"Praise versus Acknowledgment"
: Can you explain the relationship between acknowledgement and praise? Can you help me to understand how to use this concept with a 15 month old?
This question is a very important one since it can be very confusing to sort out the difference between praise and acknowledgment. Parents have many ways to express their delight in their children, and excitement about what they are doing. Parents are also eager to encourage and support their children's growth. Both of these are important roles for parents, and children come to count on this special attention from their parents.
However, there are some differences in the ways parents offer this attention to children. Those differences include the types of activities people notice and the words they choose to use. Because we live in a highly competitive, achievement-oriented culture, we are surrounded by words of praise and judgment, which are regularly used to describe both accomplishments and "failures." There is a distinction between this kind of attention, which we call "praise", and another, which we call "acknowledgement." Acknowledgement differs from praise in that it uses descriptive words instead of evaluative words, and it is offered as much during the process as for the achievement.
Here are some further clarifications and examples of praise and acknowledgement:
Praise
. Praise is evaluative and uses words like: good, great, excellent, pretty, cute, handsome, smart, talented, gifted.
. Praise puts more emphasis on the outcome or the achievement than it does on the effort of the process.
. Praise can be a double-edged sword. A child who gets called "pretty" one day may feel vulnerable that if she doesn't wear the same dress or spend as much time on her hair the next day, she won't be pretty anymore.
. Praise turns a child's focus to the outside for approval, rather than to help her focus on how she feels about something she is doing. As a result, praise can make a child lose their sense of internal motivation and become dependent on external motivation.
. Praise can be distracting. A child who spends all their time climbing trying to get the adult's attention may lose out on the joy, challenge and sense of accomplishment inherent in climbing.
. Praise can be addictive. Children can become unable to accomplish things or to feel a sense of satisfaction without it.
. Children who are accustomed to praise may feel like they are doing something wrong if they aren't getting praised.
. Praise is evaluative. It uses external criteria to judge things. Many times the external criteria don't match the child's experience, and the child gets frustrated or begins to doubt his or her own perceptions.
. Praise teaches that what other people think about what you are doing is more important than what you think.
. Praise can be superficial and doesn't always take the time to really acknowledge what they child is doing.
. Praise can sometimes give people the idea that their accomplishments are more important than they are.Acknowledgement
. Acknowledgement is descriptive, not evaluative.
. Acknowledgement requires that you spend time looking at the world through the child's eyes.
. Acknowledgement focuses on the child's process, as much as the outcome. The child's struggle trying to take off his sock is important whether he gets it off or not. "You are pulling hard on the end of your sock with both your hands. It looks like you are trying to get it off your foot."
. Acknowledgement describes feelings as well as outcomes. "It can be frustrating to pull so hard on your sock and not get it off your foot."
. Acknowledgement lets children know we are really paying attention to who they are as people, rather than just to their accomplishments.
. Acknowledgement values the child's perspective, not just the adult's.
. Acknowledgement uses open-ended questions so that your child can tell you about her feelings and ideas as well as her accomplishment. "Tell me about your picture." "How did it feel to climb all those stairs?"One thing about offering acknowledgement to a child is timing. Often, we get excited about something our children are doing and want to immediately start talking about it. However our talking may interrupt or distract them from what they are doing. If you are carefully observing a child, he will give you a clue about when he is ready for your input. Often he will just glance up at you when he has finished covering his paper with paint. That may be an invitation to say something. You can share your feelings or excitement or pleasure over what your child is doing by saying things like, "You used so many different colors in that picture." "I enjoy watching your whole body move when you paint."
Here are some contrasting examples of praise and acknowledgment:
Praise Acknowledgement Good Climbing! I saw you climb up that slide to the top, holding on to each side with your hands. Good try! You keep trying to put that shape into that hole. You've turned it so many different directions to get it to fit. How pretty you look today! You are wearing a fluffy skirt and a matching top. Is this a special occasion? What a nice boy you are! Thank you for bringing me my slippers. They will keep my feet warm. You are so smart! You named every animal in this book. I think you know all of them. Great Job! You put all of the Legos back in the basket. Now the floor is all clear. You must be so proud of yourself. You've worked all morning on digging that hole. How does it feel to dig a big hole? You are playing so nicely. I saw you give your friend, Tanya, a turn with the bulldozer.
