"Blowing It With The Kids"

I've been under a ton of pressure at work lately, and I've been blowing up with the kids. My fuse is really short, and I've been yelling at them a lot. I don't seem to have any tolerance for their behavior and noise, and at times, I just wish they'd shut up. I know I've been unfair and mean at times. Just last week, I lost it and hit Brian, my four-year-old. I don't want to repeat what my parents did to me, but I really feel like I need help. What can I do?

-- on the edge in San Jose

Things sound really hard right now. It is challenging just to keep all of the balls in the air when we are balancing work and family, but when we are under extra pressure, things can get really difficult. As hard as things are, it's clear that you bring considerable strength and insight into this situation. First, you are clear about the source of stress. Many of us end up yelling at our kids and think that it is their fault. The fact that you understand that it's the pressure at work that's spilling over into your family is very useful.
   Second, you are still holding on to the vision of the kind of parent you want to be, even though you aren't achieving it right now. Even when we blow it, when we are clear that we're not acting the way we want to act, kids can perceive the difference: "Mom is really yelling at me a lot and this is unusual for her. I wonder what is going on."
   The third positive thing you mentioned is that you are committed to not repeating what your parents did, even though you can't always figure out what to do differently in the moment. And finally, you are asking for help. Reaching out and using your resources is a wonderful expression of optimism and hope. Even when things are as hard as they are for you right now, by reaching out, you are demonstrating to your children that people can get help and make things better.
   Here are some practical suggestions:
. Assess your work situation. Ask yourself, "What are my options at work? Is this a short-term or an ongoing stress situation?" If it is short-term, you can look for temporary ways to ease the stress -- hire someone to come in and clean, cook, or do child care. Ask friends is they would be willing to pitch in. If the problem at work is ongoing, you will need to look at long-term solutions -- either new strategies for stress management or looking for a less stressful job.
. Find ways to take care of yourself. We are usually the last people on our list to get taken care of, and if we continue to neglect our needs, it can feel increaslingly difficult to take care of them. Many of us are to a point where it seems like only a month in the Bahamas would help. Yet for most us, this kind of solution is only a distant fantasy. So we need to start with small, manageable ways of taking care of ourselves. If you had an hour every week to yourself, what could you do with it? How could you make this happen? If one hour a week seems impossible, think about an hour every other week, but it is important that you start somewhere.
. Set yourself up for success with your kids. During really hard times with our children, we can forget about the ways we enjoy them; about the reasons they're wonderful. Make sure you get a little time regularly to do what you enjoy doing with them. If family bike rides are what you most enjoy, schedule one in. If making cookies helps you feel close, simplify dinner prep and save time for baking. When you get to experience the joy of being with each other, the conflicts never seem quite so difficult.
. Apologize when you blow it. If we learn to apologize when we make those inevitable mistakes with our children, they learn several important things. They learn that everyone makes mistakes. They learn that it's important to take responsibility for mistakes and that mistakes aren't the end of the world. They also learn that the mistake we made, doesn't represent the way we think parents should act. And, they will often remind us of that the next time, "Daddy, don't yell like that."
. Let kids know when you are feeling stressed. When we know we are stressed and we let children know that they are not the cause of our upset, they can be more understanding of our behavior and are less likely to take it personally. Taking responsibility for our own moods also models for children how to recognize and acknowledge feelings.
. Get child development information. Often the noisy, difficult behavior that triggers our outbursts is just normal development. If you know what to expect of children at certain ages, it can change your perspective and soften your response to their behavior.
. Find ongoing support for your parenting. In our busy lives, it is difficult to carve out time to meet with other parents, to join parenting groups or classes, to find support for parenting the way we want to. But, it can be invaluable and definitely worth the effort, especially if you are trying to do things differently than they were done with you.
. Forgive yourself. It is important to remember that children don't learn as much from the occasional times we blow it as they do from the continuity of their day-to-day experience. They are durable and if we keep learning, growing and working towards becoming the parent we want to be, we can teach them that people don't give up hope and that no one is too old to learn new things.