regressive and dependent, often leaves parents confused, and unsure as to how to respond. Here are some suggestions:
. Meet your child half-way. When your child requests (or demands) that you dress him, even though you know he can do it himself, you can offer some assistance: "I can help you. I'll do part and you can do part. What part can you do?" Or you can trade with him: "I'll help you get dressed and then I need you to find some matching socks for your sister."
. Offer your child many opportunities to be independent. While part of your child wants to be "taken care of," the other part wants to do everything for himself. The child that you help dress in the morning may be able to help you smash cans for recycling, fold towels in the laundry, scrub and mash the potatoes for dinner, or sweep the sidewalk. It is also important that your child experiences the feeling of helping others and the family.
. Think about the underlying causes. Very often, regressive behavior is a sign of normal growth. However, it can also be indicative of outside stressors -- changes in the family, moving, the birth of a sibling, a traumatic experience. Children need lots of opportunities to talk about what is hard or frustrating for them. Often, they can't describe exactly what is bothering them, but offering a listening ear lets them know that we care, and through talking, they may be able to discover what is troubling them.
. Provide opportunities for your child to express his range of feelings. Even when children can't articulate what is hard for them, they can usually express their sadness, frustration, anger and fear. If you communicate to them that you are open to these feelings and will listen to them, it can reassure them that the changes they are going through are normal.