by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
. Distinguish between your feelings and your children’s feelings. For parents, one of the most challenging things about this kind of a disaster is the fact that we are having our own reactions at the same time we are called upon to respond to our children. Because children’s experiences are so highly influenced by our emotions, clarifying the difference between our feelings and theirs is essential.Each of us perceives events through the lens of our own life experience. For those of us who have lived in countries at war or under siege, terror may be our predominant response to the attacks on New York and Washington DC. If we’ve lost loved ones through accident or tragedy, old feelings of loss may be re-stimulated. For most of us, feelings of vulnerability, sadness, worry, fear and anger will all jockey for position us as we struggle to figure out how to keep our precious children safe in an uncertain world.
Children, who don’t share our life experience, will most likely have very different perceptions and reactions than we do. In order for us to clearly focus on what they need, we must first find ways to explore, acknowledge and express our own feelings.
It is essential, however, that our children not be burdened with the full extent of our adult responses. We need to find ways to resolve our strongest feelings when we aren’t with our children. For some of us, that may mean talking to friends, family members, faith communities or professional counselors. For others, it might mean crying, writing, or finding ways to take meaningful action.
In the hours following the attacks on October 11th, many people sat glued to radios or TVs. Others felt compelled to cook a pot of soup, plant something in the garden or to give blood. We all have ways we regain our equilibrium when the world shifts beneath our feet, and it is important that we do those things that help us recapture even a small sense of normalcy and control. It is only from that place of stability that we can give our children the kind of attention they need to explore their feelings and make sense of tragedy.
. Share your feelings with your child in age-appropriate ways. Children learn about the world through their parents and caregivers, as well as through their own direct experience. While the full force of our sadness, helplessness, fear or anger will be overwhelming and scary to children of almost every age, a few tears with our preschoolers and some sharing of our more complex feelings with older children can help them understand the reality and seriousness of the event. Expressing appropriate feelings can provide a useful model to our children. However, since children are so influenced by our feelings, it can sometimes be helpful to encourage them to express their feelings before we share our own.
. Listen closely to your children. Listen to your children with your eyes and your ears. Even before children have the words to express what they are feeling, their bodies and expressions give us clues. Watch for changes in behavior: withdrawing, fighting, crying, clinging, listlessness, testing. Be alert for times when they are more likely to talk - just before sleep, in the car, reading time, when they are alone with you, while you are cooking dinner. Try to make yourself available at their chosen time. They may not know how to access that feeling again later, when you are free. Listen for a long time before you offer your opinion or ideas. Often, we jump in with advice, information or reassurance before we really know what our children are thinking and feeling.
. Help kids understand, identify and express their feelings. Learning how to recognize what we are feeling is not an easy task, especially in a culture that values certain feelings and shuns others. If you see your child having a feeling, you can ask a question or offer a suggestion. "Can you tell me about your feeling?" or, "You look like you might be feeling sad," or "I wonder if you are feeling scared." Remember, too, that anger is often a cover for other emotions. If your child seems unusually anger, there may be fear and helplessness lurking beneath.
. Ask open-ended questions. Sometimes children need encouragement to keep talking. Open-ended questions such as: "What else are you thinking about?" "How do you feel about that?" "Tell me more about your idea?" "What do you think would happen then?" "How do you think those people feel?" may encourage children to explore more of their own thoughts. You can also just wait attentively for children to sort through what they want to say. Give them the gift of your time and attention.
. Remember that talking and expressing feelings is part of the healing process. It can feel worrisome to see our children in the throes of fear or anger. In response, we may want to try to distract them or short-circuit their expression of feelings. It is helpful to remember that positive (not hurtful) expression of feelings is the most empowering healing tool we have. Keeping feelings tucked neatly inside only leads to confusion, misdirection, and poor health, not just for our children, but for us as well.
. Be judicious about the media your children are exposed to. Depending on their age, children will naturally be exposed to various levels of media coverage. For children under seven, you may be able to limit the images they see. As fascinated as we are with watching all of the details immediately on TV, it can be very scary for young children who don’t have our experience or perspective on the world. For instance, you have probably flown in a plane many times. Your young child has probably flown a few times, at most. You know, experientially, that most planes don’t crash, but your child doesn’t have that breadth of experience or the ability to think abstractly about the thousands of planes flying successfully to their destinations every day. He is more likely than you to believe that the next plane he gets on will probably crash into a building. Or a child might get scared of being in tall buildings, since their only experience with tall buildings is seeing one blow up on TV.If you have to get your news while your children are around, reading the paper or listening to the radio are less scary for your young child, than watching TV. Remember, also, that even if they are in the room (seeming like they are not watching) and you have they TV on, they are often paying some attention, especially if a disaster comes on.
For older children, it is important to watch, hear, or read the coverage with them. That way, you are there to talk with them as their fears, questions and concerns come up.
. Take action. While most of us are experiencing feelings of powerlessness right now, there are many important things we can do. Our helpless feelings can lead us in many directions - some may be tempted to batten down the hatches to create a safe little cell amidst a dangerous world. Others like to turn feelings of fear and powerlessness into anger and a thirst for revenge. When terrible things happen, we are eager to identify an enemy so that we can work out our vulnerable feelings. By punishing the "bad guy," we try to convince ourselves that this travesty won’t happen again, but in reality, it is the punishment mentality that created this disaster in the first place.When the unthinkable happens, we face a choice. We can escalate the crisis through our response or we can take our power and create a different kind of world, starting with our families and our communities. We have the power to help our children understand how violence happens. We have the power to work to create the safest communities and neighborhoods possible so our children can feel confident about the world they inhabit. Taking positive action is not only necessary for the health of our world; it is essential for the survival of our optimism. We can make a difference by:
. Sending help directly to the people who are affected
. Offering support to families who are fearful or stressed
. Helping young people organize to offer assistance to families involved in the disaster
. Taking a stand against racism, making sure that we don’t tolerate individuals being targeted because of their ethnicity
. Spend time as a family. Your kids need you more than anything right now. Think of family time as time where children learn how to communicate, play, listen to and respect the feelings of others. Focus on being together, doing projects together, playing together. Limit time spent watching TV or playing video games. Those activities don’t further a child’s sense of connection to family. And in a crisis, what you child needs is to feel connected.Also see: Talking To Children Of Different Ages
